My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

@getsomehelp what happens when they all decide to go off holiday, excluding you & your Daughter ?

I presume what happens is exactly the same as when OP and Dh go off on their holiday, excluding the DSD?

Firstly , Why should OP want to spend Easter alone , It’s a Family holiday. !!
Secondly, ye are all a family now & your Step Daughter has to be treated like the child that she is ! And told so & not dictating what goes on !!
Your husband needs to tell his mother & Daughter ye go as a family or not at all ..
He can surely get away for a few hours here & there & do a few bits with them on his own while ye are all at his mothers house ..
How horrible for your 13 year old that this is what goes on. !!!

Stand firm on this one OP ..
Ye are all a family now & the sooner that that is accepted all Round the better ..
Sounds to me like his 13 year old from previous relationship calls all the shots & he leaves it happen ..
It really is nonsense, ye are all a family now & no one gets excluded..

I think it’s wrong to separate you from your 3 year old and certainly wrong that your partner has just announced it. I also don’t see why SD is allowed to dictate who goes to in laws and who doesn’t. I would tell partner that you and all the children go. SD can’t cut out your eldest daughter to see her half siblings

@DriveMeCrazy1974 to be fair, OP definitely doesn’t have her SDs back either. She’s raging and crying because the SD wants to spend a long weekend with her dad and sibling but not her daughter. You cannot force step siblings to get along or like each other so naturally each parent will take the side of their own child. This is why blending families where not everyone is onboard works, but OP and her H decided to go ahead anyway and this is the consequence.

He should have asked, but personally I'd be saying yes and then talking to your daughter about special things you can do together since the baby is very portable at that age. Why are the two of you treating it as a slight? And why is it a problem for your stepdaughter to bond with her siblings?

I don’t think this is a healthy dynamic to be setting up, for the two younger siblings.

Your partner is trying to meet the needs of his daughter, who seems to be struggling with the fact another teen girl gets to live with her dad.

Have a bit of sympathy. SD is allowed time with her own father dad and grandparents

I would be annoyed as:

• it's a long time for your 3yo to be away from you for the 1st time. I know many will say it's fine but DH and I have never done more than 1 night away
• it's a long time to leave you with the baby, particularly if sleep is an issue
• it leaves you and your oldest DC out. I'd be less worried by this, but it sounds like it's your primary objection. I agree with others that this will become a bigger issue, but I can also see it from his DDs point of view.

Can you discuss the first 2 issues rationally and DP might listen more?

I don't blame your in laws for wanting to see only their grandchildren

I don't blame your step daughter for wanting 1:1 times with her sister.

This is not a threat to you and you are over reacting because you perceive your biological child is being excluded and you aren't looking at it from an objective perspective

If blending isn't working for the two 13 year olds then that's another issue

Could you go away for the children still at home that weekend?

we have similar situation and lady year I booked a weekend in a caravan park for us. It was great. Everyone felt happy they had time away (even if it was separate). It also made me less bitter as I had a lovely time

I think your DH is right. It will be good for your step daughter to spend time with her younger siblings, on her own. Build some bond.
Does your SD stay at your home overnight?
Four whole days is quite a stretch for your 3 year old. Maybe they could start with going out to the park, day trip... So your 3 year old DD does not stay away from you for too long?

I've read it as DSD13, who lives with her mum, gets upset that she has never has any time alone with her DD3 half sibling because her step-sister – OP's DD13 from her first marriage – is always around when she stays. So DSD13 has suggested that she, DD3 half sibling and their dad visit the paternal grandparents over Easter for some quality family time. OP thinks this is an outrage.

You have created a situation where there exists an unfortunate heirachy of siblings. I have a 13 year old and a 3 year old and they dote on each other so I can see why a theoretically equal sibling who ends up being second best is feeling left out and wants to take practical steps to redress that. Your daughter is being left out to the same extent that your step daughter is left out and that is as a result of the circumstances you live in.

So, if anyone has to suck anything up, it should be one of the adults who made the choice to create this family situation and the child who benefits from it most. It does suck, but surely you realised his whole situation would be a nightmare for your step daughter before you had the other kids - did you and your husband have an alternative plan to help minimise how much your step daughter would feel excluded?

