To mention that my sis seems to want to take advantage of me

[lilslittlesis]

My sister and I are just 14 months apart and have always been really close. Things got a bit tense in my early 20s when I met my now-husband: he’s 11 years older and from a much wealthier family. She was not a fan at first, saying he was too old, I was only with him for the money, it wouldn’t last, and he’d eventually trade me in. Of course, DH is far from perfect and like all couples we have our ups and downs but in all honesty, I think there was a bit of jealousy: he’s tall, good-looking, funny, kind, ambitious, and financially secure (both from his family and his own work).

Over time, she’s eased up, and now we’re back to being best friends. That said, she still throws in the occasional dig maybe once or twice a year about me not working or asking if I’m really happy “just” cooking and looking after the kids (before anyone panics as I know MN dislike women being SAHMs with no income, I do manage some rental properties and have investments in my own name, but it’s not a full-time job). My husband and sister actually get along well, and as far as I know, she’s never made these comments to his face.

I have three kids (5, 3, and 1), and she has one who just turned 2. She has a good lifestyle—not struggling at all, but not exactly luxury either. Lately, she’s been hinting that I should buy things for her or cover costs. For example, we were out for lunch (which I paid for if that’s relevant, but we’ve never done the whole “let’s split the bill but you owe 72p more than I do”, just one gets it once and the other gets it next time, now more like I get it 2-3 times and she gets it once because I bring more children so more mouths to feed or more tickets needed for them), and after we had paid she handed me some Easter-themed toys, saying, “Can you get these for DN?” They weren’t expensive, and I wouldn’t have minded, but it just felt… odd. It wasn’t a birthday, she can easily afford them, and it’s not a one-off. She does similar if we’re shopping and I find a cardigan for one of my children, she’ll hand me one in size 2yrs and say her child wants a matching one.

We’re also going on a short trip soon (me, the kids, and our nanny), and when she said she’d love to come, I shared the details, but she seemed a bit put out that I didn’t offer to pay. For birthdays and Christmas, she now requests very expensive gifts (£300+) for DN, even though we’ve never exchanged gifts of that value before, and she’s never bought anything close to that for my kids (nor would I expect her to!). If my children have a pricey toy, she’ll nudge DN and say, while looking at me, “You’d like one of those, wouldn’t you?” There's so many other examples.

I’m not sure how to handle this. Do I say something? Or just let it go?

@YesImawitch yes I could speak up, and I did when she was being mean about my relationship. At the time we shared a flat we rented for our first jobs out of university. She obviously wasn't pleased about the fact that I'd effectively told her to stop making comments on my relationship and stopped sharing anything about my boyfriend. She mainly seemed annoyed that she should be able to say things ans give her advice as my sister and I was being too defensive about someone who I shouldnt be as loyal to (boyfriend) as my sister.
The situation was resolved by me never sharing as much about my relationship again and moving out soon after to live with my then-boyfriend (now husband). In hindsight, maybe sooner than we'd have otherwise done it - we moved in after 6mo together

My husband doesn't earn 200K, I don't earn 34K and I am not looking for childcare funding options. So no, wasn't me

It sounds like she is enmeshed but you are not
She doesn't seem to understand that you are separate people with separate lives, finances etc

I think you are wise to watch what you tell her, be firm surrounding boundaries. Etc

We don't talk about how much things cost but I probably see her at least one day per week and we will spend most of the day together - maybe a lunch out and then walk in the park, then back to my house for some snacks for the kids, or a day out all together at the zoo and then her or my house for the children to play, so naturally she sees a lot of us and topics come up such a schools, holidays etc. I don't purposely go shopping with her but on a few occasions (not every time) we might pass a Trotters / Petit Bateau / Next / etc on the way home from lunch and one of us (not always me, not always her) would suggest a browse - perhaps I should stop declining those browses. Or with the lunch example it was Daylesford and they had the Easter toys for sale in the exact same building we had lunch

She’s a CF and it will only get worse. I had the entire ‘oh you are sending kids privately, wouldn’t it be nice DN if your mummy paid for your cousin to go to’ from SIL - directly to my 10 yr old DS putting DS in a horrible position really. It was a ‘joke’ apparently but considering the amount of times MIL and SIL have hinted about different things I don’t think it was. They have stopped for now (tho for various reasons may start again) but it took a dogged ‘Nope!/Oh yes you should def buy that for yourself/your child etc’ to get to this point.

People like that don’t stop and only use ‘family’ as leverage.

If she suggests another browse you could maybe suggest she goes in but your ok for clothes at the moment and don’t need anymore - you can always shop without her. Same with things like toys, make it clear you’re not buying any of the kids toys right at this moment so you start setting expectations.
I’m sure she’s grateful to you, mostly likely she wouldn’t be spending a day a week with you if not but has fallen in to some bad habits.

