To mention that my sis seems to want to take advantage of me

[lilslittlesis]

My sister and I are just 14 months apart and have always been really close. Things got a bit tense in my early 20s when I met my now-husband: he’s 11 years older and from a much wealthier family. She was not a fan at first, saying he was too old, I was only with him for the money, it wouldn’t last, and he’d eventually trade me in. Of course, DH is far from perfect and like all couples we have our ups and downs but in all honesty, I think there was a bit of jealousy: he’s tall, good-looking, funny, kind, ambitious, and financially secure (both from his family and his own work).

Over time, she’s eased up, and now we’re back to being best friends. That said, she still throws in the occasional dig maybe once or twice a year about me not working or asking if I’m really happy “just” cooking and looking after the kids (before anyone panics as I know MN dislike women being SAHMs with no income, I do manage some rental properties and have investments in my own name, but it’s not a full-time job). My husband and sister actually get along well, and as far as I know, she’s never made these comments to his face.

I have three kids (5, 3, and 1), and she has one who just turned 2. She has a good lifestyle—not struggling at all, but not exactly luxury either. Lately, she’s been hinting that I should buy things for her or cover costs. For example, we were out for lunch (which I paid for if that’s relevant, but we’ve never done the whole “let’s split the bill but you owe 72p more than I do”, just one gets it once and the other gets it next time, now more like I get it 2-3 times and she gets it once because I bring more children so more mouths to feed or more tickets needed for them), and after we had paid she handed me some Easter-themed toys, saying, “Can you get these for DN?” They weren’t expensive, and I wouldn’t have minded, but it just felt… odd. It wasn’t a birthday, she can easily afford them, and it’s not a one-off. She does similar if we’re shopping and I find a cardigan for one of my children, she’ll hand me one in size 2yrs and say her child wants a matching one.

We’re also going on a short trip soon (me, the kids, and our nanny), and when she said she’d love to come, I shared the details, but she seemed a bit put out that I didn’t offer to pay. For birthdays and Christmas, she now requests very expensive gifts (£300+) for DN, even though we’ve never exchanged gifts of that value before, and she’s never bought anything close to that for my kids (nor would I expect her to!). If my children have a pricey toy, she’ll nudge DN and say, while looking at me, “You’d like one of those, wouldn’t you?” There's so many other examples.

I’m not sure how to handle this. Do I say something? Or just let it go?

@spoodlesee There are a few things in play. Your parents are handing money down to you and that’s great but I think even you would admit that if your DP started spending it/expecting it considering it’s your parents putting their hands in their pocket you might be a bit pissed.

So whilst my DP’s are now doing inheritance planning ( especially with Rachel reeves on the move) they didn’t want us to be reliant. They didn’t want us to have expectation about it, even tho we really could have done.

It’s the same here. The OP’s sister has a level of expectation that means she won’t ever look to herself. She will always look for the handout. Like MIL. She could have afforded the kitchen she considered a year ago. She just wanted us to spring for it under the premise of sharing so she didn’t have to. Sounds similar here. The OP’s sister can perfectly pay herself. She’s just a CF choosing not to.

I think you have the right attitude op “oh nice cardigan you should get one too!’

lunches fine, Christmas agree a limit £50 per child or whatever for hers and £50/£70 whatever for all yours together
£300 is she having a laugh?!?!?

Well it went towards our home as I said, DH parents have also helped financially. I don't feel reliant on my parents & have never asked for help but buying in London often requires some help.
I certainly don't expect anymore inheritance & it's not in my own long term financial planning goals. Certainly their property is expensive but who knows what life holds, anything is a bonus. I just think you have a very different family dynamic to me.

@Jinglejumble Do you pay for your MIL? is that why you were affronted when she didn't share her windfall?

@spoodlesee ok, so you say your DP’s have you a 6 figure sum in a deposit. What did ‘how you can’ mean with respect to what you did to reciprocate?

You haven’t triggered me. You don’t have that power. Sorry. But I will look to explore what you mean because it’s what debates are all about and until you show me differently I say it sounds to me like you say things now, but would you? It’s astonishing how often it’s a case of do as I say, not as I do. Look at the gov.uk pages on flippant department spend now in a govt only 8 months old considering what was said in opposition. So excuse me for expecting your threshold about what you feel you ‘can’ do, compared to what others ‘can’ do might not match. But let’s see.. what is the threshold? What is ‘rich’ to you?

@spoodlesee not a fucking chance. It was the principle of the matter. Do as I say, not as I do.

I think in your situation many would be inclined to pay but her digs, entitlement and general attitude would put me off and get my back up.

Not nice to spend time with jealous family.

You’re a SAHM with a nanny? That’s in the super wealthy bracket - so I actually do think it’s fair enough that you pay for the lunches. Why do you begrudge your sister and best friend for that, when you haven’t even earned it?!

I think you just have to keep going as you are, making the point each time it arises that you're not a cash machine. You know what she's doing. She knows you know, but she persists. She's going to persist until she hits a brick wall. You have to be that brick wall. She will drop it eventually and go back to the way you were.

