My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

Why is it a problem that she wants to feel equal? Or do you agree she should feel equal but disagree on how to achieve that?

I get that you can't do anything about the fact your daughter actually lives with her siblings but I can see how it would make your stepdaughter feel left out. I think it's probably a good thing to have some strategies to even that out? Although they should be coming from her dad really as the parent of all of them rather than her mum.

Your post is a little garbled but are you saying your stepdaughter wants her bio half-siblings to treat her the same as they treat their other bio half-siblings (your daughter)?

Why would she need to ‘negotiate’ time with her half siblings?

His other daughter is absolutely equal to the child he’s had with you. Both are genetically his. I also don’t see him taking both his children to his DM as a problem either tbh, it’s nice for them to have a bond with their father and each other. When I was working DH took our DC five hours away to stay with his aunt, I’m not seeing any difference just because one child isn’t yours tbh. DS was 18 months at the time so I don’t think 3 is too young. He’s her father!

Your post is very difficult to understand. But your disregard for your stepdaughter is clear.

I will give you a benefit of doubt because you are breastfeeding, and possibly still hormonal.

However, a little compassion on your side can't be wrong. It seems you don't like your step-D? Why the snarky comment about her "presenting older"? Why does it matter?
Can you not see that it is difficult for the SD?

What is the issue with your H visiting his parents with the 3yo? Why not let them have the bonding time? Why are you threatened by it?

You will have your 13yo at home. And surely you can take care of the baby on your own. It is your 3rd child - not like you are a new and anxious mom...

I genuinely don't get your issue? Step DD wants to holiday with her half sister, who gets to live with a different half sister all the time. Isn't that lovely? You are a blended family now. Why the objection?

I am sorry if I am garbled but I am upset.

of course they are equal, absolutely but they obviously live with my daughter. My stepdaughter does not want my daughter present when she is there. She feels that my daughter gets in the way of her relationship with the others.

Why are you raging about this?

Are you wanting to go too ?

Sorry crossed posts..

I think it's only a few days. I don't get why you are 'raging and crying'. Isn't it nice for her to want to bond?

We are not ‘blended’ Step-daughter doesn’t want to blend. I think we should go on holiday as a family.

My in-laws, while pleasant show no interest in my daughter.

My stepdaughter is lovely and talented . My daughter and I would like nothing more to be ‘blended’. It is if we are two separate families.

I can understand that she wants some alone time with her dad / siblings. I’m sure it’s reallh tough as she will feel replaced by your daughter within her new family. It’s actually better to have strategies rather than just turning into a stroppy nightmare as can’t verbalise her needs.

Is it just that you think she should slot in to the family when there rather than being centred?

Why can't you and the other children go too?

She’s not related you your daughter though, and she wants time to herself with her sibling. I think that’s understandable. She’s lost so much when her parents separated, why should she always have to compromise on being able to spend time just with her dad and sibling?

My daughter won’t be welcome , that’s why we can’t go. She is seen by my stepdaughter as an obstacle. She has verbalised this. In-laws, I think agree with this.

It all feels a bit controlling - particularly the "help" from DSD's mother to divide the family for DSD's perceived gain. I can understand why you feel upset and it must be hard to feel that your 3 yo is being pulled away for "special time" that you are blocked from being a part of.

Also, I don't think it's good that your DP is "totally on DSD's side" and not at least trying to understand your feelings. It is good for your DP to have quality time with DSD though and I can understand DSDs perspective too - it's coming from an anxious teen who feels left out and is being encouraged by her mum and not thinking of the impact on you or your relationship with DP.

I don't think there's much you can do other than express your feelings to DP (which it sounds like you already have) and arrange to have a lovely time with DD and baby. Maybe you can do things together that you can't do with 3 yo around so easily eg pop baby in pushchair and window shop/eat out/watch films and also see your family.

If it goes OK, I might even suggest they do it regularly (once every couple of months or something) and enjoy the time with older DD and baby. It could be that if it becomes a regular thing that DSD pushing for this "special time" ebbs away because it's not a battle anymore. Nothing works like a bit of reverse psychology on teens and often adults.

Your step daughter wants time alone with her half sibling to get to know her. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Your own daughter gets this all the time so why shouldn't your step daughter?

I don't see the issue or what there is to get angry over.

I think step daughter doesn’t want them to go as wants to spend time with dad / half sister. I have multiple dc and it’s really important to spend time doing individual things imo.

I would have been celebrating if someone had been offering to take two kids out of the house for a few days when I had a baby. I'm baffled why you actually mind because it's unclear from your post what the actual problem is - you seem to feel your SD wanting a relationship with her half siblings is A Bad Thing

I think if even your own mother and sister are telling you that you are being unreasonable then you probably are.

Be honest with yourself how much of this is simply a power struggle between you and SD and you are raging that you feel she has 'won' this one.

Sorry mate, I think this is a you problem.

Well, yeah? I mean she wants alone time with her siblings without her step-sister there. I think that's fair?
Your DD has plenty of time with them without his DD around, so why can't she have the same.

It's only a few days you'll be 'alone' with a 13 year old and a breastfed baby. Unless your oldest has delays in some way, she is hardly reliant on you at that age, she can even help with the baby if needed.

All that said, I don't think your husband can just decide to take away one of your shared children without speaking with you about it first.

Your posts are unclear

But I can imagine it's difficult for stepdaughter to feel isolated, and nice that she wants to bond with her half siblings

What his step daughter wants is more important than what you want though, and it’s a good father who prioritises his child over his partner. The only problem her is that you had babies with him. I can’t imagine the step daughter was any more settled with the fact that her mum and dad were separated and her dad was living with another child before you got pregnant, so sadly this is a situation of your own making.

Your Mum and sister are right, you do have to suck this one up.

Ah ok, I see the issue. Your SD and daughter seem to have a very unhealthy rivalry, we have a blended family and none of the kids have ever specified wanting alone time with just their bio half-siblings and tbh I'd also want to shut it down as I think it really divides the family. I don't think yabu.

I can understand your stepdaughter's perspective - if the little kids are much more used to your daughter, it might be harder for her to bond with them whilst she's there - they will naturally want to play with your daughter versus your stepdaughter as a more familiar person.

However what your husband did is not ok, and is excluding your daughter. Does your daughter do any activities - could something be arranged for them, so you aren't specifically excluding your stepdaughter?

Or even explain to your daughter how your stepdaughter feels - maybe she'd be happy to take a bit of a backseat when your stepdaughter is there.

If you don't want your 3 year old go, she doesn't. You are her mother! Your DH should think very long and hard or he will soon be managing 3 children from two broken homes.
Under no circumstances should your SD be able to dictate like that. You have a DH problem and I feel sorry for your 13 year old DD.

Is there an option that your 13 year old goes to her dad and you all(sd, dh, you, dd,baby) go to the in laws?