My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

See I actually think this could be a good idea as it gives her some time alone to form a bond with her sibling of her own, a chance your daughter gets 24/7 due to living with them?

I personally don't think that ILs who don't accept their sons choices of new family should be allowed to continue to do that, onr that the ex is openly manipulating her DD.

I can see why OP is upset, allowing DSD to build relationships with siblings is good, for her DH to allow it by excluding half a family by ILs and Ex (not DSD, it's on her parents not her) is bad.

OPs DH should be managing all this better, he's being dragged around by what his ex and parents want not what is good for his currant family including his DSD.

@Balletbabe I cannot understand why he was having "lunch" with his ex in the first place??? that would have had me fizzing with anger! is this a normal occurence? his ex seems very coniving and sleakit! does it seem more like this has been a demand by the ex?

I am totally bewildered

Can anyone please spell this out?

It all feels a bit controlling - particularly the "help" from DSD's mother to divide the family for DSD's perceived gain.

What’s wrong with a mother advocating for her daughter? She is the only person in the world that will put that child first because even her own dad has priorities elsewhere. The daughter is only one of them, and sometimes Dads need help understanding their teenage daughter’s feelings.

I think it’d actually ok tbh.

She wants a trip with her dad and half siblings that’s old enough to go. She doesn’t see you as her step mother clearly and doesn’t see your daughter as family. But her half siblings are her family they share a father and grandparents.

She feels with your daughter there who lives there full time she never gets to bond properly with her sibling so wants some basically one on one with her sister to get to know her better and build a better relationship. I actually like that, like that she articulated her feelings and that her father is supportive of building bonds between his children.

Another part on blending families where is doesn’t actually work is now your mad and your own child is possibly going to be upset. The children don’t get a choice when their parents split or move on but this is ultimately a situation you and her father have created.

Hmm. So there is acknowledged rivalry between your DSD and DD and this situation is a symptom of that. I can sort of see why you don’t want to encourage this sort of game playing.

I think it depends on whether the DSD genuinely wants to spend time with her half-sibling or is just doing it to get one up on your DD.

Whilst your dh should be spending time with his dd one to one, she should not be calling the shots in this way. Dh should be stressing the importance of togetherness and inclusivity, or you will never achieve the harmonious balance that most families strive for.

No one should be dividing up the time and who is invited, it leads to exclusion and feeling pushed out.

Dh should spend a day and night with sd at his parents, you should care for dc. Then Easter Sunday together, sd invited and then dh looks after dc and you spend quality time with your dd. It should be equal and fair,

The idea of him disappearing for the entire holiday weekend would be a non starter in this house.

Essentially, your step-daughter doesn't like the fact your daughter from.your first marriage lives in the family home with her half-siblings? Your step-daughter wants her Dad to take her and her eldest half-sibling away to see family. This leaves you at home with your step-daughter's youngest half-sibling, who is still a baby and your daughter from your first marriage. I can understand why you are upset, but equally I can see the other side of the coin, the fact your step-daughter wants time with her half-sibling. She's entitled to spend 1:1 time with her half-siblings but equally your daughter from your marriage shouldn't be pushed out either.

This is really nothing to be 'raging' and 'crying' about.

The girl just wants to spend some time with her dad and her sibling 🤷‍♂️

To be honest your husbands daughter absolutely deserves time with her Dad without you Daughter being there. She also needs time with her half sister without her step sister being there. Surely you see that? As for you husband taking your 3 year old away for a few days , what on earth is the problem ? I think you are anxious about your husband spending time with his other family.

This isn't going to end well though because gradually and especially as the baby gets older, the three of them will be going off on trips and holidays with your DH and grandparents but without your daughter, so she will be the one feeling she's not part of the family despite living with the younger two.

It's a tough one OP when grandparents sideline a stepchild. Wicked IMO. We have step children in our family and they are treated exactly the same as bio children.

