My friend keeps pushing ADHD onto her child

[ow26x]

I know this may make me sound mad but I just need clarification that it’s not just me or maybe I just pick up on things easily. So last year I explained to my friend that I think my child, who was 3 at the time, now 4, might have ADHD as he shows the common symptoms. Personally I feel like he is too young to get labeled with anything but he pretty much ticks every box and his father was diagnosed at the age of 6. However, ever since I have mentioned this to my friend, every time I see her she has started mentioning how she now believes her now 5 year old has ADHD, she pushed for his nursery to keep an eye on him but they deemed no issues but now her son is in reception, she has now pushed it onto reception. Personally I don’t think her son has ADHD as nether her or his father has it, despite them both claiming to but they definitely have traits of autism between them, her son isn’t fidgety, he sits for hours on end on an iPad, which I disagree with massively & I find his hyper activity being due to being bored as the only place he goes is school and home again. Never the less, I just find it mad how she never mentioned it before until I said something about my son. Am I being crazily unreasonable to say it’s driving me mad every time I see her, it makes me not want to go around anymore. I think she may have munchausen by proxy or is simply looking for attention/more free money 🤦🏻‍♀️.

You clearly don't!

She probably felt after you mentioned it about your own child, that you were a safe space. That she could confide in you and share your experiences together.

Managing ADHD is hard. Poor woman has sought help in the wrong place.

I think you're being very sensible in not getting a label for your child at a young age and are just watching how he develops.
My son struggles at times and may have something but just trying to adapt parenting through reading parenting books to support him as best I can.
I'm in a slightly different camp with friends saying they think their children are possibly autistic.....but observing parenting, diet and life style think there might be other things at play.

Munchausen by proxy is when someone makes another person become physically ill on purpose, for attention etc. This could be by putting something in their food, for example, or by giving them something they are allergic to.

It is not possible to give someone ADHD. So no, it's not Munchausen by proxy.

@Notchangingnameagain i am definitely a safe space for her, as she is for me. Hence why i went to her in the first place with my concerns over my own child & I know adhd is hard as I have lived with a man who has it for the past 10 years. I see first hand how he struggles daily and the toll it’s taken on my family. I simply came for useful advice and how others view the situation, the situation being she’s never spoken to me before until I mentioned something and now it’s alls she goes on about.. if that makes me a bad friend for seeking advice then so be it, you mustn’t be able to have a voice in your friendships if that’s the case.

Your poor friend. Your poor son!

You need a lot of paperwork and proof to get DLA, but a specific diagnosis doesn't need to be part of that. In some areas assessment waiting lists are many years long. But there could be input from e.g. educational psychology, occupational therapy, play therapist etc.

A diagnosis is less important than educating yourself and learning skills and techniques to support your child. If you have a hyperactive child reading about ADHD will likely provide you with a lot of insights into how to support children like this whether or not they turn out to have the specific condition.

@Mumofoneandone thank you for your advice & understanding 🫶🏼

Wait a minute... I forgot that part of the situation... You have been living with someone with ADHD but haven't bothered to learn about what that condition is? I give up. I hope your child's Dad can be the support they deserve.

@ThisFluentBiscuit ’Munchausen syndrome, is a mental health disorder in which a caregiver creates the appearance of health problems in another person – typically their child, and sometimes when an adult falsely simulates an illness or health issues’..

You can google munchausen syndrome but you can't google ADHD to find out that a) it presents differently in person to person b) a diagnosis is actually incredibly helpful to the individual and c) being diagnosed with it doesn't automatically pay your parent money?

@sunshine244 I know all about my partners adhd as he’s informed me of it and I’ve seen it. That to me is educational enough to learn how to live with HIM. He is not my son and my son shows symptoms that my partner doesn’t as he’s older and handles it himself. I’m sure if his dad was his sole carer he’d probably of had several meltdowns by now as I am the much more calmer one in the house. So no I don’t think dad would be a better support system then me, as we do it together and agree on things before anything is pursued 🤣

@sweetpickle2 i have tried googling adhd but there’s clearly that many aspects of it, it’s confusing to understand and know what’s right and wrong. Munchausens only really has 1 meaning of action. And so I’ll say again, I didn’t know adhd was different forms, I thought there was 2 kinds but both entailed the same actions. & that’s funny cause above people have stated you don’t even need a diagnosis to get DLA so makes me wonder who actually knows what there talking about and whose ‘just used google’

So you want to deny your child from having the basic advantage of understanding why they are who they are, and why what some people find very easy is very difficult for them… because you think your checks notes teeny tiny baby 5 year old child would use it to his advantage..?

Also, You’re having 6 hour conversations and you don’t think your friend might also be adhd?

Girl bffr. You don’t like your friend, you’re over entwined, you’re jealous and angry she’s pursuing something you wanted to gatekeep. It pulses out every word you’ve written.

