How are women supposed to survive this?

[VivienneBL]

I’m 42 and a single mother to two children aged 15 and 11 . I have a lovely extended family but very little day-to-day help .
I’m definitely having perimenopause symptoms which are really hard like fatigue, unwanted facial hair, my actual hair has gone berserk . I can’t lose wait no matter what I do and I’m going through major bouts of insomnia. All of this is affecting my work - I run a small creative agency in London. I feel totally mashed all the time . The worst bit though is I feel like I’m losing my mind. I get paranoid, anxious and emotional, and my resilience to stress is really low.
I had a fairly rough childhood ( alcoholic mum) and my ex husband is very nasty - incredibly wealthy but offers zero help either financially or practically, and puts so much pressure on me and constantly causes issues with the kids . But aside from those two things I’ve always been totally happy, a coper and good at handling issues . Thesedays I feel like a shell of my former self . It’s just crept up on me and I’m so scared at how I’m changing .
The doctor has been useless and I really don’t know where to turn. Women friends are amazing and some are on HRT but I’m a little worried about that.
Has anyone been through the same or had experiences of the same? Am I going crazy or is this to be expected? What is the best way to get through this?

HRT (Newson clinic will help you) and a course of therapy OP.

It doesn't mean menopause - mine was very early perimenopause (still have regular periods).

I wouldn't tout HRT as a miracle cure but I'm a bit bemused by this statement: People who don’t know better are happy to risk the cancers involved

Particularly coming after comments about people not having read the research.

I've read the research. The very very small increased cancer risk (for me) is a decision I'm very happy to have taken. I didn't take it because "I don't know better". It's an odd thing to say. I have a very close friend who would ove to take HRT, but she has also read the research and because of her specific situation, the increased risk is NOT very small, and therefore she does not take it.

I could have written this post. Similar situations lone parent, no help available from family. My symptoms have really scared me, mainly because I have no idea who this person is, worried, anxious, can't eat, can't sleep and completely over parenting, it's sometimes like being a passenger in my own body. I tried HRT but it didn't help..... wish they had menopause groups like they did with substance abuse or something... at least we could suffer more together!!!

I’m equally bemused as to why you’re conflating your statement with mine. You’ve clearly absorbed the research, applied it to your specific situation, and are prepared to tolerate the risks. You understand your friend does not. Why don’t you understand my exact same decision? Your comment smacks of men shouting about ‘Not All Men’ when we talk about rape or DV.

1 in 20 cancers in women are caused by obesity, 4% of breast cancers are caused by smoking, whereas HRT only modestly increases the risk of breast cancer in women over 50 who have been taking it for 5 years. It’s important to be factual when assessing risk.
HRT has also been shown to reduce your risk of developing coronary heart disease, heart attack and stroke, and promotes bone density therefore reducing the risk of osteoporosis. There are some studies that show that HRT also reduces the risk of diseases that cause dementia, and given that 61% of dementia cases are women that has to be a good thing.

For me, the benefits far outweigh the potential risks, when you look at it factually.

’For you’ is the factual part. Doctors won’t prescribe it if you have a history of breast cancer or a high family incidence. Strokes are high in my family as well so an additional complication. I also object to it on environmental grounds as the incidence of strong artificial hormones going down the toilet every day damages anything in its path that drinks water. But as I’ve said multiple times, everyone makes their own decision. It’s clearly a sensitive issue as I’m getting several people ignoring what I’m saying, repeating my argument and posting in defence of their decision. We’re all women trying to get by. I just have a different definition of ‘survive’ than a lot of lucky people.

But YOU were the one who said "people who don't know better are happy to risk the cancers involved". Which suggests that you think if people did know better, they would not take on this risk. This is why I, and I suspect others, are finding your statements a bit frustrating. You are right that women with a history of breast cancer are not usually recommended it, although that is also decreasing now with careful monitoring. But that's because the risks for group A are different to the risks for group B. It's not a blanket risk.

You are also referring to "artificial hormones" which suggests that you haven't read the research. Most HRT these days is NOT artificial. I mean, fair enough if you're worried about inflated amounts of hormones in the water system - I haven't got a clue if that's a thing although it certainly doesn't feel like it to me as my hormones are absorned into my blood stream, not washed down the drain, but maybe I'm missing something and if there's an issue with this, I'd be interested i reading the research. But they're not "artificial".

There's risks with the pill both to health and the water supply or has that been debunked?

The water supply?!

Watch panorama on the newsom clinic before you go there.....

