To mention that my sis seems to want to take advantage of me

[lilslittlesis]

My sister and I are just 14 months apart and have always been really close. Things got a bit tense in my early 20s when I met my now-husband: he’s 11 years older and from a much wealthier family. She was not a fan at first, saying he was too old, I was only with him for the money, it wouldn’t last, and he’d eventually trade me in. Of course, DH is far from perfect and like all couples we have our ups and downs but in all honesty, I think there was a bit of jealousy: he’s tall, good-looking, funny, kind, ambitious, and financially secure (both from his family and his own work).

Over time, she’s eased up, and now we’re back to being best friends. That said, she still throws in the occasional dig maybe once or twice a year about me not working or asking if I’m really happy “just” cooking and looking after the kids (before anyone panics as I know MN dislike women being SAHMs with no income, I do manage some rental properties and have investments in my own name, but it’s not a full-time job). My husband and sister actually get along well, and as far as I know, she’s never made these comments to his face.

I have three kids (5, 3, and 1), and she has one who just turned 2. She has a good lifestyle—not struggling at all, but not exactly luxury either. Lately, she’s been hinting that I should buy things for her or cover costs. For example, we were out for lunch (which I paid for if that’s relevant, but we’ve never done the whole “let’s split the bill but you owe 72p more than I do”, just one gets it once and the other gets it next time, now more like I get it 2-3 times and she gets it once because I bring more children so more mouths to feed or more tickets needed for them), and after we had paid she handed me some Easter-themed toys, saying, “Can you get these for DN?” They weren’t expensive, and I wouldn’t have minded, but it just felt… odd. It wasn’t a birthday, she can easily afford them, and it’s not a one-off. She does similar if we’re shopping and I find a cardigan for one of my children, she’ll hand me one in size 2yrs and say her child wants a matching one.

We’re also going on a short trip soon (me, the kids, and our nanny), and when she said she’d love to come, I shared the details, but she seemed a bit put out that I didn’t offer to pay. For birthdays and Christmas, she now requests very expensive gifts (£300+) for DN, even though we’ve never exchanged gifts of that value before, and she’s never bought anything close to that for my kids (nor would I expect her to!). If my children have a pricey toy, she’ll nudge DN and say, while looking at me, “You’d like one of those, wouldn’t you?” There's so many other examples.

I’m not sure how to handle this. Do I say something? Or just let it go?

Being able to give money away to any family member that asks

Toddler, not baby. The vast majority of parents manage work and multiple children. Being at home with a nanny is highly unusual.

Being able to give money away to any family member that asks

Why would you infer the above from the below?

I would treat my family all the time

🤔

I think she will keep asking and expecting you to pay for things for her and her child. This is absolutely not on. She is not your responsibility and while it is nice to maybe treat family members from time to time, this should be on your terms and at your suggestion. Her behaviour is strange and rude. Has she no pride? I would be spending a bit less time with her and firmly batting back any attempts to get you paying for stuff. Set your boundaries and hold firm. Life can change in an instant and you have three children to bring up so keep that mind before paying for her holidays and £300 presents. I think at mumsnet we call this person a CF. Enjoy your lovely life. It sounds amazing. Can you maybe join toddler groups or meet mum friends at the school?

I feel we should be having this debate off someone else’s thread 🤣🤣

If you are treating someone all the time it sounds like a bit of a continuous drain to me

Sorry I misunderstood and thought you meant that she sometimes pays for you and/or your kids.

I think if you are both paying for yourselves and your own kids that’s fine and if I was much wealthier then my sister like you are, I would absolutely offer to pay most (if not all) of the time.

I wouldn’t be happy being expected to buy random gifts though and I would say that you’re happy to continue paying for meals out etc and presents for Xmas and birthdays but you won’t start the random present buying.

Well, nothing drives a rift in a relationship faster than money! Unfortunately she probably does envy you your lifestyle and I am not sure that this is going to improve with time, as your children get older and extra-curricular activities, exciting holidays and the benefits of private education really begin to kick in.

In the meantime, I think that the poster who said 'Err on the side of generosity' is probably right. I don't really see any harm with you paying for the lunches and tickets a bit more often? Or perhaps just say to her, 'Shall we just pay for ourselves going forward?'

