My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

How many kids have you each produced?!

Also worth checking in and I’m sure your daughter is lovely however that things haven’t been said between the two girls where your daughter may of maybe just a little bit rubbed it in her face that she gets her dad and siblings 100% of the time while she’s just a guest in her home..

This. I think yabu OP it sounds like actually they have found a compromise suggesting they take the older of the two little ones leaving the breastfed one with you and your older daughter?
It definitely sounds like you absolutely view it that you have 3 children and are content because YOUR children's relationships are developing nicely whild your step daughter feels quite left out.

Little children often idolise older kids and naturally because your daughter lives with them I bet your step daughter barely gets a look in when your daughter is around so I can entirely understand why your SD wants her own opportunity to build the relationship! At least she wants to become closer to her half siblings, some teens would just not be interested!
You are not being fair to your step daughter.

The only issue is that your 3 yo is going somewhere without you but she will be with her dad so that’s not really a problem. It must have been obvious as soon as you had the 3 yo that you were never going to be a fully blended family yet you’ve gone on to have another child . Best thing to do is plan a lovely weekend with your older daughter and baby . Why was he having lunch with his ex ?

Why does DD13 get automatic “custody” alone time with her siblings and her step father without DSD13 being present, but if DSD13 asks for an amount of alone time with her own father and half siblings she is seen as a problem?? The issue is DSD is only asking for what DD gets by default of living there full time.

How old is the youngest baby op?

I think unless that baby is very very young, the only issue I would have is your dh informing you that he's made a unilateral decision on what your family will be doing over Easter rather than having a proper discussion with you about it. Though tbh... I can't see why this is not OK. It must be really hard for your step daughter to see the rest of her family living with your dd and worrying they'll prefer your dd etc over her because they get all that quality time together. Of course she wants to spend time with her dad and her siblings. I think you need to maybe reflect on your expectations here - you can't put two 13 you in the one family and just expect them to act like sisters. That would if anything breed resentment. I think I would be facilitating this as often as possible while also creating opportunities for your step daughter and your dd to do things together without the younger ones there.

As much as it would be lovely for your in laws to take more of an interest in your dd again, they may not feel that way and I don't think you can expect them to. What you can do is try to fill the gaps. You're at home with her and your baby, plan a lovely girls night, get a movie and face masks and do nails and make popcorn and make it a real treat for her, try to get out somewhere nice and maybe go to for a nice lunch or to the park. It doesn't need to be expensive or fancy (especially if you've little baby in tow) but you can still make it lovely and I'm sure she'd love having you to herself for that time as well. So it might work out in the best interests for both girls. Does your mil live far away? Could your dh compromise and do 2 nights instead of 4 so you can fit some family time in to the holiday as well and to allow for how exhausting breastfeed can be?

Sounds like sibling rivalry.
Dont get why you would be ragging and crying this sort of thing happens with blended familys and none blended famlilys.
To me it sounds like your making it in to something bigger when its not that big.

But what would i know im childless and single.

I couldn't understand it at all.. Stepchildren have rights to see their fathers and siblings.

Maybe the OP would like to spend Easter with her 3 year old? Maybe her husband could have suggested the trip and asked how OP felt rather than announcing it was happening.

3 each

Have some quality time with your other 2 and let your 3 year old have some quality time with her sister dad and grandma.

I also don't see why he shouldn't be having lunch with his ex. To me if he can Co parent that amicably then that's the best option for your step daughter and he should be making the effort to navigate a positive relationship with her mum. If you trust him then it shouldn't be an issue.

Also should be noted that DSD is only asking to take her own dad and oldest half sibling, meaning OP’s DD gets dedicated alone time with her own mum and the youngest sibling, to bond and have, ahem, “custody” as it was strangely referred to above.

Gosh it sounds like a nightmare for all of the children. Why on earth did you have 2 dc with this man, who appears to be consulting more with his ex than you? Yes he needs to spend time with his dd13, but he cannot just dictate that he is taking your dc3 along too without discussing it with you. And it's hardly your dd13's fault that she lives with you.

If you’re cross because they’re going off at Easter without you, and without any consultation, then I understand why you’re upset. I’m a bit confused about the rest

The OP gets to spend every day with her 3 year old, unlike her step-daughter.

The husband very probably foresaw the 'raging' and 'crying'.

Also very possibly why the step-daughter sees the OP's daughter as an 'obstacle', because in her eyes it looks like the OP has made her into one.

Or at least a barrier to spending alone time with her siblings.

Stepchildren have rights to see their fathers and siblings.

Are you sure about that?

I was confused too but see what you mean now.
I think stepdaughter has to accept all or accept none. She doesn’t have to like everyone ( all siblings and step siblings argue sometime and no one can force her to like your oldest dd) but she can’t manipulate the living conditions of your children. It’s also mean to try to single out your ( oldest) daughter as if she doesn’t belong because she’s not dad’s biological child.
I think I’d sit the two oldest down with you and DH and lay it out straight to them.
Two going away with their dad —- take that as a chance to spend some time with your oldest and maybe do something nice with her.

I also think you have a problem with him having had lunch with his ex.

I don't see the issue.
Step sister and step mum in a non blended family is very different to your half sister and dad.

Honestly I could not be bothered with this

Why allow things to go as far as they have?

Prioritise your daughter, end your relationship with this man as his daughter is having too much control over your life!

Your daughter should not be excluded within your own family home

I can see why she is not invited to the granny’s house but really it’s not very nice is it? If moving forward all kids go except for your eldest

You created a situation where all the children are unequal. Some of them living with both parents, some with one, some with siblings and some without. Now you want your stepdaughter, who had no choice in this, to put up and shut up so you don't have to face the consequences of your decisions. I can't imagine why she doesn't see you as her family.

Well fathers have rights to their children equally to the mothers in this age.

The dh father of both children involved in the trip has every right to want to take two of his children on a trip to his parents.

They can either agree, compromise or disagree.

Just remember a lot of the outcomes could result in three batches of children not living with their father just like the oldest girls.

Your title says 'battle' OP. The only one causing a battle is you. I get DSD doesn't want your DD there because she wants alone time to get to know her little SS. This is fair enough, by your reaction it sounds like she has never gotten this opportunity before now. If it was an ongoing issue it would be different, only 1 13 yr old at a time, but this is the one and only time this has arisen. Just roll with it and let DP know that it's not going to be one v another all the time, they can all hang out together sometimes too.

Oh and posters are mentioning balancing out the time that DSD spends with her siblings. How often is she with you OP and how does this compare with how often your daughter is with her other parent?

I think you might have to suck this one up as your mum and sister have said but you and your DH really need to work out some other strategies out for the future or it may become an unpleasant situation.