I have different groups of friends from school, from university, from work, DCs' schools, neighbours etc. I ALWAYS only ever expect to go to places everyone can afford. I can afford michelin starred restaurants, but if my school friends have to budget for pizza express, pizza express is where we go. I'm old now, so I've been doing this for a while. Everyone knows from my lifestyle how I live. Without exception, if I get coffees one day, it'll be the friend next time. I expect no gifts and give no gifts: it's too difficult, too fraught. We share each other's company. If ever there's any doubt I always err on the side of generosity, and make no inference from anything received.

Money can ruin relationships and I refuse to let it, whether too much or too little. It's not what my relationships are about. It's never been a problem for me.

Wow @lilslittlesis she’s a cheeky one and no mistake!

I actually don’t think her being a sahm with a nanny is any different to if her second child was at nursery while she was at home with the baby? Plenty of people send toddlers to nursery while looking after a small baby

@Jinglejumble

I was explaining how we share in our family, I never said anything about it having to be equal because it can't be as we are all in different positions. No one sits there adding things up on a calculator checking if it's reciprocal because it's not something we even think about but as I said maybe it's a cultural thing. Is it really an alien concept to you that some families do things differently? I am not in the position to give my parents 200k, nor would they take it but I am in the position to take them for lunches and host Christmas for everyone which is expensive & besides I am the best cook! Now our parents are getting older we help with getting them to appointments, DIY etc. as we live closer vs other siblings, not everything is monetary.

Look at the gov.uk pages on flippant department spend now in a govt only 8 months old considering what was said in opposition.

What on earth does the above have to do with any of my posts 😆😆😆

But let’s see.. what is the threshold? What is ‘rich’ to you?

What are you going on about? What threshold? The OP is talking about toys, lunches and clothes.

You haven’t triggered me

Read your posts back to yourself...

I actually don’t think her being a sahm with a nanny is any different to if her second child was at nursery while she was at home with the baby? Plenty of people send toddlers to nursery while looking after a small baby

Financially it's likely to be very different. You get "free" hours at nursery whereas a nanny costs a lot more.

Her youngest is 1, not a small baby.

For example, we were out for lunch (which I paid for if that’s relevant, but we’ve never done the whole “let’s split the bill but you owe 72p more than I do”, just one gets it once and the other gets it next time, now more like I get it 2-3 times and she gets it once because I bring more children so more mouths to feed or more tickets needed for them)

I am really surprised that you are so much wealthier than her but up until recently she was paying for you and all of your kids half of the time and is now still doing it every 2-3 times.

I understand you both paying for yourselves and own kids but it’s harsh to expect her to pay for all of your kids when she earns much less.

Perhaps she was hoping you would tell her not to pay for your kids and she’s a bit annoyed over it and is trying to claw some of the money back.

So a baby? Still not a crazy idea that she has childcare help with a 1,3 and 5 yo. Other people would be using a nursery or childminder, she has a nanny…

not a fucking chance. It was the principle of the matter. Do as I say, not as I do.

How are you any different from your MIL? You have never given her any money but were annoyed to not get anything from her windfall. No idea why this offended you so much in the first place since I was brought up that your life is your responsibility 🤔

@Cucy she doesn't pay for my kids... let's imagine each lunch costs £100 (for ease of calculation)

I pay for 2-3 lunches so that's £200-300, and she will pay for 1 so that's £100.
I bring 4 people (myself plus 3 kids), she brings 2 (her and DN). By me spending £250 (average of 200 and 300) and her spending £100 each round, I'm spending more (250 / 4 =62.5) than her (100 / 2 =50). So no, she is absolutely not subsidising me?

I wasn’t annoyed. I am merely commenting that given the opportunity it wasn’t taken. As it goes it made my life easier - she couldn’t make the same arguments quite as easily.

I am talking about your threshold for rich. At what point would you be rich enough to feel you would treat your family as you indicated in your first post?

I wasn’t annoyed.

"not a fucking chance. It was the principle of the matter. Do as I say, not as I do."

You come across a little peeved here....

I am talking about your threshold for rich. At what point would you be rich enough to feel you would treat your family as you indicated in your first post?

My post that said "If I was a millionaire I would treat my family all the time ". There is a clue in there 😆. As I have already said I do treat my family & the more money I have the more I would treat them. But I like my family, we get on really well & spend lots of time together.

Well being a millionaire doesn’t quite give you the flexibility you think 🤣🤣🤣

You could be generous if you like - you don’t like.

Fine.

But don’t pretend you’ve been the loving, spoiling auntie or the bff Dsis who treats her hard-working baby sis.

You’re the sis who married up and is grimly determined to hang onto it.

In terms of attitudes to money, it’s yours I find interesting.

We do this for my niece and nephew - holidays, expensive gifts, experiences. Their parents don’t ask or expect but we love them (and their parents) and don’t begrudge it at all. I don’t want our children to be the ‘haves’ and theirs to be the ‘have nots’. My husband doesn’t bat an eyelid and is in agreement. As couples, we are great friends too. If your sister is your best friend and you spend money like water anyway (SAHM and nanny?), do you begrudge them a holiday? I absolutely don’t, I treasure all of our time together.

Well being a millionaire doesn’t quite give you the flexibility you think

What flexibility do you think I think it gives you?

@Nina1013 how lovely