To feel threatened by OW

[Preear]

I have lost all of my confidence since ex left me for somebody else. We have 2 kids who are 4 and 7 and they have just been on holiday with them and my son is now crying because he kisses dad (he is 4) my daughter however said it didn’t feel right being on holiday without me. I am so worried that this woman is going to my place. I can’t afford to take them on holiday etc and I don’t want another man right now (it’s only been 5 months since we split) somebody tell me to get a grip

It's not my experience of a parent of children who has been through divorce either.
My ex told the kids he had a girlfriend the week he was moving in with her, and from that point their contact time was at her home.
They were really affected by this. And I have always avoided confrontation with my ex wherever possible, never criticised him to the kids etc.

I just don’t understand how he can possibly think what he has done is ok, how can he just move on so fast? How can he think it won’t confuse the children, how is he on? So many questions haha

It's just a mixture of people with h no empathy or those who feel men should be able to do whatever they like and never have to admit there are negative consequences.
You only have to read the posts from those who experienced this as children to know it does affect them.
I split with my ex for different reasons but he was/is a selfish arsehole and it has definitely adversely affected the kids. My older ones are 16 and 18 and just don't bother with him. My youngest was so little when a lot of the shit happened that he has been a bit less affected by it. However dad has been a Disney dad and DS only sees him when there is a fun element. If he wants a cuddle, is having a bad day, someone to talk to it's me he has that relationship with every time. Even now, he will sometimes say he can't wait to go to dad's, but then it usually transpires that's because he has a new game he's waiting to try on the ps5 etc.

It took me a few years but I got to the point where I made a focus not to expensive any emotional energy in him. He will never accept he behaved badly, hurt me and his kids etc and so it was eating me up.

If you feel able, start to make some steps towards building a new life (not looking for a new bloke, unless you want that). Try a new hobby, meet an old friend etc. at least if they go to him sometimes you will have a bit of time. When they first stayed with ex I used to try and make sure I was busy and distracted and it eventually got easier.

Kids, especially as they get older, understand who really has their interests at heart xxx

It isn't but he's a selfish arsehole so only cares about himself. I couldn't believe it of my ex, he was a 'nice guy'. But people like him will always put their own needs above all else.

In order to heal you need to stop thinking about him and just think about yourself.

I keep thinking that if I try and work out why I will get closure. I don’t think she is very good looking although I wouldn’t usually say that. It’s shit thinking she is better than me.

You absolutely will and wonder why you put up with ex bloke in the first place!! Xx

Honestly, most people who cheat don't have any major reasons why they do it. They are weak and selfish and they do it because they can. They justify it to themselves to make themselves feel better but it's all on them.

She isn't better than you, she's as weak and selfish as your ex and neither of them are even decent enough to consider their impact on your children.

You will get through this, even right now you can't imagine it. Look after yourself.

Try and find time and money to do some therapy @Preear. You need some help to process the grief. And once you've worked on that, you can work on preconceived notions of what attributes give people worth. Your (and her) looks have nothing to do with his behaviour. That's on him.

Do relationships generally move that quick?

Remember its not a competition, the children can have a good relationship with their dad and his new partner and it doesn't take anything away from your unique role as Mum. My kids are older now, they've had experiences with their Dad and partner that they'd never have had with me, some lovely holidays etc but they've had amazing experiences with me too - it's hard when you're comparing yourself but try not to, instead try to indulge in self care when the kids are with their dad - invite friends over, meditate, do a Facebook...whatever floats your boat.

No, I just can’t understand any of it. Do I really need to? It’s like I have to pick at every detail before I can get over something, I do it a lot

It's natural to ask why and compare and contrast yourself with the new woman but it's not healthy and not helpful either. You are asking the wrong person (yourself) why this relationship has failed, why he's with her, etc. You weren't responsible for this so have none of the answers. Any answers you pluck out are meaningless.

Far better then to make a conscious choice to say 'fuck it' to yourself when you catch yourself doing it and make a point of stopping. If you do that then it will become second nature and you'll not do it as much because you realise the futility.

