How are women supposed to survive this?

[VivienneBL]

I’m 42 and a single mother to two children aged 15 and 11 . I have a lovely extended family but very little day-to-day help .
I’m definitely having perimenopause symptoms which are really hard like fatigue, unwanted facial hair, my actual hair has gone berserk . I can’t lose wait no matter what I do and I’m going through major bouts of insomnia. All of this is affecting my work - I run a small creative agency in London. I feel totally mashed all the time . The worst bit though is I feel like I’m losing my mind. I get paranoid, anxious and emotional, and my resilience to stress is really low.
I had a fairly rough childhood ( alcoholic mum) and my ex husband is very nasty - incredibly wealthy but offers zero help either financially or practically, and puts so much pressure on me and constantly causes issues with the kids . But aside from those two things I’ve always been totally happy, a coper and good at handling issues . Thesedays I feel like a shell of my former self . It’s just crept up on me and I’m so scared at how I’m changing .
The doctor has been useless and I really don’t know where to turn. Women friends are amazing and some are on HRT but I’m a little worried about that.
Has anyone been through the same or had experiences of the same? Am I going crazy or is this to be expected? What is the best way to get through this?

I still don't get why people are worried about HRT. I can't wait to get on it.

You're too young to remember the big scare.

Ironically hrt has improved but they're still abiding by the rules set out a generation ago.

Oh God that sounds bloody horrible 😫 Makes me want to go on HRT right now!

Magnesium twice a day and a grounding sheet to sleep on really helped me.

Perimenopause turned me into someone I don’t even recognise when I looked back. Turned my life into a train wreck for a period of time. HRT saved my life, literally.

I’m sorry for what you are going through OP but it sounds just like me. I thought it was depression but maybe I’m menopausal too. Symptoms have got so bad I’m being sacked on Monday.

Perimenopause turned me into someone I didn’t recognise. Looking back, it started in my early 40s, but last year I finally sought help in my mid 40s when my cycles suddenly became so awful that I was worried about leaving the house.

The GP I saw said it was peri menopause and put me straight on HRT to regulate my cycles as well as organising a blood test, which showed I was very low in ferritin due to the cycles I’d been having. I’d not been sleeping properly for months; I’d wake up around 2/3am and not be able to get back to sleep. Within a couple of days of starting the HRT gel I was sleeping straight through the night! If I do wake for any reason now I can get straight back to sleep - it’s been life changing! My cycles have been regulated, sweating has stopped.

The GP gave me all the figures and said it would be great for protecting my bones and heart too.

I’d tried non HRT supplements like ashwagandha and they’d done nothing for me. I already don’t drink alcohol, eat healthily and exercise daily, and this has been for case for many years. I find it slightly depressing when people say how life changing these are - I dread to think what I’d be like if I did drink, eat unhealthily and didn’t exercise!

Great if you can get through it without symptoms but there’s no need to suffer if you do have them. Looking back at my mum and issues she has had over the years I’ve realised many of hers were peri/ menopause related, and that HRT would likely have been life changing for her in many respects if she’d been offered it.

Oh my gosh I’m so sorry to hear that. All the replies I’ve had show that I’m sure this is just the tip of the iceberg of what women go through. Can you speak to HR or is it too late? You can’t sack someone for mental health or menopausal issues . I hope you have some support x

All the replies I’ve had show that I’m sure this is just the tip of the iceberg of what women go through.

What some women go through - around 25% of women. Another 25% sail through perimenopause and menopause. And around 50% have some symptoms but don't view them as debilitating.

I started a new job after 9 months off my previous job with MH issues. I made my manager and their deputy aware of this when I started. HR a little later. Last week I made HR aware that I am considered disabled under the 2010 disability at work act. I’m not sure she understood the significance. She just said we have no occupational health (we are a small company). I know I can do the job if my MH is doing OK. My MH is not OK and having this hanging over me for the last month has made it worse. I currently have bad stomach pains, worsened reflux, I haven’t slept since Tuesday and I feel sick. I don’t have any support but I’m going to phone ACAS thanks to a suggestion.

sorry for hijacking your post OP.

I am so glad you have a GP who understands and ignores the stories that we are not ill, that it is a perfectly normal thing and we just have to put up with it.

There was an announcement - not sure exactly when - that there was a shortage of HRT. Why, they didn't say. Then the news programmes were telling us we didn't need it, that there were alternatives, and suddenly all the ads on TV were for products that would make all our symptoms of lack of oestrogen disappear. I think it has something to do with the cost of drugs to the NHS.

Looking back, I remember when a woman was missing, and the police put out information that she was suffering the menopause and it was affecting her badly. I was shocked. I posted elsewhere that next time a man goes missing to look for one with erectile problems!

It is a shocking way to treat middle age women. Diabetics have insulin to replace what the body isn't producing and there are other incidences right across the board, and those people are not told to go it alone, so why should we?

Oh how I wish that I was one of those people who sailed through it.

I've been suffering from perimenopause symptoms for about 5 years - the worst ones are awful period pains that are worse than I had before DC (and they were terrible), alongside anxiety and really painful gums that bleed awfully, in spite of meticulous oral health.

HRT probably would help, but I'm terrified of using any medication as I never know how I might react. I'm very sensitive to the side effects of any new medication as they might exacerbate symptoms of my drug induced neurological involuntary movement disorder.

So yeah, I love how horrible hormones are just getting me down most days 😫💔

This is so outrageous. I really hope you can get some advice because this all sounds really unfair x

some women do 'sail through' the menopause - what's frustrating is the lack of research into the enormous variation of women's experiences.

I heard a scientist talk about the role of the adrenal glands in producing a 'substitute' form of sex hormones in mid-life as nature's way of protecting women from the worst effects of menopause, and I thought that was interesting. Perhaps it's just that the 'lucky' women have adrenal glands with the ability to create and secrete adequate amounts of these substances?

Who knows, but i do get very annoyed when men, and women, tell women who are suffering badly that it's a 'natural' process. Nature isn't exactly a benevolent force and women get the rough end of its stick anyway.

Just to add @GlitteryRainbow, as you made your employer aware of your MH issues when you joined the organisation, your protection from dismissal for their refusal to accommodate reasonable adjustments for your disability is already in place. It doesn't matter if they don't have their own OH dept (not many do), but they can't sack you for any reason related to your protected disability, even in the first 2 years of employment. Please do speak to ACAS, and if you have a copy of any emails/text messages/forms proving you shared your MH diagnosis with your Manager, make copies and keep them somewhere safe (not on a work computer or email account). Best of luck, and please try not to let it bring you down further.

I can see someone else has mentioned iron… I had all the symptoms you’ve described and went to my GP. She said she suspected it wasn’t perimenopause because a) I had no hot flushes and b) still had regular (albeit ridiculously heavy) periods. I had my bloods checked and turned out I was quite dangerously anaemic (most likely from the 12 days of blood loss I was experiencing). I was prescribed iron tablets (& something to stem the flow of my period) and it has made such a huge difference. I have energy, focus, motivation and also sleep better. I still have my moments but I bounce back a lot quicker and seem to have more resilience both physically and mentally.

Yes - have you stressed to the doctor that your mental health is suffering and you’d like to discuss medication?

Take the HRT!

I had my all removed to save my life and I never had hot flushes, so perhaps when you are young you don't get them. I had to have HRT when I was falling asleep over my desk at work.