How are women supposed to survive this?

[VivienneBL]

I’m 42 and a single mother to two children aged 15 and 11 . I have a lovely extended family but very little day-to-day help .
I’m definitely having perimenopause symptoms which are really hard like fatigue, unwanted facial hair, my actual hair has gone berserk . I can’t lose wait no matter what I do and I’m going through major bouts of insomnia. All of this is affecting my work - I run a small creative agency in London. I feel totally mashed all the time . The worst bit though is I feel like I’m losing my mind. I get paranoid, anxious and emotional, and my resilience to stress is really low.
I had a fairly rough childhood ( alcoholic mum) and my ex husband is very nasty - incredibly wealthy but offers zero help either financially or practically, and puts so much pressure on me and constantly causes issues with the kids . But aside from those two things I’ve always been totally happy, a coper and good at handling issues . Thesedays I feel like a shell of my former self . It’s just crept up on me and I’m so scared at how I’m changing .
The doctor has been useless and I really don’t know where to turn. Women friends are amazing and some are on HRT but I’m a little worried about that.
Has anyone been through the same or had experiences of the same? Am I going crazy or is this to be expected? What is the best way to get through this?

I am 10 years older but felt similar to you. Went to GP about possible HRT and they suggested citalopram first - made a massive difference to me. Went since as I was feeling tired and had other symptoms that made me think either I was anaemic or my thyroxin needed reviewing. Doctor did full bloods - i was anaemic so was put on iron. Bloods also showed raised antibodies for being celiac.so that is now being looked into too. Worth going to the doctor to say how you feel and requesting full bloods.

Check out Dr Mary Claire Haver, she's an American ob/gyn, nutrition expert, specialising now in treating peri and menopausal women. She focuses on peer reviewed research and evidence based treatment. She produces very informative short videos that can easily be sent to your GP to facilitate informed discussion.

There's now extensive evidence that starting HRT early in perimenopause can reduce risks of certain cancers, heart disease and more. It can also help with weight regulation as cholesterol increases may also be linked to reducing estrogen levels rather than any dietary intake. However, diet can influence symptoms

It's generally recommended to increase protein and veg intake, no or little alcohol (it really messes with sleep) and include weight-bearing exercise to keep core muscles stronger, which reduces potential issues with osteoporosis.

Anecdotally, people in the support groups I'm in recommend collagen supplements for symptom improvement and steroid cream (not gel, as this is usually alcohol based and drying) for the itchy ears, which seem to be an almost universal issue that's rarely mentioned.

Dr Louise Newsome is a menopause specialist in the UK and also provides excellent resources. Well worth a look.

You should have blood tests to see whether you are going through the menopause. Blood is tested in laboratories, not in GP surgeries.

It is the publicity on TV at the moment which is discouraging women to seek advice. Suddenly all sorts of things are advertised on TV and companies are making huge profits from them. Some are useful, such as vaginal dryness, but the only organisation who is really winning is the NHS, because women are being persuaded that they have to treat their own menopausal symptoms, and that really isn't fair.

You should be having your blood tested for oestrogen level, because a low oestrogen level may indicate osteoporosis. You would be wise to have thyroid blood tests to rule out over active or under active thyroid. A sign of underactive thyroid is putting on weight, slowing down almost to a stop. It is a very serious condition. Did you know that depression is a symptom of an underactive thyroid gland? When the thyroid is overactive, your body is the opposite. You lose weight, and get incredibly thin over a fairly short time, and you have bulging eyes. That condition is so easily recognised.

If you have to wait for NHS blood and bone tests, go privately, because it is your health and it must come first.

A bone density test would also show whether you need oestrogen HRT because if that is at the bottom, or almost at the bottom of the scale, you really do need replacement hormone treatment. Your bones will get thinner and break, your height is reduced and arthritis will be difficult to treat, especially if you ever need hip replacement.

I had bowel surgery when quite young, which did not heal and I ended up having my womb, cervix, both ovaries and fallopian tubes removed to save my life. I had three young children then as well. I didn't get hormone replacement at that time, but when I started falling asleep at work and had to be woken up at my desk, my GP sent blood to the lab. and it came back so low my oestrogen level was very low. My GP immediately put me on Premarin. I asked if it was safe to take, and he said ''In your case it is. It is replacing what you haven't got.''.