I'm confused by your comment. No one lives with the grandparents. I bet OP's eldest isn't bothered about having to hang around a woman she isn't related to for four days. I assume she has two sets of grandparents she can spend time with.

What happens when you go and visit your side of the family? Does your step daughter come too? And whats your relationship like with your inlaws?

Im an ideal world, the whole family would be united when seeing grandparents on either side and all go together.

But it sounds like your husband's family does not see your daughter as family so that is not possible. The adults (your inlaws and husband) are at fault here...they need to be welcoming everyone together and your husband should be firm on this.

What will happen when baby is older? He takes all children except yours to visit his parents because all except your daughter is blood related? Thats pretty crappy

I feel for your step daughter that a situation has been created that she feels lett out of sibling relationships but all the children, including the 13 year olds need to bond together.

I think it’s lovely that your stepdaughter to want to build a proper sister relationship with your 3 year old!

Obviously she feels like ‘less’ of a sister if the baby, the 3 year old and your 13 year old all live together and she’s only there some of the time.

The SD and 3yo visiting their grandparents together with their dad sounds a really nice way to build those relationships.

What’s your problem?
That you, the baby and your daughter will be together in one place while the other three are somewhere else?
Why not spend time with your parents over Easter so all the girls are seeing grandparents?

Your in-laws are pleasant to your DD, you say, but obviously will want to spend time with their actual grandchildren sometimes.

The reality of having a second family is that sometimes the needs of the children from
the first family will need to be met as well.

I think that’s the problem, why can’t you all go?? Don’t they want to see baby?!

I find it really strange and VERY telling that your DP is not doing it so you can all go.

Why should his parents welcome his step daughter in this situation? does the ops parents welcome her, do her step sisters fathers?

In my experience, people who don't have to live with a 3yo tend to get on better with them than the people who do!

Maybe try and sell this to your stepdaughter as her getting to be the "fun" sister, rather than the "get out of my roooooooom" sister?

DSD's mum can advocate for her daughter to visit the grandparents without OP's daughter from her first marriage going if OP's DH agrees, but she can't insist that DSD's half sibling, who is also OP's daughter must go.

OP has equal say over this and it is pretty divisive to try and split the family leaving OP, her older daughter and the baby at home. OP can say no to her daughter going.

I bet OP's DH would be pretty pissed off if she took all her children to visit her parents, leaving her partner and DSD at home.

As a step-daughter and step-sibling myself I would never have wanted to spend a long weekend at my step-dad’s parents house. I’d much rather be home with my mum and baby sibling. Are you sure your daughter would/does actually feel left out or have you decided yourself that she’s “left out”?

Is that even honestly what you are worried about? Because the details of your DH having lunch with his ex, your DSD “presenting older” and your 3 year old having never spent time away from you before, are all irrelevant if what you are claiming you’re worried about is your DD being left out.

By all means be concerned about your DH’s relationship with his ex or whether now is a good time for the 3 year old to be away from you for the first time for this length of time…but don’t take that out on your “older presenting” DSD. None of that is her fault.

As for “blended families” this is what blending involves. It doesn’t mean all children from all relationships doing everything together at all times. You already know that because your DSD doesn’t live with you. So on a Saturday when you guys all go to Legoland but DSD has her weekend with her Mum…she misses out. That’s blended families. That’s how they work.

Sometimes I’d be in Florida with my Dad and step brother while my half sister would be at home with our Mum. That isn’t “unfair”. She isn’t related to my Dad so she wasn’t with me when I did things with him and his family. I also wasn’t with her when she did things with her Dad and his parents. With blended families it’s equity rather than equality that you strive for. If you took your DD and the baby to see your parents for Easter that would be totally fine and equitable.

Because the point was for the non-resident big sister to spend time with her little sister without the resident big sister being there to be ‘default sister’. Some time for the girls to be together with their parent.

OP’s DD gets to spend time with her sister and parent (and no stepsister) most of the time. SD never has this. A weekend away was the solution from DH, his ex (advocating for her daughter) and his parents.

But they’re not a family because someone is already excluded and is clearly feeling upset about that, or her parents wouldn’t have tried to think of something that would help.

Children don’t stop needing quality time with their own parents just because a parent has decided they want a new relationship, new babies and a new step child. They need that time even more, and parents who use the ‘they’re a child and should do as their told’ are very selfish people who are asking for shit relationships with their adult children.