The clothes and other items? I would just cut right down on any retail browsing when you are together. Don't go into a shop unless it is absolutely unavoidable. Say that you are trying to be green or don't want to 'spoil the kids'. Not that I am suggesting anyone is spoilt, but it's a useful position as it's difficult to argue against.

Just out of interest, is her child the same sex as your eldest two DC? If so, does she express an interest in their outgrown clothes and toys?

If you are treating someone all the time it sounds like a bit of a continuous drain to me

Surely it depends on the treat though? It may be a drain or it may not.

I feel we should be having this debate off someone else’s thread 🤣🤣

I genuinely don't even understand what you are debating with me. I think I summed it up in my initial responses to you, people have different family dynamics & values...

I am debating the principle that you say that if you were a ‘millionaire’ you would ‘treat family all the time’. It’s always so cuddly to say that but often those who say it mean it the least. It’s like those who say ‘be kind’ on their social media and are then happy to see someone torn to shreds or cancelled for some slight or misdemeanor.

Until you have been in the shoes of a ‘millionaire’ you have no idea what you would do. Being a millionaire is not an open door to being able to treat everyone all the time. It often takes hard work and forethought and often comes with responsibility to those who actually should rely on you like your children, not people like the OP’s sister who think they can just walk up to a till with a handful of goodies and expect someone else to pay the bill.

@spoodlesee hello?

It’s one thing to offer when it would be genuinely appreciated, but quite another to be expected to provide for someone that considers themselves entitled to your funds. That isn’t being generous, that’s being taken for a mug.

It doesn’t matter how much money you have, you’re not responsible for your sister. That you can afford to pay for her does not mean she is free to expect you to.

Interesting thread. I have two thoughts to share, one of how I live my life now, and one of when I tutored for a family that sounds like yours from what you describe (although probably they were wealthier).

I earn well enough now, and live in a country that means I earn more for what I do here than I would back home. Whenever I'm out with friends that earn less than me, I almost always pay, because im well aware of the discrepancy. When it comes to family, I definitely will pay and I love to treat them to gifts and other little nice things they wouldn't get for themselves. I'm not rich by any means, but when out with friends/family who earn less than me, I pay. The same goes with family/friends that are much wealthier than me, they usually pay and are also generous with gifts etc. none of it is expected, it's just how we do it because we care for each other.

If I married into money and had a very privileged life, I would absolutely be treating my siblings and parents all the time. I wouldn't like it if they asked for things the way your sister is doing, but we wouldn't have reached that point because I would make it a point to treat them. If I was rich and married a man who came from a poorer background, I would absolutely want him to treat his family. My husband and I are very much on the same page when it comes to generosity with family and friends.

Second thought:
You remind me of a woman whose daughter I tutored while I was studying in London to make extra money during my masters. They lived in a house in an extremely posh central London area. Father was in banking or something, mother clearly wasn't from an old money background and was working extra hard to make it seem like she was. It was bizarre, because the family was clearly loaded, but she haggled me down on the price for my tutoring, and was really reticent to cover what I spent on her daughters lunch whenever we had outings to the museum or whatnot, and she wanted change back from the tenner she gave me (change was like £1.50, and absolutely bizarre to be getting change out of my wallet while in a room with marble statues and a grand piano). Big vibes of "I'm rich but I'm not here to give you a handout", which reminds me of your attitude towards your sister.

I dunno, maybe it's a wealth bracket thing, where the more you have the meaner you get, but I for sure don't let my family members who are less well of than me pay for outings, and I treat them often. I don't ever want to feel like I'm better or better off than my loved ones.

@Jinglejumble hello what? 😆 Some of us have other things to do.

As I said I don't understand your debate. I already treat my family so why wouldn't I do it more if I had more money? i'm off the brunch with my mum this morning & will treat her.

Until you have been in the shoes of a ‘millionaire’ you have no idea what you would do.

But my parents & wider family have modelled to me what they do.

@spoodlesee i just thought you had been so quick previously!

A wealthy family member isn’t duty bound to provide handouts. Of course many with wealth take a hardline stance so as to not be seen as an easy target, especially if they’ve had previous experience of being taken for a fool.