I cost the NHS a fortune now, because I also had thyroid disease, and all my meds are free.

Please please see another doctor and chat through HRT options. It can truly give you your life back! There are so many to try. You don’t have to settle for being at the mercy of your hormones for the next 10-15 years!!!

Call your Dr’s surgery and ask to speak to the best Dr for menopause advice, not all Dr’s are knowledgeable unfortunately and can give outdated or just poor advice.
My Dr prescribed HRT but also did a blood test to check my thyroid, B12, Vit D etc.

I had to try a few different combinations and doses to get it right but I’m so glad I’m on it.

its definitely worth a chat with someone with menopause knowledge. You could also ask for a referral to the specialist menopause clinic, not sure what the waiting time in your area is, but mine is 12 months +. If you can afford to, I’d pay to see someone, but make sure your Dr will continue to prescribe what any private consultation suggests, else it can get very costly.

HRT isn’t for everyone. I bought a herbal supplement called Menopace for peri-menopause and menopause. It certainly helped me.

I can completely empathise and understand. I’ve been through something very similar (I’m 43 but symptoms started at 39) with a now 16 and 18 year old.

I finally last year went on HRT, had therapy to deal with childhood issues around an alcoholic parent and started strength training with a fab PT all were game changers.

I would also get your Vitamin B12 checked if you haven’t already. My hair was shredding constantly, massive fatigue, muscle weakness, slipped a disc in my back and it turned out that I’d got a B12 deficiency (caused by chronic stress).

Sending so much strength because it’s so hard and I’ve felt exactly the same as you.

I hope some of the above helps and you feel better soon

Laughing at the idea that every GP practice has a "menopause specialist". Mine certainly doesn't - large suburban practice, 7-8 GPs, associated nurses, phlebotomists etc etc. They have a continence clinic, travel vax clinic, child health clinic, diabetes clinic, asthma clinic. Not one single GP with any declared interest or special training in menopause. Referral to the specialist menopause clinic at the hospital is at least an 18 month wait, and you will only get a referral if you have complicating factors such as a family history of cancer or similar.

Private clinics like Newson only exist because so many of us have found the NHS service so utterly shit and have to find our own way through.

I would suggest you really dig into what’s worrying you about HRT. If you can take it, it can be life changing in it’s positive impact. It has been for me.

Your GP practice may have a Dr who specialises in women’s health, or you may need to pay for a private consultation, but do get some specialist advice before ruling HRT out. There’s a lot of misinformation out there.

Also get bloods done to rule out other issues. Magnesium supplements , Vitamin D, exercise, and diet changes can all help too.

Thank you . Glad to hear you’re coming out the other side . It’s unreal what we have to go through . Sounds like you’re smashing it now x

HRT and sertraline for me. Wish I’d done it sooner!

I would say you need to revisit your GP, perhaps asking to see a different, maybe female one. Ask to have a full bloods check done for hormones, anaemia etc and consider HRT again. You must advocate for yourself here, it is so important. I also feel for you with regard to what you say about your childhood and your ex-partner. I had a bullying, narcissistic mother and this reflected in my future relationships, where I chose equally self-absorbed men who made me deeply unhappy. Can you access any counselling for this, because I know from experience that it leaves lasting wounds?
A lot of union memberships, insurance policies have a free legal helpline included. I would call one and get advice about your legal and financial position, with regard to your ex, because it sounds like he is highly manipulative and should be paying more and is possibly even quite abusive.
I sympathise on the facial hair front too! All I can suggest is getting it waxed or threaded, or lasered/electrolysis. Find a Restorative Yoga class, it is brilliant for self -soothing. Focus on your positive relationships, your kids, the decent bits of your family and your friends. I see myself in you and I really feel for you and wish you well. Please do update us xxx

What a nightmare. Can you see a different gp often there is one who has an interest in women’s health. Do blood tests indicate peri menopause? I ask because I was convinced I was peri menopausal at 43 ( I actually did not have it until I was late fifties) but luckily my gp was thorough, it was something potentially worse, it is important with the symptoms you have to have a full health check. If there are no other health conditions and you are always n peri menopause the gp can talk you through various options. Your symptoms are horrible, you need targeted help that is appropriate for you, that may or may not be what other women advise. Hoping you get the help you need

Definitely hrt, magnesium, cold water dipping, walks and meditation

HRT is great, that and overhauling your eating and exercise. It's taken a few months to get it right but I am sleeping again and feel way less "mad!"

