Why do some parents not engage with school?! Asking as a teacher!

[Purpleturtle43]

I teach a Y1 class and have been a teacher for 20 years. Never have I experienced a class where parents are so unsupportive with regards to homework and providing what they need for class!

The majority of kids don't do their homework or do a really poor job of it. Most days when I ask the children to bring their reading books out at least 5 don't have them despite parents being told weekly the children need their books in school every day as we do daily reading. Many children also so they don't read their reading books at home.

Many parents don't provide their children when the necessary stuff for school for example pencils, indoor shoes, gym kits etc. meaning so much time is spent searching for spare things and we don't have enough supplies to go around.

I am a parent of 3 school aged children and totally understand the struggle, believe me the last thing I feel like doing when I get home all day from teaching kids is to do homework with my own but I always make sure it's done and kids have what they need for school.

I am just getting to the point where I wonder why I am bothering. It takes ages to look out reading books and to prepare homework and upload it online, it all just feels like a big waste of time.

If you don't engage with school can I ask why to give me some insight so I can think of some strategies that may work. I teach in an affluent area so money isn't usually a problem and the school I work in is very mindful of not asking for much, just the basics and we would definitely provide assistance when required.

Year 1 is 5-6 yos, right? They shouldn’t even be in school at that age. My son used to come home and fall asleep on the sofa, completely exhausted from keeping it together in an environment that he found endlessly stressful and overwhelming. It was a lovely school with lovely teachers but kids shouldn’t be made to spend hours every day reading and writing when they’re tiny. Just stop setting homework and take the pressure and stress off the families, the kids and yourself. You’ll be doing everyone a massive favour.

Correct me if i’m wrong but you would have gone to university for several years to become a teacher.I didn’t. I don’t know the right methods and techniques for a lot of homework. if they haven’t learnt it in school after being in class for 6+ hours a day they aren’t going to learn it at home. Also would rather use our limited family time on something better than homework

Dh and I both had senior professional jobs in the public sector where we were worked to the bone. Long days - over 10 hours. We did our best, but the only pre and post school options were childminders, and by the time we got them home the most we could all manage was food, bath and bedtime story. It just wasn't possible to keep up with the incessant requests for £1 here, yellow T-shirt there, make a model village, provide costume etc etc.

I did most of it, but under sufferance, with a grievance that as the mother and breadwinner, all of this shite still fell to me.

Most of the other mums were in "mum jobs", part-time or no jobs. I was progressing my career well, to ensure our future financial stability and to provide my kids with a good female role model.

We had no parents or family nearby, and no "village". It all fell to me alongside my exhausting job.

Until we resolve nonsense like this, women will never get a snifter of equality.

It's only some reading, spelling and a bit of practicing type homework!
Again, with the previous caveats aside, it's ridiculous to say there should be nothing!

But this is about how you and your DH have an equal career but unequal split of tasks at home?

Agreed and they definitely shouldn't have homework, need certain kit or have to remember items. It's such a shit existence for so many children born as an accessory to their parents who then shove them into school when they're so small and ultimately unhappy and exhausted.

You're not doing 60 hour weeks then, are you? And most parents are lucky to get in at 7pm after their working day plus commute.

Many careers and jobs just don't permit that.

My kids were also exhausted after a day of wraparound care on top of school. I felt terribly guilty about it all, but every choice I faced was bad. It was a case of picking bad from worse options. Neglect or poverty.

My kids are grown up now, and they are brilliant. They have got a great work ethic, they don't take money for granted, and they don't seem to have suffered.

I was envious of parents who got other choices at the time, but actually my conscientiousness about work has rubbed off on them, so I think they have benefitted from that. If they had a mum that worked part time and was always there, maybe they would think that was necessary and would put their careers on pause when they had kids. Like my poor sister who is a part-time teacher. Her husband abandoned them and now she is financially shafted while he has taken his primary earning career, pension, and half the house equity with him. She has to put up with constant digs from the kids who have absorbed the propaganda from him and his new woman, a childless affair partner. Their narrative is that because my sister selfishly and lazily works only 4 days, she can't properly provide for them. Yes, he's a tosser, but it gives a flavour of the risks women take.

No. We were both flat out, equally exhausted, equally pitching in.

It was the letters coming home and the societal expectations that were on me.

No pressure was felt by him, no guilt if he didn't do it. That's what the imbalance is.

They are five. They are probably fucking knackered.

Another update on our delightful day here! My kid came home today saying he was wearing someone else’s splash pants because I didn’t send spare trousers. UMmmmm NO. Early in the year I sent the full change of clothing, labelled, to go in his cubby at school. Nothing has been used or sent to wash. So if he sat in a puddle today he should have been given that to wear. Instead he wore his spare splash pants which he apparently didn’t know were his even though they were in his backpack.

