How are women supposed to survive this?

[VivienneBL]

I’m 42 and a single mother to two children aged 15 and 11 . I have a lovely extended family but very little day-to-day help .
I’m definitely having perimenopause symptoms which are really hard like fatigue, unwanted facial hair, my actual hair has gone berserk . I can’t lose wait no matter what I do and I’m going through major bouts of insomnia. All of this is affecting my work - I run a small creative agency in London. I feel totally mashed all the time . The worst bit though is I feel like I’m losing my mind. I get paranoid, anxious and emotional, and my resilience to stress is really low.
I had a fairly rough childhood ( alcoholic mum) and my ex husband is very nasty - incredibly wealthy but offers zero help either financially or practically, and puts so much pressure on me and constantly causes issues with the kids . But aside from those two things I’ve always been totally happy, a coper and good at handling issues . Thesedays I feel like a shell of my former self . It’s just crept up on me and I’m so scared at how I’m changing .
The doctor has been useless and I really don’t know where to turn. Women friends are amazing and some are on HRT but I’m a little worried about that.
Has anyone been through the same or had experiences of the same? Am I going crazy or is this to be expected? What is the best way to get through this?

HRT, magnesium (I use a magnesium and lavender rub on my feet) for sleep, no alcohol. Still feel only halfway human but it’s an improvement.

What's worrying you about the HRT @VivienneBL ?

HRT.

Life changing.

What @Miloarmadillo2 says. Not sure why HRT is a concern for you but it helped me feel sane again.

why does ex not contribute financially?
I wish you well you are doing a great job by the sound of things.

💐

Ask to speak to a menopause specialist ar your GP's. It really can be life changing.

Please try to get hrt.

Hrt. All day long. Definitely including testosterone based on what you've described.

HRT has been an absolute game changer for me, I'm sleeping better, I no longer feel like I'm losing my mind, my periods are more regular and I have energy again. I would definitely look into it as an option if I were you.

Please try and get a second opinion, see another GP at your surgery or change surgeries. there could be other reasons for your symptoms and please do not think that I am trying to minimise in any way. My Mum sailed through menopause and I wrongly presumed that I would be the same. At 53 it was pretty rubbish, I did not take HRT due to my medical history. As with you, I consider myself to be strong and a coper, but it knocked me for six. I am now just over 3 years post menopause, I still get hot flushes and insomia, although I have never slept well and have anxiety which is more controlled than it was (without medication). Reading about your husband and your history I would kindly consider some therapy. The one positive I have gained from menopause is strength and not giving a doodah aka saying and seeing it how it is.

I'm not saying it's not peri but have you had your iron levels checked? Low ferritin made me feel anxious and interrupted my sleep as well as making me generally knackered.

If your periods are getting heavier then the two may be linked.

High strength iron tablets improved things rapidly.

This is a link to HRT info my GP's HRT Nurse Specialist sent me when I had questions. https://rockmymenopause.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/RMM_HRT-in-a-nutshell.pdf

Honestly, I put it off for years. I've been taking it for about a month and it has already made things a lot better. I'm more tolerant and I sleep without any hot flushes all night until my alarm. Please persist, you don't have to feel this way.

Also have B12 levels checked.

And tyroid.

Did your GP confirm it's peri-menopause? It's possible, but you're on the young side, and you don't want to miss other possible causes.

Your GP probably won't consider you for HRT unless they've ruled out other causes, so just tell them you're feeling dreadful and permanently wiped and ask for bloods. If everything else is fine then you can ask to try HRT.

Be kind to yourself OP.

I'd get a second opinion from a different GP. As others have said, ask for full bloods, iron levels, B12 etc.

You deserve help. Keep going xx

I started peri at around 36 with all the symptoms you describe so it can happen even when you are on the young side.

It’s utterly shit that no one warns you how it can drive a tank through your life & leave you a wreck.

Things that helped me were diet, no caffeine, & exercise but since I started HRT the difference is night and day. It’s like a reset. Because I struggled for so long without HRT - mostly through ignorance from both me and GP due to my age - I did burn out so I’m not totally back to where I was but without HRT I would be a wreck.

People talk a lot of rot about menopause being natural and how it’s almost cheating or being anti woman to use HRT but cancer also used to be considered a natural process that you just saw through to the end until we had the tools to treat it.

If you don’t have a clued up GP, there may be a meno clinic in your health trust you can be referred to.

I don't know about peri meni stuff.

What you manage alone is enough. The constant stress of twatty people and what they will say and do or won't say and do is really something to contend with. If you're on the receiving end for a long time after a life of neglect, well it's understandable things might get tough at some point. You aren't a machine.

How I wish you could somehow compel the ex for appropriate financial support, but I know how tricky this can be. There's light coming with greater independence as your kids grow. I hope you get some better ideas ref the peri meni from the health services.

some are on HRT but I’m a little worried about that.

Why on Earth are you worried about it?

There are so many threads like these where the woman is on her knees yet won’t even try HRT - the gold standard treatment for symptoms of perimenopause.

There are no prizes for being miserable you know.

I suffered with all your symptoms op for far too many years. I’m now on HRT patches and I wish I’d done it earlier, I’m so much happier and calmer.

I'm with you here and have to say I'm totally confused. I'm just coming up to 42 and think perimenopause may have started. In the last 12-15 months my periods have gone from super regular every 28 days to anything from 23-35 ish so still regular ish but different for me. Teamed with really dry skin that I've never had, insomnia (again, never had this) - it's actually more waking at anything from 2.30-4am, some facial hair issues (slight and I'm fair luckily) and so much fatigue. Never ever napped in my life and now I feel almost a real deep need to sleep in the day. I'm so uneducated re menopause / peri though. I didn't think you were prescribed HRT until menopause was certain? Gosh I really need to get clued up.

Sounds like typical perimenopause symptoms.

I got through it without HRT via swimming and yoga. But worth considering HRT, as I believe it helps many women.

I’ve found it great on the other side. But again, everyone’s experience is different.

Another one here who suffered pointlessly for too long through being worried about HRT. It made a tremendous difference when I did take it. I’ve never fully got rid of brain fog though. I would advise watching the Davina McCall programmes. There was something about some new research that looks like for some women there is damage that is irreversible and the sooner you start HRT the better. It may be nonsense of course but I so wish I had taken HRT straight away. My GP was lovely and said I could have HRT if I wanted but he preferred to try other things first and having been told at the birth control clinic earlier in my life that hormonal contraceptives were not good for migraine sufferers and HRT would be the same I just went along with it. Came away with fluoxetine and zopiclone! Seems unbelievable now. If only I had been young enough to benefit from Davina’s experiences…,

As others have said please rule out anything else before assuming peri menopause.

Here I'd have to pay for a specialist because my GP wouldn't know. But if you're in a large surgery have a quiet word with an older receptionist who may well know who's good in this field.

Do you buy this rub ready-made? Link please, if so!