At the moment everything is raw so you have this at the forefront off your mind. It's like a bereavement, a loss that hurts you so there it is, in everything you think of right now but time heals, it really does. The hurt of this will fade, the waves will close over it and you'll move on. Your body/mind won't allow you to carry on as you are because it's not good for you. Be sad but don't allow it to become all encompassing and do not allow your ex to dictate (in your mind) how important he is because he really isn't.

Completely agree with @WilfredsPies

Within 12 months I felt quite grateful to the OW for taking the trash out for me. My ExH was a pathetic man-child who couldn't even work out how to use the washing machine when we were married.

Six months after he left, my friends talked me into dating and I met the man of my dreams. I've been with my DP for 12years now and I'm forever thankful that they freed me to find someone infinitely better than my ExH.

How did you get into dating? Was it apps?

Honestly, OP I was just like you, I had to understand. This is where books like the 'Runaway Husbands' one I mentioned before can help you. https://www.runawayhusbands.com/ (linking again). There is a private Facebook page, too full of women going through this and ranting, healing and asking questions.

There is a lot of stuff on YouTube, also. I read everything I could get my hands on and actually understanding what had happened DID help me. I am really sorry to write it again, but it is quite probable that he checked out a while ago and that there was at least an emotional affair going on that you weren't aware of. This is why it appears that he moved on fast. I understand the turmoil you are in now, it's normal at this stage but things will settle down.

Yes - just Match.com. I think OLD was a bit of a gentler experience in those days. He was my first date too.

OP, was everything fine between you and your ex before he left you? was the separation totally unexpected and sudden? You seem to be much more deeply impacted than him. How did he get over this so quickly, unless he checked out of this marriage ages ago ?

im asking as I’m curious. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.

It absolutely will get better, I remember people telling me that and thinking no it won't! Even a year ago, I was still regularly crying. I'm not sure exactly when or what changed but now I feel completely free of it all. His behaviour still disgusts me and I can't (won't) exchange any words with him in real life. But I don't feel consumed with bitterness and hatred like I did before.

I have stayed single and given myself time to heal because for me this was a very real grief. I truly hope the same for you, sooner rather than later!

No, the relationship fell apart a while ago, I told him I didn’t love him anymore and I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with him so I ended it. He wasn’t involved in family life and I had too much resentment. Even though I ended it it was a very painful decision for me and I am grieving for what I thought my life would be. I don’t think I am too bothered about the OW it was just introducing her to the kids.

Am I a failure because I didn’t make it work? Will my kids be ok or have I messed them up for life?

I think you are icky remembering the sad stories and not the good ones. Many people on this thread, me included, have told you that time does move on and they are far happier than they were. Three years after my exh left me for someone else and I had to live into a rented flat, I have a house with a garden, a fiance, and I am a million trillion times happier than I ever was with my ex. It's understandable but try to make some positive steps to inrove your mood. Really try to get some counselling through your GP. Join a divorce support group. It may be that you are depressed so speaking to a GP may be really helpful. It will pass but it will require some action from you. Much love xxx

So, YOU decided to end it and now that he found another woman, you make her out to be some kind of an affair partner!? What did you expect him to do? Be miserable and get depressed? Did you try therapy etc ?

She is not OW, she is simply his current GF/partner! He probably found a nice woman, she was ok with taking both your kids on holiday with them (so early in their relationship) , plus she was nice to them! Long term, this is a great win.

Oh sorry OP, I think I misunderstood.

So the girlfriend is the 'new woman' rather than a woman he was cheating on you with?

No, you are not a failure for not trying harder. But please understand that there are consequences for actions. Some good, some not so good.

You decided to end the relationship and I’m shocked at how you made it all sound like he just left you for another woman !! Your ex doesn’t deserve the abuse he got from people on this thread! He was told it was over, asked to leave. It probably broke his heart too. He got up, picked his pieces and he is trying to rebuild his life again.

Did you say your son cried because his dad couldn’t pick up from school and take him to football? You said your ex did this before - so why is it his fault that you decided to end it, so he had to live elsewhere!!?