My friend keeps pushing ADHD onto her child

[ow26x]

I know this may make me sound mad but I just need clarification that it’s not just me or maybe I just pick up on things easily. So last year I explained to my friend that I think my child, who was 3 at the time, now 4, might have ADHD as he shows the common symptoms. Personally I feel like he is too young to get labeled with anything but he pretty much ticks every box and his father was diagnosed at the age of 6. However, ever since I have mentioned this to my friend, every time I see her she has started mentioning how she now believes her now 5 year old has ADHD, she pushed for his nursery to keep an eye on him but they deemed no issues but now her son is in reception, she has now pushed it onto reception. Personally I don’t think her son has ADHD as nether her or his father has it, despite them both claiming to but they definitely have traits of autism between them, her son isn’t fidgety, he sits for hours on end on an iPad, which I disagree with massively & I find his hyper activity being due to being bored as the only place he goes is school and home again. Never the less, I just find it mad how she never mentioned it before until I said something about my son. Am I being crazily unreasonable to say it’s driving me mad every time I see her, it makes me not want to go around anymore. I think she may have munchausen by proxy or is simply looking for attention/more free money 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Well I didn’t realise I had it until nhs professionals told me they thought I had it at 56 after diagnosing my autism. Have been nhs diagnosed
since as have my children. None of us are hyperactive.

The child will only be entitled to DLA if they are indeed assessed as having adhd so what are you scared of?

@NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel did you actually read what I wrote? The longer my son goes undiagnosed the better as I simply don’t want him to be labeled so I think you need to have a Google of the word jealous 🤣.. & again, nowhere have I said she was a ‘shit’ parent? 🤣 could she do more? Yes, but we all could in some way. If me saying her child is an iPad kid makes you think I’ve said she’s a bad parent then maybe the problem lies with you & not her? Or maybe you feel like a shit parent because your child sits on there iPad all the time? I don’t know, I’m just against technology for children but that’s my preference on how I raise my children. & ok, she’d beg to differ but whatever you say know it all 💀

Neither of our parents have ASD or ADHD but both my sister and I do, brothers don't. Neither my aunt or uncle are austic but my cousin is, aspergers diagnosis when it was a diagnosis. None of another cousin's family have ASD or ADHD but she has one son with each and a third without.

Just because your child's father has ADHD doesn't mean your son does and just because you think your friend's child doesn't have ADHD - hyperfocus is a sign of ADHD - doesn't mean he doesn't. He's 5, symptoms are more likely clearer now than in a 3 year old.

FII (fabricated and induced illness) is rare and a form of child abuse - she isn't making up symptoms or making her child ill. She's asking the school to keep an eye as she thinks her child might have ADHD. You don't sound like a friend at all nor up to date with your accusations.

@crankytoes scared? I don’t get what you mean by scared? And yes I know how it all works.

How on earth do you know her child doesn’t have ADHD? Neurodiversity presents differently in different people. The only people who would be qualified to tell her what her child does or doesn’t have would be a medical professional. You and your child don’t own the diagnosis (and please can we call it a diagnosis and not a ‘label’ - you wouldn’t say a child has been ‘labelled’ with diabetes or and ear infection would you?)

FWIW my son is autistic, dyspraxic and also likely ADHD. His dad and I are neurotypical. So don’t go around bandying around silly statements about ‘he can’t be adhd as his parents aren’t’.

I think you are getting a very hard time here op but I can see your point.

Well you stated that she would get DLA. Well yes she would IF HER CHILD HAS ADHD. So why would you even bring this up?
If the child has ADHD and got DLA then they need and deserve it.
If the child doesn't have ADHD then they won't get it.

So why bring it up. Scared as in you seen scared she is going to 'win' DLA by claiming her dc has adhd when they don't.

It doesn't work that way.

Well good!! People should take money they are entitled to, it would be pointless otherwise!!

You sound quite mean towards her.

Being ND runs in families, so we have dyslexia, ASD and dyspraxia diagnosed in several members of my extended family and I suspect undiagnosed inattentive ADHD. If the child's parents have undiagnosed ASD it's quite possible their child has ADHD or is ND in some way.

You can stop seeing her for any reason you like, if you've had enough of listening to her then don't see her any more if you don't want to. I think the last sentence of your original post though is very unfair.

@Stai i don’t know if you know this but ALOT of people claim money they shouldn’t be entitled too.

& im not mean, I just wrote what ive noticed over the past year. Is that not ok?

