How are women supposed to survive this?

[VivienneBL]

I’m 42 and a single mother to two children aged 15 and 11 . I have a lovely extended family but very little day-to-day help .
I’m definitely having perimenopause symptoms which are really hard like fatigue, unwanted facial hair, my actual hair has gone berserk . I can’t lose wait no matter what I do and I’m going through major bouts of insomnia. All of this is affecting my work - I run a small creative agency in London. I feel totally mashed all the time . The worst bit though is I feel like I’m losing my mind. I get paranoid, anxious and emotional, and my resilience to stress is really low.
I had a fairly rough childhood ( alcoholic mum) and my ex husband is very nasty - incredibly wealthy but offers zero help either financially or practically, and puts so much pressure on me and constantly causes issues with the kids . But aside from those two things I’ve always been totally happy, a coper and good at handling issues . Thesedays I feel like a shell of my former self . It’s just crept up on me and I’m so scared at how I’m changing .
The doctor has been useless and I really don’t know where to turn. Women friends are amazing and some are on HRT but I’m a little worried about that.
Has anyone been through the same or had experiences of the same? Am I going crazy or is this to be expected? What is the best way to get through this?

Don’t be afraid of HRT, @VivienneBL. There’s a hangover of fear around the use of it that dates back to its earliest iteration in the 1980s, when it was linked with an increased risk of breast cancer. Nowadays it’s a a much less blunt instrument, and the protections it gives you against heart disease and osteoporosis are just two of the reasons menopausal women should be on it.

If you lose certain hormones that affect your health and wellbeing through any kind of illness or accident, you are given medication to replace them. This is no different. The fact it’s a natural process doesn’t make it any less devastating, and taking a remedy that helps restore your body’s natural balance is no different to taking insulin if you’re diabetic.

It really helped me and was borderline miraculous for some of my friends. My dad’s 83 year old partner loves it - she’s as fit as a flea and intends to stay on it for the rest of her life. Try it, it can really make a difference.

Why is there still such reluctance to prescribe HRT then?

Hrt. At your age it should be offered as a result of symptoms alone. Please don't suffer for no reason. Modern hrt is a very different beast, much safer and less sude effects.

Hrt and magnesium. The lack of sleep was a killer for me. Still not quite performing at 100% but much better. Magnesium has really helped my sleep.

What if you are like me, and risk possibly making the symptoms of another health condition worse? 😞

I have a medication induced neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia and things like oestrogen levels affects it (as oestrogen has an impact on how dopamine works i think).

So unfortunately I have no guarantee that HRT wouldn't make my movement disorder symptoms worse, even though technically I should try it, as perimenopause symptoms would improve.

God knows, I feel stuck sometimes. I've had perimenopause symptoms for nearly 5 years now but am too terrified to try HRT.

OP you need to see a different GP.

I was peri from around 40, periods stopped from around 45. I have been lucky to find a great GP who has spent a long time working with me to find something that works for me.

I can't take hrt, I would if I could, I have tried numerous times in the past but I'm progesterone intolerant. I now take magnesium, star flower oil, a good multi vitamin with vitamin D and have recently started on testosterone and folic acid prescribed. It's not perfect but I'm much better than I was. You don't have to suffer as you are when there is support you could be having.

People asking about magnesium, these are the products I use at bedtime.

Poor understanding of the contemporary evidence base.

And the underlying misogynistic belief that women should just endure a 'natural' process and/or are probably just making a bit of a silly fuss about nothing.

I felt like I was losing my mind too - it's very scary. 42 is on the young side for menopause but not unheard of.

And agree with everyone else, HRT is the thing which will make the most difference.

Absolutely.

Like how I was told aged about 14 that my excruciating period pain plus fainting and vomiting every month was 'normal'.

We have moved on from those attitudes now, surely!

Because there are a lot of GPs out there who are not up to date, dismissive of women's health in general and don't understand.

(Not going through my whole tale of woe but after a hysterectomy where I kept my ovaries it took 2 visits to the GP with "depression", and a third where I was told I was fine and to take folic acid before finally getting HRT)

HRT for sure. I went on it around 47 and am now 50 and feel completely normal. You need to get yourself in front of a GP and ask for it.

Firstly go to the doctor, let them give you some blood tests and a little health MOT. They should do this anyway before HRT- they have with a friend. She went to see them as she has bought the fat loss jabs mounjaro etc (not sure which one) and wanted HRT. She’s hoping to lose weight and feel better about herself. She’s eating better and taking a few walks. I’m trying to encourage her on walks, even in the rain lol Small steps.

Have a good look at your diet and health and exercise. May need to make some changes.
HRT if you can- not everyone is suitable. My aunt couldn’t take it, she tried but had painful breast lumps /cysts all which needed a biopsy. It wasn’t worth it. But she feels it helped for the time she took it.