I wouldn't decline going shopping with her but I wouldn't buy her things.

after we had paid she handed me some Easter-themed toys, saying, “Can you get these for DN?”

What did you say?

My answer to all of this would be, 'of course not-don't be a cheeky cow!' and give whatever it is back to her. Say the same thing every time.

£300 on your nephew in presents?!
What planet is she on?!

I don't spend that much on my own child.

You need to confront her and say you are not an ATM. Do not be guilted into this. If she throws a strop she's showing she doesn't value your relationship and just sees £££s

I couldn't be doing with this.

If I was a millionaire I would treat my family all the time 🤷🏻‍♀️

That doesn't mean being a cash machine out of guilt though.

Say no, it is your control to say no

@spoodlesee its funny. My MIL said that if she ever got any surprise windfall ‘she would share’. She got a windfall. Not huge but decent 5 figures. At which point she said ‘I could have shared but decided it was my windfall so it was all mine’. Of course, this reaction was fine by me. Set a precedent.

Point is. I don’t think you would. I have 3 at public school. Fees are hitting £20k a term each now. What looks like a very healthy account at the beginning of the academic year can look very bare if it’s not nurtured. Same with house, car, holidays, trips. Sorry every penny that comes in and goes out is accounted for. It’s not a cash machine.

This is so tricky to navigate. I think if she never asked, and you offered, it would be easier. Her asking makes it more difficult.

Can you have a frank conversation. She is probably very jealous of your lifestyle and (rightly) knows you can afford to pay for her. You have a considerably better life than she does and that must hurt.

Otoh she should not be asking for you to pay, that's rude.

@Jinglejumble I think it depends on your family & how you were raised? Our family does share & would, you are different clearly.

Asking you to buy clothes, gifts or expensive birthday presents for her kids is cheeky, rude (and a bit crass).

I’d probably let the odd meal or coffee go though.

@spoodlesee I was brought up that your life is your responsibility.

I am extremely fortunate and run a successful business but DB is much richer than I am. I joke if he lent me a tenner he would charge me interest. I respect everything he has done massively. He is extremely well respected in his industry and he has responsibility to his wife and children, not me. And in turn I have responsibility for my nuclear family, not him.

It goes so far that if we hadn’t done well for ourselves everything my parents made would have to charity as opposed to us. It’s only now that DPs feel differently. It’s called self sufficiency

And my point is I heard for years about how the in laws share. Until it was their turn. Then, as usual, the purse slammed shut. So excuse me if I think it’s fine you say that…. But would you?

So you agree with me because as I said it just depends on your own family & how you were raised. We have wider family members who are very generous with money at times, My parents gave us a 6 fig deposit to help us onto the ladder. It's perhaps a cultural thing as my parents aren't English, you share successes and it doesn't mean you aren't responsible for your own life.

@Jinglejumble why would you extrapolate your experience to every family though? 😆. My in-laws are generous so of course I reciprocate how I can. Perhaps your in-laws presumed you didn't need it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your sister is rude. If it wasn't for her asking for stuff and being entitled I would invite her for holidays since you got the means. But with that attitude I wouldn't see much of her tbh.

Ah yes: ‘how you can’…. That doesn’t sound equal or sharing in the same way. This is my point, what people often judge should be shared with them rarely feel they actually ‘can’ do exactly the same if push came to shove, even if they could. They just never ‘can’ because for them it’s different… so the reality is it’s an idea you have in your head that won’t ever actually be tested making you free to say what you like without ever having to back it up in terms of action.

This for me honestly, is very private matter. This is your blood relative, you have almost twin relationship like age wise. Ok, she is jealous. So what. Do not smear her on here. Do with your money what you like.

I was baffled by this one in particular because they were not at all expensive. Ok £5 for some felt rabbits is steep but in itself £5 isn't an unaffordable sum. I just said oooh they're cute, I gotta help my DC with their coat though before we head outside. I must have given her an involuntary look though because I was genuinely very confused and shocked. Why?!!

Ah yes: ‘how you can’…. That doesn’t sound equal or sharing in the same way.

I think you are confused by what I said, I don't understand why it has triggered you tbh. I never said the word equal or sharing in the same way? My first post said if I was rich I would share with my family. I then explained my own family dynamic & what is normal
for us.

I'm close to my younger brother and also a bit more 'comfortable' than him. I do tend to pay when our families go out to restaurants. He never expects it and always tries to pay back - or buy something else for me. My DH and I don't mind treating my brother and his family as he helps us out in other ways. However, I can see how it would be off-putting if it was expected of us.