To mention that my sis seems to want to take advantage of me

[lilslittlesis]

My sister and I are just 14 months apart and have always been really close. Things got a bit tense in my early 20s when I met my now-husband: he’s 11 years older and from a much wealthier family. She was not a fan at first, saying he was too old, I was only with him for the money, it wouldn’t last, and he’d eventually trade me in. Of course, DH is far from perfect and like all couples we have our ups and downs but in all honesty, I think there was a bit of jealousy: he’s tall, good-looking, funny, kind, ambitious, and financially secure (both from his family and his own work).

Over time, she’s eased up, and now we’re back to being best friends. That said, she still throws in the occasional dig maybe once or twice a year about me not working or asking if I’m really happy “just” cooking and looking after the kids (before anyone panics as I know MN dislike women being SAHMs with no income, I do manage some rental properties and have investments in my own name, but it’s not a full-time job). My husband and sister actually get along well, and as far as I know, she’s never made these comments to his face.

I have three kids (5, 3, and 1), and she has one who just turned 2. She has a good lifestyle—not struggling at all, but not exactly luxury either. Lately, she’s been hinting that I should buy things for her or cover costs. For example, we were out for lunch (which I paid for if that’s relevant, but we’ve never done the whole “let’s split the bill but you owe 72p more than I do”, just one gets it once and the other gets it next time, now more like I get it 2-3 times and she gets it once because I bring more children so more mouths to feed or more tickets needed for them), and after we had paid she handed me some Easter-themed toys, saying, “Can you get these for DN?” They weren’t expensive, and I wouldn’t have minded, but it just felt… odd. It wasn’t a birthday, she can easily afford them, and it’s not a one-off. She does similar if we’re shopping and I find a cardigan for one of my children, she’ll hand me one in size 2yrs and say her child wants a matching one.

We’re also going on a short trip soon (me, the kids, and our nanny), and when she said she’d love to come, I shared the details, but she seemed a bit put out that I didn’t offer to pay. For birthdays and Christmas, she now requests very expensive gifts (£300+) for DN, even though we’ve never exchanged gifts of that value before, and she’s never bought anything close to that for my kids (nor would I expect her to!). If my children have a pricey toy, she’ll nudge DN and say, while looking at me, “You’d like one of those, wouldn’t you?” There's so many other examples.

I’m not sure how to handle this. Do I say something? Or just let it go?

And bc your life is better doesn’t mean you have to make anyone else’s life better. They can make their own life better. Go back to school, get a masters.its not her sisters responsibility to make her life better unless your a communist

Oh c'mon this is her sister who she's always been extremely close to. Inviting your sister to lunch because you're better off hardly makes you a communist ffs.

shes really taking advantage of you and if I was you I would make some changes. Could you potentially stop the lunches and just meet somewhere for walks, a park, a coffee shop instead? Maybe suggest you are ‘tightening the purse strings’ for personal reasons or savings etc.
If you do want to still do the lunches maybe say “from now on are you happy we pay for our own”? I think if she wants to meet she will then agree but if she says she can’t afford it then suggest coffee instead or something cheaper?
she’s used to you doing this and you’ve been really kind but she’s appearing to be taking advantage of your kindness unfortunately.

’our nanny’ like paid help even though you are a SAHM?????!!!!!!

So your a SAHM and have a nanny … how does that work?

@RaspberryBeretxx dd2 has married into a wealthy family and live mortgage free in a house worth a couple of million. She works ft and earns a high salary. I work pt for minimum wage in a warehouse, dd3 is still at school and exdh is unemployed. I wouldn't expect her to fund my lifestyle or her sister's! She does pay for dd3's dance lessons but I pay for her piano lessons, driving lessons etc.

Would it be a worthwhile use of HER funds? Ask her.

You need to talk to her about her sense of entitlement to your husband's / family's money.

well she's taking advantage of "your" money less than you're taking advantage of your husband's money.

you didn't do anything to earn it either so I don't see why you're so protective about gatekeeping it.

I can’t imagine having your lifestyle and not paying my sisters lunch tbh, I don’t think she’s right with expectations and hints though that would annoy me but if I was well off I’d love treating my sister and niece

Marrying and going on to have 3 children with a man and becoming his partner life is absolutely not the same thing as a SIL wanting to be able to spend 'his' money, too.

🙄

He chose/chooses to share it with wife, not with his wife’s sister.

That’s not what I mean. I mean that eve thinks that if you have you should be happy to give it away. She’d probably be happy but the way the sister is doing it is leaving a bad her mouth. Wasn’t lunch those many times enough, she also a family and it 5 people. You don’t give your money an especially it they don’t appreciate. That’s really the problem

This is just rude. Regardless that you have the money. Maybe start suggesting that you divide meals by number of people and you pay your 3/5
or choose a cheaper restaurant as £100 is a lot given the kids are little.

I think OP was just using those numbers for ease of showing the split - I don't imagine even the richest person would spend £100 on lunch for a one year old!

My dm is not wealthy but definitely comfortable eg they are buying a 2024 car for cash this week and we are on UC. She can be generous but only on her terms eg she'll offer to pay for dd3 to do A but not B even though they are similarly priced (or B is cheaper) and dd3 would rather do B! I tend to just pay myself.

Controversially, I can kind of see her point, you can afford to holiday with a nanny, so you're paying the nanny's flights/accomodation and salary just so you can have some help on hol (this is totally your perogative and hard earned by your husband, no shade!) I can see how she probably thinks 1 more adult and child isn't actually that much to you if you can take a random person to look after your children.
It's totally your choice though. Personally, I'd buy her stuff, I do this for less well off friends for lunches or dinners or tickets, I genuinely won't notice the money and I doubt you would either. I like sharing my money though, it brings me joy to give gifts or trips if I can afford it. For example my husband happily pays for my parents to go abroad on hols with us or we would invite my brother and gf to share an air bnb and not bill them, or sometimes vice versa if my parents invite us on a holiday they'd always pay for me, my brother, our partners and kids.

However, it is absolutely your choice, not hers, so very cheeky (and a bit weird/inappropriate) of her to ask!! I'd never ask family for money unless it was a loan request (did this when I was younger). If you don't want to and are adamant you might need to have a direct chat. Are you sure she's doing OK financially, maybe things are tighter than you realise. I'd start there, and if she says she's doing fine albeit not as well as your family then I'd say "well then you can pay for your small share of the trip".

This isnt a good sibling relationship.. you have your family she has hers it's up to her to buy her own things for her child or pay for breaks away .. she sounds entitled.

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