My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

I think it's more the "me (as the father) and my ex have had a chat so I'll be taking one of your children away with one of her children for Easter, have fun watching the newborn on your own"

Why does one mother get consulted as to what she wants, yet the other just gets told you'll be losing one of your daughters for a family event?

Even though you say you are hurt because they are excluding your daughter, your post has small digs about everything else. I think you are projecting your own rivalry towards your DH's ex onto their daughter and feeling upset they won.

I can see that if your DD spends all the time with the 3yo, when you are all together the 3yo will go to your DD and will play with your DD as 'default sister'. Your 13yo step-daughter struggles to bond and play with 3yo DD when your DD is around just because the toddler might gravitate towards her. She wants to bond with her and she wants to feel as much of a sister to the 3yo as your DD is. She wants bonding time and this won't happen if your DD is around because the toddler doesn't understand all these politics and will go to whomever is familiar to her, even if she plays out of novelty with Step Daughter some of the time. So they tried to find a solution and decided that going to see DH's parents would be a good compromise. It's not an actual "fun holiday", it's visiting family, and will reinforce those bonds. Sounds good.

What you need to do is do something fun at your end with your DD and baby, so you don't feel this bitter, and give some quality time to your DD. I bet your DD will appreciate spending quality time with you instead. You have probably had to divide your attention between baby and toddler. Take her shopping or for lunch and enjoy a quieter house.