Your stepdaughter needs affirmation of her special place in your family, not being encouraged to feel that she has to compete with your daughter. This is what her parents and grandparents should be giving her strategies for, not encouraging separation.
If you and I mean all of you, can't do that then you should not live together.

How do your parents/ family treat your stepdaughter?

I think it would be fair to say your step daughter feels the odd one out, not living full time with her bio-siblings and having an “outsider” to her get full time with those siblings. She just wants a bit of alone time to bond with them without their “other” sister, whom she feels no kinship with or relationship to, being there. Something she feels this girl does get very regularly.

She isn’t asking for anything your daughter doesn’t already get plenty of and I think to deny it would do a great harm. Yes of course you want everyone to be blended, and of course you don’t see your own daughter as “in the way” but DSD is entitled to her feelings and process, as well as alone time with her father and sibling.

This does need to be nipped in the bud or this will get worse and worse.

OP has a DD13

Husband has a DD13.

They have two more DD together, age 3 and a baby.

Husband’s DD feels left out because she doesn’t have the same bond with her little sisters as the OP’s DD does. Because OPs DD obviously lives in the same house as the little sisters whereas husband’s DD is only there part-time.

I have often read posts over the year from people talking about how their dads never spent time with them without their dad's step children being present. Also how their step mothers would insist on being with their Dad's also.
Its good that your husband is realising its important for his children to spend some time together, separate from his step child. Maybe focus on this rather than that you feel your older child is being left out.

I can’t see the problem with this at all.

Respectfully OP, your Mum and Sister are right and you do need to suck this one up.
It’s very easy to say your daughter would ‘love’ a blended family with your SD, but then she’s not the one who only gets to see her half siblings part time, as your SD does.
I think it’s entirely normal and reasonable that your SD asks for, and receives, alone time with her family sometimes. In time, as she feels more confident in her own sense of importance within the family, she may start to enjoy time with the whole family more. There’s no threat here, just a 13 year old trying navigate a complicated family set up and her own experience of her original family unit breaking apart. Try to go with the flow here, pushing back won’t do anything except drive a bigger wedge into the relationship.

Thank you!!

Stepdaughter basically wants some custody time with your child and that doesn't fly. Siblings don't have parental rights. I disagree with taking a 3 year old away from their mom on a family holiday for days just to see a sibling who lives elsewhere.

Dad can arrange sibling visits at a convenient time and place for you and he and the kids. But 3 days away is fucking outrageous.

Unless he wants to get another divorce.

But this trip is blending if she’s with a half sibling.

I see a big problem with one child articulating that the other is an obstacle

So because of unavoidable circumstances (her parents separation) your DSD (a 13 year old child) doesn't get to live with her half-siblings and your DH's (and his parents) solution is to actively purposefully exclude your DD (a 13 year old child). It's not ideal for either girl but at least for your DSD no one is trying to make her feel like shit.

I haven't voted, because I'm firmly on the fence.

I can understand why you're upset. Your idea of what your blended family would look like hasn't panned out. Did you have a good relationship with your SD and in-laws before joining and expanding the family/household?
When did they start leaving your older daughter out of family activities? If this precedes the request from your stepdaughter, why did you tether her to a family that ignores her?

I also understand the stepdaughter's needs and why her father is inclined to indulge them. He was free to choose a relationship with you, but she would've had no say in the matter, but is now expected to cooperate with something she didn't choose. She's not interested in spending time with your older daughter, but is interested in a relationship with her siblings. Under no other circumstances would we compel a child to form a relationship with another, so she should (technically) have this choice.

It all sounds quite the mess, and I'm sorry you're all now in this state.

This isn't going to end well though because gradually and especially as the baby gets older, the three of them will be going off on trips and holidays with your DH and grandparents but without your daughter, so she will be the one feeling she's not part of the family despite living with the younger two.

And the rest of the time, which is the vast majority of the time, it’s the step daughter that feels she’s not part of the family. That’s why occasions like this should happen.

She probably spends a lot of time feeling left out, especially when there’s a new baby because there is simply no way she can be involved as much as OPs daughter.