Self care? get your hair and nails done and maybe buy some new clothes? Or get some nice oils/creams for your face and body, some new make up, a new perfume? New undies- whatever makes you feel good.
Remember there’s no magic wand it all takes time.

Divorce sounds like a good idea, I’d at least see a solicitor in your shoes as your husband sounds like a big shit of a man! I hope you have real life support.

Have you had a blood test ? Have you had a blood test which has checked your thyroid levels? If so what are the results?

Go and have a look at the classic symptoms for hypothyroidism https://thyroiduk.org

its often said thyroid issues are mistaken for menopause as they have very similar symptoms

Fatigue
Unwanted hair
Can't lose weight
Insomnia
Anxiety

and a few more

Co-parenting with a nasty ex gives you an underlying anxiety 24/7 in my experience. Even without all the rest of it.

This. Please try all these things plus reduce/remove sugar. Also, please don't believe the lies about HRT, it's actually very protective in major areas such as heart health, bone strength etc. If your GP won't prescribe it, get a new GP. Demand your hormones back!

Don’t be afraid of antidepressants either. I am on Sertraline and HRT and for the first time in many years (I’m in my mid-fifties), my world is in colour again.
i was initially told that I couldn’t use HRT due to a blood disorder, but research has now proven this is likely to have little impact on the risk of blood clots. My surgery now has a female health specialist as well and she was happy to prescribe and monitor.

If you visit North America or some European countries you can pick up a combined melatonin and magnesium. I only use it when absolutely necessary but it is a wonder drug for sleep.

@user7894320974 It was nothing to do with it being tablets as there are women using tablet form for years. HRT doesn't harm the liver but tablet form can change lipids and is a higher risk for blood clots in older women ( 60+).

It was a figure plucked out of nowhere on the basis if using it 'for the shortest time' - and the belief that most women wouldn't need it longer than 5 years (which is untrue.)

Hi OP, I’d do a full check up at your GP, including blood tests for starters. Also, do you exercise? Running, Pilates, weight training have helped me massively. I’ve also changed my diet to include lots of veg, nuts and proteins, cut out sugar and I now drink more water and fewer cups of tea. I also take supplements including magnesium (for sleep), vitamin d, and turmeric (for joints). I went from thinking I needed HRT to not even thinking about it any more. I’m 47.

@EllaView It's just that ADs are not recommended by NICE and there is evidence they don't work for hormone-deficiency symptoms. NICE said 10 years ago that they should not be prescribed for anxiety/ mood etc related to menopause.

i hear you sister!
HRT is your best friend.

i cant have it as I had breast cancer - oestrogenes based - so I evangelical about it.
you dont have to suffer the hot flushes, the sweats, the weight gain, the emotions, the high and low that leaves you feeling you re bipolar… if you dont have to.

and then hang in there. It shall pass. I m at the end. And if you re GP is not supportive DO find another one.

and remember there is a all sisterhood that is right there with you 😘

Google ‘Am I crazy? Or is it perimenopause?’, it’s a podcast that talks about just this

Cornish Seaweed Company shampoo and conditioner sorted out my menopausal hair loss and other hair related problems. It doesn’t lather up for the first couple of weeks as your scalp gets rid of the chemical residue from other products…but then amazing things happen. My hair has returned to how it was when I was in my 20s. It works out not to costly if you get the 3 for 2 deals. Intermittently using Kitsch rice water shampoo and conditioner for a ‘re-set’ really helps too.

Hrt all the way!
I resisted but I ended up no functioning,not sleeping properly, has no interest in my hobbies but the final straw was making a really bad mistake at work where I knew better. That was my wake up call. I explained all this to my GP who said that we will try different things to see what works best. I have a good quality of life again.

I think I am out the other side of it. I don't know as I have a Mirena coil which basically saved my sanity.

Based on what you have said I would advise;

Treat the Menopause like you have been hit by a car. You need to recuperate, work through the rehabilitation and take time for you to heal and get back on your feet for both yourself and to be there for your DC. Get them on board to help. Take it on like a project.

I'd go to the GP, and if you are not too sure about HRT, then ask for a Mirena coil. It basically is a contraception which shuts down your menstrual cycle. I got one 6 years ago in the midst of terrible peri symptoms and a week later I was a new person.

What is your hair doing? I have a keratin treatment every 3 months (do it myself) and a cut and colour 2 weeks after this and my hair is smooth and silky.

Facial hair. If you can afford it, buy a Philips Lumea and zap your facial hair and other hairy bits. Any stubborn hairs you need to go to a beauty salon and get them zapped with electrolysis.

If you get a coil or HRT and you start to feel better then you should look to do as much exercise as possible as this will really help with the symptoms both physical and mental. Also look at some holistic treatments like acupuncture, reflexology, anything that nurtures you.