You've come on here accusing your 'friend' of sticking her child on an ipad, being an attention seeker, money grabber/benefit fraudster, and possibly having MBP, then playing dumb and saying you're only seeking advice...for what? The only advice is to distance yourself from this person who is clearly not your friend.

BTW you are totally uninformed about ADHD. I have it and was only diagnosed in adulthood, when it had caused huge problems in my life, but because I'm not the stereotypical 8 year old boy bouncing off walls you would probably think I was just one of those fakers looking for all that free disability cash.

Babe this is why professionals do the official diagnosing. You don’t have any real idea medically what you speak of. They don’t just go diagnosing any child. They know what to look for and how to spot it. Regardless of what age you’re diagnosed. Early intervention gives children the best chance and can stop them falling far behind or developing a comorbidity condition, serious anxiety problems, etc.

I think you need to back tf off from your friend because you so clearly resent them and seemingly refuse to acknowledge that about yourself.

@MissDoubleU I mean what I do with my child and what I think is best for my child is ultimately down to me. Same as it is for her but when she’s making it my business every time we chat and I try explaining what I think she shuts me down. & my child is hardly teeny tiny, he’s 4 & will tell me to do one if I so much as look at him funny. Sorry if your 4 year old still acts like a baby but mine is very aware and mature.

& she may well have adhd but she won’t go & get herself checked.. so she can’t claim to have something she doesn’t know can she? Same with her child, she doesn’t know her child has adhd but she’ll tell the whole world he does, without seeking medical opinions.

& let’s be actually for fucking real. She is my friend, she knows what I think of the situation, many other friends and family members have stated the same opinion as me to her so I’ve came on here to seek advice from others that don’t know her to see what people think of the situation. So no there’s nothing to be jealous or angry 🤣

@hazelnutvanillalatte yep because she does? Or would you rather I lied and still seek advice? Sorry for portraying her image so you understand who she is without explaining the girls entire life. Or are you a liar?

& yep as I have stated many times before, my lack of knowledge is literally the reason I am here seeking advice and others opinions as for me I once got taught the ‘common’ knowledge to which isn’t always correct.

It's difficult to say that a child has a disability or not when you don't live with them. Even dh, who understands that ds1 has autism, is baffled as to why he gets PIP. A lot of disabled children are easy to look after for an hour or 2, it's the sleepless nights, endless paperwork and trying to organise fun things to do for a child in a world that is not designed for them that is the really hard bit.

My kids are teens, actually. So in relation, yes, all 4/5 year olds are bloody babies! They’re still brand new to the world. If you truly believe your child would use an accurate doctor given diagnosis to manipulate you and everyone, and therefore you should withhold said diagnosis from them, then you have bigger issues here than what your friend is doing.

Adult ADHD diagnosis on the NHS has an incredibly arduous waiting list that increases every year. In my area 4 years ago it was 2 years and now it is an expected 8 years wait for an initial appointment. It’s up to her if she wants to seek that or if she is happy with self diagnosis and figuring herself out.

You say she is happy to tell everyone her child is ADHD without seeking medical opinion, but you yourself have stated you believe your own child is and also have defended refusing your child the same medical opinion.

Is your real problem that you and your friend are just far, far too alike? Because that’s very common.

@MissDoubleU well my 5 year old will happily lob a toy, smash the tv & blame it on the dog. That doesn’t mean I have any kind of issue. It more just makes me wonder if my child has something but like say, I will be keeping an eye on it and ultimately will seek help if and when I think the time is right.

& no I stated I mentioned my child shows symptoms, 1 time, over a year ago and ever since it’s almost been like she’s rushed into making sure she gets some kind of diagnosis, before even getting her child seen to by a professional.

& maybe being friends for 24 years would potentially mean we are alike, however me & her claim to be polar opposites 😂

maybe being friends for 24 years would potentially mean we are alike, however me & her claim to be polar opposites

This is likely because you are silently bitter rivals, despite being very close friends. You have been entwined so long you need your own identities and resent the idea of sharing common ground. This puts you in clear competition with each other, although maybe not consciously clear to yourselves.

@MissDoubleU in all honesty I don’t feel resentment towards her, I hope she gets the help she believes her child needs, there isn’t a thing in the world I wouldn’t do for her or her children. And whatever the outcome of her child’s diagnosis is I would be there to support her. I simply don’t want to push that onto my child just yet but like say we are different and view things differently. I just find it mad how she’s so adamant her child has it and simply shuts down anyone who has a different opinion. You may be right in some sense but as a friend, I just don’t want her to be making a fool of herself & really wanted clarification that I wasn’t going insane on the whole topic because despite me telling her it’s alls we seem to talk about, it doesn’t seem to register with her (even if that makes me sound like a mean person, I don’t mean to be) but never the less I’ll still have the same conversations over & over again because that’s what friends do is it not..

They can try to claim what they like but without documentation of a diagnosis they won't get far.

You said you understood how this all works.

Not very well you don't

Why do you think you have the authority to determine whether someone displays signs of autism or adhd or not?
The audacity is astounding