' son isn’t fidgety, he sits for hours on end on an iPad, which I disagree with massively & I find his hyper activity being due to being bored'

I was diagnosed with adhd in my 30s. I have never fidgeted...people who fidget get on my nerves (irrational, I know) and can spend hours focused on one thing, like a colouring game or something on my phone. I've never really been hyper either - quite the opposite.

Maybe learn about ADHD before making judgements as you clearly don't know a lot about it.

If this is how you talk about someone you claim to love and support god knows what you’re like to everyone else. You’ve launched a diatribe against her with a huge list of her failings as a person and a parent and continue to add to it with every update. I hope she sees this and stops spending time with someone who judges and despises her as you so obviously do. Really horrible to read.

@crankytoes theres a lot of people out there who claim benefits who aren’t entitled to them. Hence why my comment about her wanting more money stands.

& there’s nothing to be scared about? I think you’ve used the wrong word but I’ll take it. I hope she gets the answers she deserves for him but when it’s been the topic of conversation between us for the past year it becomes abit like ‘ok do something about it then’ instead of just telling me all the time.

You haven't said one positive thing about her.

You seem to think a diagnosis means she will get money as well, which isn't the case at all.

You really have a lot of learning to do about both ADHD and the benefits system.

I'm not a shit parent, but I'm also not a shit and judgemental friend either.

How do you know so many people who claim benefits they aren’t entitled to? Are you sitting in on their assessments? Or do you just read too much Daily Mail?

@NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel do you want to know all the positives about her before I post what I really want advice on? Cause to me that sounds crazy but if you need that to actually make clarification on the 1 situation I’m talking about then message me privately & ill tell you all the things that make us friends.

hm, i said that as that’s the comment she has made within one of our many conversations about it.

& yes maybe i do have a lot to learn about it, as it’s never been anything that effects my life I’ve never felt the need to learn about it, except from where I’ve stated ‘common symptoms’..

& so don’t take such offence to someone else’s experiences/thought then if it doesn’t concern you. Give your advice and move on.

Sorry OP- you are doing your child a massive disservice if you don't want your child diagnosed because they will be 'labelled'. It's not a label, it's a diagnosis. A medical one. ADHD is required to be assessed and diagnosed by a psychiatrist while an ed psych can diagnose ASD.

Do you know what a medical diagnosis means for your child? it means that they are able to access the support they need. if you hinder that knowingly then you are not doing the best you can for your child.

And what your friend does in relation to her child is none of your business.

Ugh I keep seeing these sorts of posts on MM, including when the child (or children) in question has a full diagnosis.

‘They definitely aren’t ND, it’s ~poor parenting~ and ~too much screen time~’

I have a diagnosed autistic child and have no idea how you could jump through all the hoops, have your child observed by educational professionals, by a psychologist and a trained paediatrician and have them diagnose a perfectly neurotypical as ASD or ADHD. If you, a casual observer with no qualifications, can clearly see there is nothing wrong than why on earth would professionals reach a different conclusion?

You see a snapshot of parenting and of that child so just leave it to the professionals to decide 🤷‍♀️

@AnneLovesGilbert for saying I think she has munchausen by proxy? I tell her to her face and laughs. She says things about me, which sensitive people could find offence to, which I find funny and we laugh together as that’s the kind of friendship we have. Sorry if you don’t have a friend close enough to joke about each other with or maybe just no sense of humour.

I hope she does read this too but she probably won’t, she’ll be to busy cleaning her house or on a sunbed 🤣 (again, another person joke between 2 friends)

OP, a few points.

1. Nobody gets benefits simply because they or their child has adhd.

1. Adhd does not always present in the same way.

1. Unless you are qualified to give a medical diagnosis and have completed a professional assessment, you are not in a position to say whether or not your friend's dc does or doesn't have adhd.

1. You are not an expert on adhd simply because your DH has it.

1. There is no such thing as "an ipad kid".

1. Most people don't slate their much loved friends on the Internet.

1. If you genuinely believe that your own child does have adhd, you are doing him no favours by failing to pursue a diagnosis.

Focus on you and your child. Spend time with the friends whose company you enjoy and back off from the ones who annoy you.

If indeed he is hours and hours on an iPad at such a young age then she’s a crap parent and any behaviour issues are likely due to that!

@MantleStatue i hear what your saying, I just don’t want my child to be diagnosed at the age of 4 as I know my child would use it to his advantage and play on it all his life, if he got to the age of 8/9 & was the same then that’s different but right now he’s a young child still who is possibly bursting with energy and like most children, has ants in his pants. That doesn’t make me bad, it’s just my preference on how I raise my child.

however, she makes it my business when she brings it up in every conversation we have.