My friend keeps pushing ADHD onto her child

[ow26x]

I know this may make me sound mad but I just need clarification that it’s not just me or maybe I just pick up on things easily. So last year I explained to my friend that I think my child, who was 3 at the time, now 4, might have ADHD as he shows the common symptoms. Personally I feel like he is too young to get labeled with anything but he pretty much ticks every box and his father was diagnosed at the age of 6. However, ever since I have mentioned this to my friend, every time I see her she has started mentioning how she now believes her now 5 year old has ADHD, she pushed for his nursery to keep an eye on him but they deemed no issues but now her son is in reception, she has now pushed it onto reception. Personally I don’t think her son has ADHD as nether her or his father has it, despite them both claiming to but they definitely have traits of autism between them, her son isn’t fidgety, he sits for hours on end on an iPad, which I disagree with massively & I find his hyper activity being due to being bored as the only place he goes is school and home again. Never the less, I just find it mad how she never mentioned it before until I said something about my son. Am I being crazily unreasonable to say it’s driving me mad every time I see her, it makes me not want to go around anymore. I think she may have munchausen by proxy or is simply looking for attention/more free money 🤦🏻‍♀️.

The resentment is screaming as soon as you talk about she’s the type to claim any “free money” she can get and suggest that’s at the root of why she wants to “push this” agenda on her perfectly neurotypical child.

Leave her to claim what she wants, if professionals come back and say she’s wrong she can deal with it as and when. Recognising her child needs additional help and advocating for it never makes someone a bad mum or “grabby” either. Maybe part of your frustration is actually that you feel guilty you aren’t advocating for your child who clearly has some issues, yes? Focus on your own child and why he’s smashing the TV and the everything else, worry less about protecting your friend from the same harmful opinions you think others might have, which you already do have.

@crankytoes because that’s my opinion & as much as you might not agree with it I am entitled to my opinion. I haven’t said they don’t have adhd they have autism, I’ve said they show symptoms of autism. Your just to sensitive for me to have a mature conversation with 😂

You do know many people actually have both..?

@MissDoubleU actually upon thinking about everything you’ve wrote. I do think resentment is the wrong word but it’s just almost like I can’t be assed listening to it anymore. As it’s just been so long and no progress has been made from her. Is she that concerned for her child? Or is it just an attention seeking methods she’s using against people?..

I would love to simply focus on my child but when it’s a daily conversation about her child & the same statements are being made it does eventually become draining. Which I think anyone would agree with. No I don’t feel guilty at all, I’m happy with the way my child is right now, he has an amazing active childhood and he doesn’t need to be labelled for people to treat him differently then what they do now.

ps, I also never labeled her a bad mum, that was everyone else’s assumption from reading that her child sits on an iPad for hours on end.. because he does, or again, would you want me to lie? 🤷🏻‍♀️

& opinions aren’t harmful. If you take offence to people’s opinions then I’m afraid you probably won’t get anywhere in life. People are entitled to think/say whatever they want about you, it’s down to you to be mature enough to brush it off & carry on with you life

Like I said before, it’s very clear you need to take a step back from this woman. Your relationship sounds toxic, you don’t need to be talking for hours every day. Do neither of you have your own hobbies or interests..?

Surely you just say “Look Susan, we’ve discussed the ADHD thing. Either seek diagnosis/treatment or don’t. There’s nothing more to say about it, we’ve talking it to death. Have you listened to the new X album/watched that movie/read something/drawn anything today?”

Why are you 'friends' with someone you clearly do not like?

I'm glad you're not my 'friend'

Friends like you, who needs enemies?!

You don't have the monopoly on adhd. If she feels that might fit her kid, who are you to say it doesn't?

I think you should do her a favour and cut contact.

Years ago, I knew a mum a bit like this when one of my children was going through the diagnosis treadmill. It was a bit like a "keeping up with the Joneses" type thing. It was bizarre, I couldn't make any sense of it.
In the end she made some racist remarks about names in the kids' reading books (knowing full well that I am mixed race - my actual name is one of the ones she was moaning about!) and then said something amazingly rude about a teacher who had been kind and helpful to me, and I snapped and said that it was probably best we didn't have play dates any more. I'd forgotten all about her until reading your post!

I know not the point of your message but do think through the fact you don't want to diagnose and label your child with adhd so early. I do understand that but waiting lists are hideous and if you leave it until you have an issue you may find they get considerably worse whilst you have to wait for appointments. You don't have to do anything or necessarily even tell your child but having a diagnosis in your back pocket makes it easier to get help when you need it. If you see how busy their bodies are their poor little minds are working just as hard too and it's exhausting.

Maybe, since you brought it up, she thinks you are happy to have conversations about something you are both going through. As you know, hyperfixating on something IS a symptom of both ADHD and ASD. I wouldn't have thought for a second she is trying to 'beat you to it'. In the kindest possible way, you need to gain some perspective. If you don't like her, then stop seeing her. If you don't want to talk about ADHD, then communicate that to her. You are having a big reaction to something quite small, perhaps have a think about that. (Not trying to be mean)

Maybe she had concerns about her own child and that when you mentioned it about yours she felt you were a safe person to talk to?

Maybe she has munchausens after all you know her a lot better than we do.

An opinion is something formed from knowledge and frankly you don't have that. You are not qualified. You don't have the experience, expertise or knowledge to make the statements you make. What you are stating is a called prejudice or conjecture. They aren't the same thing as an opinion at all.

Intelligent qualified people have opinions.
The wailing masses have prejudice and conjecture. You see it every day on the Daily Mail

OP I feel sorry for your friend; I wish she knew how you really think about her. Maybe it’s your own neurodivergence that makes you fail to understand what people are saying, but this is a weird way to feel about someone you purportedly care about and support.

Maybe you should both stop psychologising your children and let them be themselves. School will tell you if there are any issues.

They really won’t. I kept telling my DD’s school something wasn’t right and I was dismissed as “that”parent. Several years later she has 4x NHS diagnosis and an EHCP. SEN boards are littered with similar tales.