I’m surprised you’re overlooking the attitude the sister has towards OP, as if OP is wrong for not providing for her. It doesn’t sound like she even appreciates that OP has indeed been generous with her, but considers it’s something she’s entitled to.

I would also be distinctly unimpressed if I were the husband and my in laws were looking to me to be their meal ticket.

I've read your additional posts and I think that actually your perception your sisters financial situation is off kilter. I think things are probably significantly tighter than you think.
Your lifestyles are vastly different and you sound like you are in a bit of a bubble where something is "only £5".

For example, if cash flow is not an issue, it's not a problem to pay for everyone when you are doing it every fourth time or whatever. But actually it's a whacking sum once in a while. She is clearly keeping track of what she feels is her share hence the toys or cardi request and I suspect that your children probably have more treats or you make different food choices for them based on not having to consider costs. It's a really common area for resentment with adults who don't drink, haven't had the lobster are expected to simply split the bill equally with the rest.

You've been raised not to discuss money but perhaps it's time for an actual chat about how she is fixed. It's not reasonable for her to expect you to cover holidays for her and her child but to be frank, it really doesn't sound like it would be that much of a stretch and a nice thing to do to pay for an extra bedroom if they cover their own flights and other costs. Different if it's your husbands idea of hell to holiday with them but if you are away 3-5 times a year is a weekend really going to kill you ?

Wow, she thinks she entitled to your life style bc she’s your sister. Just no.

She’s earning it by bearing and taking care of her children. This is her lifestyle and she’s under no obligation to bring her sister up to her level. Sister is a user, I’d start spending less and less time with her. What’s that saying about a favor becoming and expectation and that turns into a demand. It’s no longer enjoyable to be with someone like that.

I don't like your sister's attitude but neither do I like yours. You have married into wealth and you are now wealthy yourself with a very priviliged lifestyle. Why don't you always treat your sister and DN to lunch? I think her comments have to do with the discrepancy between your lifestyles and that she thinks you're being mean. I tend to agree with her but I don't condone her behaviour. Very passive aggressive instead of talking to you about it. Why would your DH think it's weird to invite her on holiday ? It's your money as well and since you're wealthy it ought to be a pleasure to spoil your sister and niece. I know it would be for me.

It’s really nice of other people to tell you what to do as far as your family’s income is, it’s nobody’s business and your don’t have to give it away bc others think you should. You get to choose when and if you want to treat someone. When someone is blatantly stuffing things in your face when your at the register is rude and entitled. Maybe if she stopped doing that she’d be happier to share. But this girl is practically making her feel guilty bc she married up. It’s no one’s business where and how she chooses to spend her money.

And maybe if her sister didn’t do that she’d might do it on her own. It’s the feeling of the thinking they should have it bc you do. It makes you not like the person greediness. She doesn’t owe her sister her life style and if anything it’s making her feel angry. I’d have no problem telling my sister to cut the crap and she’s making her feel maybe guilty even though she shouldn’t

Why would she ‘always’ pay for lunch? That she can afford to doesn’t make it her responsibility to pay. She isn’t a cash cow, and being treated like one is not in any way a pleasure.

Bear in mine that this is a woman that didn’t like OP’s husband, going so far as trying to dissuade OP from marrying him, yet thinks he (they) should be funding her.

I agree with others that her financial position is probably not where you think it is. That's not to say she's behaving well in her approach but you'd do well to have a direct conversation if it's bothering you

However I do agree with others that whilst there's no obligation on you to pay, you do come across as quite tight. If you can afford 5 holidays a year, a nanny, to take that nanny away, plus a cleaner, why are you counting pennies with a £5 gift for your niece? Worth thinking about.

Omg, you do not, I have someone who I’ve known forever, I’m talking really young and I treated her like a sister. I’m now 68 years old and her entitlement to my belonging has finally put and end to our friendship. I have a daughter, a niece and daughter in law. This lady was constantly on my ear about how much she loved my things. Like over and over again. She just wanted to be me. When my mother died the first thing she said to me was that she wanted my mother’s couch. Oh, really. Oh, okay. So these people who want to be you don’t get over it. They want what you have and they find it hard to swallow that they don’t have what you do. It doesn’t go away.

This is someone I’ve known for 47 years. Bye bye