My friend keeps pushing ADHD onto her child

[ow26x]

I know this may make me sound mad but I just need clarification that it’s not just me or maybe I just pick up on things easily. So last year I explained to my friend that I think my child, who was 3 at the time, now 4, might have ADHD as he shows the common symptoms. Personally I feel like he is too young to get labeled with anything but he pretty much ticks every box and his father was diagnosed at the age of 6. However, ever since I have mentioned this to my friend, every time I see her she has started mentioning how she now believes her now 5 year old has ADHD, she pushed for his nursery to keep an eye on him but they deemed no issues but now her son is in reception, she has now pushed it onto reception. Personally I don’t think her son has ADHD as nether her or his father has it, despite them both claiming to but they definitely have traits of autism between them, her son isn’t fidgety, he sits for hours on end on an iPad, which I disagree with massively & I find his hyper activity being due to being bored as the only place he goes is school and home again. Never the less, I just find it mad how she never mentioned it before until I said something about my son. Am I being crazily unreasonable to say it’s driving me mad every time I see her, it makes me not want to go around anymore. I think she may have munchausen by proxy or is simply looking for attention/more free money 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Could she not say the same of you? It’s not up to you, she knows her child best and ultimately it would be for a child psych to make this assessment. Perhaps you mentioning it helped to raise her own awareness but I don’t see why it concerns you or you feel the need to compete with it ? There has been a wave of adhd and autism awareness in recent years and lots of people are self diagnosing atm based on memes they relate with. But what’s the harm? If it helps them understand themselves better or seek support then isn’t that up to them ?

why would a diagnosis mean free money??

You can't gatekeep ADHD.

She sounds worried and you sound very unsupportive/almost jealous.

Wow!
maybe do a bit of further research into how 70% of adhd and asd symptoms cross over.

maybe there are all asd however the adhd seems a more manageable answer to her.
maybe they are both adhd and asd

maybe you should get on with dealing with your additional needs family and let her deal with hers.

as a Sen parent you should know what a battle we all face daily and be much more supportive and less judgemental

I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago. I never would have considered it in a million years until DS started being assessed. It was only when doing questionnaires for him that I started thinking 'hey I do that'. Maybe she's started looking into it since her conversation with you and her child ticks boxes?

I had expressed concerns over DS since reception but it was only in year 2 when the school finally referred him, also saying up to that point they had no concerns.

And ADHD isn't a one type fits all kind of diagnosis. I present very differently to DS but we both have it. I'd stop being presumptuous if I were you.

@MyGhastIsFlabbered I’m hardly being presumptuous. I just find it mad how it’s never been mentioned before until I did & ever since she’s done everything she can to push it. As if she’s in some kind of race with someone? Just the way I see it. She’s a very ‘look at me’ kind of girl, so just wanted to see if I had picked up on something.

Just stop speaking to her and leave her to it, you're no friend of hers.

@SnuffleTruffleHound i think you’ve missed the point. I’m not being judgemental in anyway, ive stated I’ve noticed her mentioned it EVERY TIME I see her, ever since I mentioned it. It’s ok if I’ve brought her awareness towards her own child, but it just seems to be as though she wants him to have it over him actually having it. & I have tried explaining how adhd & asd cross, she’s a life long friend also so no I won’t stay out of her business as she is in mine as much as I am hers.

her son isn’t fidgety, he sits for hours on end on an iPad, which I disagree with massively this doesn't mean he doesn't have ADHD and is really judgy. Maybe she is making it up, maybe it never occurred to her and something you said make her realise he could have ADHD, maybe she's always thought that and never bought it up before because she wasn't sure you'd be open to the idea. You dont know her child the way she does and while there seems to be a strong genetic component to a lot of ADHD and ASD that's not always the case.

@NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel I don’t think you read the whole post. What kind of person would be JEALOUS of someone pushing a disorder onto there child. It’s sickening if it’s not true. However, I am a very supportive friend and ‘auntie’ to her and her children, but to me it feels as though she wants him to have something over him actually having no anything

I don't think I did!