There are so many posters on this thread that take and recommend HRT that it is beginning to point to a realisation that the government has been trying to save money and encouraging us to seek other ways of dealing with our lack of oestrogen.

The ads on TV appeared almost suddenly. Before we knew it, there were products promising women a clear round if they took whatever it is they are flogging. I know that HRT is probably costing the NHS enough to make women fear it by putting out so many warnings.

Would they deny insulin to a diabetic who needs it? It stops people with that disease getting sick. Would they deny thyroxine to someone whose body has stopped producing it? Of course not, so why deny women hormone replacement when their bodies have stopped producing oestrogen.

If you have private blood tests and bone density, you can take the results to your GP and he/she would have to do something about it.

I would go further. There are private GPs who hold surgeries near many workplaces, especially in cities. You may be able to find one whose special interest is in the health of middle age women.

I say that rather than menopausal, because there are so many serious conditions with similar symptoms to menopause. Those that are not confined to women are treated in men.

I remember when my DM had an overactive thyroid. I saw it immediately and told her if she didn't go to the doctor I would, and tell him what I suspected. She rang me a few days later and accused me of telling the doctor about her. I said I didn't but the doctor could see that as soon as you walked in the room. She was about menopause age then. She had her thyroid gland removed completely and was given thyroxine at the correct dose.

That is only one example. The fact that certain cancers can also mimic the menopause symptoms should make women visit a GP for tests.

In the 21st century, no one should have to beg for medical treatment.

Definitely HRT. Also ask for your thyroid to be checked.
Try avoiding caffeine for a while.

magnesium can interrupt the absorption of thyroxine tablets if taken to close together - apparently. so take in the evening im told

As a breast cancer survivor, I don’t think it’s in any way stupid. I’ve had two friends die of heart disease in their 50s because they had radiotherapy on the left breasts, near their hearts.

Wait until you get vaginal & clitoral atrophy thrown in the mix .
Edited to add prolapse as well !

Myself and most of my female friends of a similar age all seem to all have underactive thyroids and are on levothyroxine- the underactive thyroid makes you feel very tired. I’m also now on HRT and magnesium and vitamin D (the last two with advice from a health food shop) and I do think my energy levels are better and am sleeping wonderfully well again.

You’re absolutely not going crazy. Everything you’re describing—fatigue, insomnia, anxiety, emotional ups and downs, feeling like a shell of yourself—is so common in perimenopause. It’s brutal, and it can feel like it’s stealing who you are. On top of that, you’re juggling so much as a single mum, running a business, and dealing with an ex who’s making things harder instead of easier. No wonder you feel mashed all the time.

Perimenopause can be a total storm of symptoms, and it hits even harder when you’re already carrying a lot emotionally and mentally. The hormonal shifts can mess with your resilience, your sleep, and your sense of self in ways that are hard to explain unless you’ve been through it. And unfortunately, many doctors are still shockingly unhelpful when it comes to this stage of life.

HRT is definitely worth looking into, even if you’re unsure. A lot of women find that it transforms how they feel, bringing back energy, balance, and even making weight loss more manageable. There are also non-HRT options, like lifestyle changes, supplements, and targeted therapy, but the key is finding a practitioner who actually listens and understands perimenopause properly—there are good menopause specialists out there.

Another symptom of hypothyroidism is depression.

There must be many people on anti depressants instead of thyroxine.

My GP thought my thyroid was not acting. He kept sending blood to the lab and it came back NAD time and again. In the end he referred me to another hospital who did another blood test and found my thyroid was very much underactive.

It isn't surprising. See how many laboratories there are for blood testing, compared with the number of GP surgeries it serves.

Did you ever use birth control pills? Another option, especially in your early forties, is to go on a low-dose oral contraceptive, aka the Pill. Evens things out.