My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

You don't have to agree to your daughter going there without you for 4 days. What would your partner say if you took all your children to your mums for 4 days, leaving him at home?

Is your partner kind to your eldest daughter or does he also see her as an obstacle?

@thepariscrimefiles

I bet OP's DH would be pretty pissed off if she took all her children to visit her parents, leaving her partner and DSD at home

I bet he wouldn’t…Being left home with his 13 year old while his wife takes the other kids to visit their grandparents that are not his 13 year olds grandparents? Nope. Don’t see that this would be a problem at all.

I can see both sides to be honest. Its not unreasonable for your SD to want some quality time with her siblings that can be arranged easily and with minimum upset. However it is unreasonable for SD to want to go away for a few days and exclude your DD just because of her insecurities, that is not acceptable. I would be putting my foot down with your DH and say either we all go together or he and SD can go alone. Even if you're all away you can arrange some quality time for all the siblings.

If SD gets pandered to I can see this becoming a bigger issue in future i.e. SD will continue to push for your DD to be excluded from other family activities and events just so she can feel better but will still expect to be included in all things you do with DD.

If DH continues to push I would say "ok fine but after this I am taking the kids away so they can have quality time too" you can bet that DH won't like that and say that's horrible to leave SD out then you can reply "yes it isn't it but since its acceptable to exclude my DD that now works both ways" that might make DH see how ridiculous he is being feeding into SD insecurities and pandering. Surely each parent can do activties alone and together with the kids so they all feel they get special time? And why is your DH ex getting involved? Her role is to help her DD realise that whilst life is sometimes unfair she can't exclude someone for that and support her to move past it. SD is entitled to her feelings she isn't entitled to exclude her step sister.

Why is he having dinner with his ex? I would be pretty pissed off about that.

@thepariscrimefiles

What would your partner say if you took all your children to your mums for 4 days, leaving him at home?

Probably “Wow thanks so much, I owe you one!” He’d get a house to himself that usually has his wife, a baby, a 3 year old and a teenager in it!

Your step daughter is at a disadvantage in terms of time with her sister and your eldest has the head start. I can see why you are upset but I agree, suck it up and wish them a great trip. She should get time alone with her dad too, all children should have some one to one time with their parents.

How do your family treat your step daughter out of interest? Do you take her to visit your parents? And do they view her as a one of the family?

HIS daughter. MY daughter. Never mind the post is garbled, and poorly written, but this is crystal clear.

So the issue is your in laws not treating your daughter equally and your DH allowing it. That's being projected on your step-daughter who is a child and has done nothing wrong here. Sounds like your DH isn't making your step-daughter feel included and valued, which he may have learned from his own parents who are doing the same to you and your daughter.

Your h is unreasonable to present this as a done deal. What would he do if you said you were taking your oldest and youngest 2 to your parents home for 4 days over Easter?

The problem is not sd and tbh she doesn’t sound older than her age if she’s jealous of your dd. the problem is that your h doesn’t want to blend where as you do and you (as a couple) had 2 more kids that has made it even more obvious that you have different ideals of what the future looks like. sd’s mum advice on asking for one on one time with the 3 year old isn’t unreasonable. Its better that she can vocalise he feelings rather than bottle it up or act up because she’s unhappy.

Your only practical solution to the problem is to have fun while your h is gone. He wants to keep the families separate so you need to go along with it if you want to stay together. If this trip becomes an annual thing and he takes the baby next year then organising a different trip for your oldest is a must so she’s not felt abandoned by her stepfather

It’s important for context in this case. Calling her step daughter “my daughter” would make an already mildly confusing post even more so.

This post doesn’t make sense . There won’t be much sympathy for you . Your SD will garner the sympathy from mumsnet I am afraid . This blended family isn’t working . Is it worth it , could you split up ?

Does your 13yr old want to go with Step-Dad and Step Sister to see Step Grandparents?

She might be ecstatic at having more time with you and seeing her friends etc.

Exactly. A weekend without his step child or any toddlers babies to look after.

Bliss so peaceful he can either have it to himself or some one on one with his child. Win

It’s not blended at all is it. Op says so.

It’s her child, his child, some shared children.

His and her child don’t get along. His parents aren’t fussed about her child either.

Wonder what her child’s father’s place is in all of this… here there nowhere?

I wouldn’t be happy if my husband just made blanket announcements about holiday plans. We make decisions together as a team.

i also can’t see being comfortable with a husband who doesn’t live with his daughter at least half the time. Why doesn’t his daughter feel like she is part of your family?

Like gaffer tape holding a car together is how most step families seem to work. Just clinging on with hope rather than fixing the underlying issues most of which are actually don’t blend.

The step daughter makes sense to me!

She wants to visit her grandparents with her dad and her sibling she is related to.

This isn't going to end well though because gradually and especially as the baby gets older, the three of them will be going off on trips and holidays with your DH and grandparents but without your daughter, so she will be the one feeling she's not part of the family despite living with the younger two.

I agree with this. It's setting a precedent that could well make things like weddings and anniversary parties on your DH's side of the family more and more awkward as the children get older. The sooner all the children get used to doing things together the better imo.

I HNRTFT because I think it is irritating. I feel there is no way at all DH previous family would be making stipulations about who they see and why? Has she previously shown any interest in the 3 year old when she is at yours?

I wouldn’t be taking any of the shit from PIL either, unless you caused the end of the marriage.

What is your DH thinking of? It’s all about marginalising you and yours.

So its ok for the SD to want her step sister excluded because in SD's words "she's an obstacle" and the OP and her DD have to suck it up and accept it? So what happens in the future if the OP wants to go to her parents and says SD can't go because its quality time for her kids, is that also acceptable? I would bet my last tenner the SD would kick off and claim she's being excluded. Where does it end, if its allowed once SD will continue to push for this repeatedly, birthdays, Christmas other family occaisions etc SD calls the shots and OP and her DD have to accept it at the expense of their feelings being second. Thats a receipe for disaster because its gonna cause the OP and her DD to feel resentment and will hardly strengthen family relationships.

What about when the younger siblings are older they could well end up feeling torn between their sisters and all because the SD is insecure. This needs nipping in the bud now as harsh as this sounds SD needs to learn she can't dictate to people because she feels insecure the are other healthier ways she could build good relationships with her sisters than excluding family members she thinks are obstacles.

So? She can’t have time with her grandparent? Not really something to be raging or crying about OP I think you need to take a step back and breath.