So it's ok for you to think your own dc has adhd without having a diagnosis but your friend is not allowed to think the same about her dc? Because you don't think he is showing the right symptoms? And your qualification to comment on this is what, exactly?

Also, what free money do you think your friend is suddenly going to be able to access?

It seems like she wrongly thought you would be a safe person to talk to, as you mentioning your own child having some ADHD traits likely made her feel comfortable to talk about her own childs differences.

@Catlad yes that could be the case and you may be right about the awareness but for someone whose claimed to have undiagnosed adhd herself all her life, I find it mad how it’s never been mentioned before until I said something.

also, she’d be entitled to child DLA and she is the kind of girl that will take as much money as possible.

@Simonjt no I think she feels pretty comfortable talking to me as we’ve been friends since nursery ourselves. I am safe and will continue to be as supportive as I can, hence why I listen to her. This is just something that gets mentioned every time I see her and eventually it becomes abit questionable on whether it’s her enforcing it or if he actually has it

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves no I didn’t state it was ok for one to say it and not the other have I? I’ve made the comment that my son shows signs of, it’s just I’d never heard her or anyone around her mention it before until I made 1 comment, it’s now the topic of every subject when I see her. Almost as if she’s pushing for it.

You’ve just described your ‘friend’ as a shit parent with iPad for a parenting strategy, attention seeker and free money grabber. As well as just annoying you. You know no one’s forcing you to be friends?

@NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel no I think I’ll leave it for her to decide whether I am a friend or not as I’m the only one who is actually supportive with her, even when I don’t agree with her. Hence why I came on here to make a comment instead of being a mean person. Which I’m not.

Maybe she felt more comfortable talking to you about it once you openned up. There is still a lot of prejudice around disabilities, and some people feel they or their child may be judged for potentially having additional needs.

And even with a diagnosis, don't automatically get DLA, the threshold is quite high

Hmmmm, poster comes on Mumsnet asking if they are being unreasonable then argues vehemently when told that she is, in fact, being unreasonable. Never seen that happen before.

@SiberFox I haven’t labeled my friend to be a lazy parent whatsoever. Her child is an iPad kid and doesn’t do much outside of the house except school. She is definitely an attention seeker 🤣 but that’s nothing she doesn’t know, she laughs about it herself. I love her, as my friend, we’ve been friends since day 1. It’s just 1 thing I’ve picked up on and it’s a constant conversation between us which is what makes me think she’s pushing it over him actually having it.

Why are you friends?

You do sound jealous, like you want to be the only person with a child who has ADHD.

I suppose you probably are nice to her face, but you've called her a shit, attention seeking parent who would somehow push a diagnosis onto her child (which shows you don't know what you're talking about) for money, so I'll stand by my statement that you are no friend of hers.

@Kbroughton i don’t believe I am being unreasonable as there’s a lot more to it without making everyone read 6 hours worth of conversations between me and her. However there’s no other place to put it. I’m reading what people are saying but when there’s people screaming ‘jealous’ or ‘not her friend’ I am going to have something to say back as that is simply not the case and she’d agree with me also on that haha. I came for people’s advice the situation not opinions on who I am as a person when you know nothing about me or my friend.

Well we aren't going to know if you've 'picked up on something' as we don't know the woman or her child.

Not everyone with adhd is physically hyperactive.

You aren't a specialised who can diagnose or rule out adhd and as you have pointed out their possible ASD it is quite possible their dd has some neurodiversity which may indeed be adhd.

You feel comfortable saying she has traits of autism in her family but you have decided her child does not have traits of adhd?

It’s very common for people with autism to have adhd.

Besides you clearly do not understanding that there are different types of adhd - your son seems to have the hyperactive type. There is also intentive adhd (hyperactive mind rather than hyperactive body) as well as the combined type. We have mostly inattentive adhd in our family and it presents completely differently to the hyperactive type.