And the teacher conveniently passed a bit of passive aggressive message to me, via him. The school is locked, so we can’t check the cubby. The regular lost and found we could check, it’s at the office, but my kid has to take a school bus even though there is a much closer school. Plus the kindergarten lost and found is in the locked kindergarten instead of going to the office. So if the teacher is mad about what I send or the homework we don’t do, can she please make sure his clothes come home?

I’ll ask DH to email her because she and society put all the pressure on mums and I feel like a failure and want to cry when I deal with all of this.

This 100%. Parents lose respect for schooling and that attitude very much trickles into school through their child's behaviour. Schools are on their knees.

No pencil case required at my children's primary at all. My eldest didn't need one until year 6 at secondary. Saves things being lost. And indoor shoes is bonkers.

your comments are quite confusing as a matter of fact. I too was a single parent for a while.
You said you don’t iron and yet have picked up on my post in which I commented on another poster who had ironing to do which prevented her from homework and yet you’ve just agreed with me that you do the same?? Very odd CP30 🤣

I give out a canvas bag with 3 nice books to read weekly to my class. Parent yesterday proudly announcing that she doesn't read books at home with her kids. So she doesn't want the book bags sent home any more..the end..Her child requires soo much input at school I spend significant amounts of supporting her child daily with a wide range of challenges. Its so frustrating! Wouldn't you just pretend to read the books at the least ? I would never know either way. Child is 4 and actually really enjoys reading!.

Hmmm we have one that ‘doesn’t agree with reading at home’ . Well good luck with that !

But the OP can't do this ? This is set out by the school SLT/local council/ MAT policies and the department of education..

If you're really unsure you could ask the teacher for some guidance. They'll be happy to help.

Children need to practice and consolidate what they have learned. Spaces practice. Retrieval practice. All of this helps to ensure they have a full understanding of the work.

If you don't feel qualified to listen to them read, perhaps have a look online. There's lots of information about phonics, if that's the stage they are at. If they do the Oxford reading books, there are guides questions at the end. That should help frame your discussions.

*spaced and guided...thick fingers 🤣

@Havinganamechange

I also work full time and have work to do in the evenings as I'm a primary school teacher.

My children also have multiple clubs and I volunteer once a week. You mentioned cleaning and ironing. My house comes after my children. Obviously basic cleaning and washing happens but the other things are the things that go not reading or homework. I don't want to look back and wished I'd helped them more in favour of ironing! When I'm tired at night I tell myself it's not my child's fault I work and they deserve me to help them.

@1AngelicFruitCake wow talk about trying to parent shame!

My child has a diagnosis which impacts them significantly. They gets every bit of my free time to support their regulation and development. They simply do not like reading but we do other things instead to encourage language development. The reality is it’s a long day for young kids and homework is not helpful and puts additional pressure on them. My child can’t last out and passes out early in bed. I’m not sacrificing their bath, dinner or playtime with me to do something that they hate.

Not necessarily. Our pta buys in bulk and sells full kit to parents for a fiver, as from year 3 they are expected to bring in ruler pencils sharpener highlighters, scissors, whiteboard pens, whiteboard eraser, rubber, green biros for correcting work, colouring pencils. Then they periodically do sales to top up lost/broken items. All children PP are given a free kit once a year and free pencils and pens after that. So every child has same kit apart from pencils cases.
It's teaches them responsibility, organisation skills (there are spot checks and they lose merits if don't have everything they need) and reduces burden on an overstretched school

You don't need to have gone to university to know how to sit and read with your own child.

My primary children don't do home work. One has autism and learning difficulties and gets extremely stressed. I'm not putting him through more stress over a bit of home work. In general terms I feel that children are at school 6 hours a day 5 days a week. They do enough. The balance between school and home life is a bit off .

I do sometimes forget PE/swim kit. It's easy done in the morning rush. with pe the child does it in their uniform. And swimming the child will join another class.

I agree we leave home 7.30am we are honest 4. 15 . Mine are in bed 8
15 . That's only 4 hours which is not long time dinner has been done , bath, chat about their day . And some free time. Plus life in general. Its not long at all.

Reading - no. Maths homework that came without explanation of terms nor examples asks for place value, skip counting, subtraction with regrouping, show using column counting... I have maths in my degree, but I have had to look up the terms to figure out WTF they want a year 1 to do so that I can go through it with DS. Then stretch questions but they simplify the wording to make it shorter, and it makea it hard to understand what they want. This is before we start on Year 2 reading comprehension questions with 2 possible responses (and he just gets a tick, so who knows if the other was right as well??). Teachers have a new language since I was at school, and can fail to explain themselves! I completely see why someone with English as a second language, or lower education level, or who has a lot less time would just be baffled and give up.

(In fairness, we switched school and the new school do give examples or explanation, so not every teacher is the same!)