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/menopause/in-depth/hormone-therapy/ART-20046372

I’m not in anyway disagreeing with your choices, but you said ‘people who don’t know any better are happy to risk the cancers involved’. I have informed myself and researched it extensively before I decided to take it. The risks are tiny for me as I luckily have no history of any female cancer in my family. I also take bioidentical hormones, not synthetic.
Risk is a factor in our daily lives, 2-3 women per week in the UK are murdered by men that they know, compared to that the risk of HRT to women is incomparable.

Yes to this. HRT and no booze has helped a LOT.

Also @LadyBracknellsHandbagg , "HRT" isn't just one thing. Different combinations depending on your circumstances. I have had a hysterectomy so am just on oestrogen patches, no progesterone, and have been told these are "practically zero risk". Plus vaginal oestrogen for atrophy which is never going to get better on its own.

there are some women who look down on women using HRT as lesser, they ate better because they sailed through menopause with a bit of positive thinking and some yoga. Well bully for them. You'll be ripping my oestrogen patches off my corpse.

Exactly, I’m currently 8 weeks post hysterectomy so I’m still finding out what I need and trying to get the levels right.

I’m completely with you, as long as my dr says I can take it, I’m taking it, I cannot go back to how I was before!

Yes the stuff that comes out of a tap

Mirna I'd and estrogen patches. Risk is reduced with topical estrogen. Also sertrialine to keep my level. Have improved diet, started gentle exercise and things looking even better
Life is good and I have my get up and go again.

Hrt is life changing not just for symptoms but for cardiovascular protection. Go back to your go and get some x

Sorry if anyone has already asked this but:

my ex husband is very nasty - incredibly wealthy but offers zero help either financially or practically, and puts so much pressure on me and constantly causes issues with the kids

Why isn't he providing at least half financially? And if he isn't, why are you allowing him to still dominate yours and the kids lives?

@silvieBear

If you don't mind me asking, How did you go about booking a specialist appointment please?

Not sure if its perimenopause, I am 37. My periods are every 22 days. I have low abdoman pain/lower back pain, it doesn't stop me doing things but it's there. I thought it was a UTI, my pee had high white blood cells, but lab said no UTI. It's been going on for a few months, but I don't think GP is concerned, I felt a bit brushed off. I didn't realise I could book specialist appointments privately, do you have to be a private registered patient?

@DogHasAStick
I used the BUPA menopause plan
https://www.bupa.co.uk/health/payg/menopause-plan

(though I’m sure other options are available)
You don’t need be with BUPA for this, it’s a standalone service.

It’s a bit shit your GP isn’t concerned though, worth booking an appt with another one in your surgery?

Your doctor should be taking this more seriously. I would expect to be referred for a scan based on these symptoms - I had similar and had an ultrasound to check my uterus and ovaries. Please go back, see someone else and ask for your symptoms to be investigated.

It’s quite a long and boring story but we had a financial order in place which included spousal maintenance and child maintenance. The spousal element of the order only lasts a year and once that year lapsed he decided to no longer pay any of it . I don’t have the energy or money to take him to court again and he depletes and hides his assets anyway as he runs his own company . The CMS aren’t remotely interested in chasing him.
Ive worked hard to try and separate the financials from the boys having their Dad in their lives - they want to no matter what and I have to respect it - but he is very erratic and difficult with them if they don’t do as he asks, so they see him very little but still seem to want to keep the lines of communication open. Trust me if the 11 year old doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore then we won’t be going anywhere near him but also for now he still has parental responsibility.

We’ll firstly, in response to your comment that people here have been ignoring you, it’s been a beautiful, sunny day and I’ve been able to get outside to appreciate it. I chose that over a response to you sorry.

Secondly, my comment was factual and I responded because I didn’t agree with anything you said.

You are not ‘right to worry about HRT’.

You are right to weigh up the risks and benefits to yourself based on best available evidence and then to make an informed choice (although it can be a worry).

’The people on here touting it as a miracle cure clearly haven’t read the research’.

I don’t think GP’s are allowed to prescribe HRT to women without firstly supporting them to make informed choices.

’There are no magic medicines’

They are hormone replacements, but it does feel wonderful to feel a bit more complete again.

’You’d have to weigh up your chances of and response to cancer down the road’

You have to weigh up the risks and benefits before starting it. We are all entitled to make our own choices and if cancer is ‘down the road’ it could be due to many different factors.

’I wouldn’t take up smoking occasionally and I won’t take HRT’

No one is forcing you to.
The responses on this thread are just other women’s lived experiences.

‘Your comment seems like a knee jerk reaction’

(Thank God I decided to take HRT)