To not want the funeral filmed

[Uniquely187]

Asking on behalf of DH.

Mil has sadly died. A family member wants to film the funeral for those who can't attend to watch. DH doesn't want this. Feels its a private event and not for viewing entertainment.

Sil wants it filmed as she feels it's important for those who can't attend to feel part of the day.

Do DHs feelings trump sil?

I think that two terms are being conflated here, live streaming and filming. Most funeral directors will offer the opportunity to attend a funeral via live streaming. I was able to attend an aunt's funeral and a close friend during Covid and I appreciated being able to be part of the service and paying my respects to both of them.

Filming suggests that it is a fun event, but live streaming affords people who cannot get to the funeral the opportunity to join the family in saying goodbye. On balance, I think that this is a positive thing, that allows other mourners to also process their grief and achieve closure.

Personally I hate the idea of a live or recorded funeral.

I did watch one - a friend who I wasn't that close to- partly as her DH asked (he was more our friend.) It was very long distance.

I felt it was intrusive. Although I saw mainly their backs, you could see the immediate family's faces as they turned to come out of the church.

I think it's possible to say /pay your respects in private in your own time, without being there in person, if that's not possible.

And write to the family with your thoughts and condolences. The art of letter writing seems to have died too yet it can be a lasting memory for the family if you write to them.

I think a better way is a very small private funeral for the family only and then some kind of remembrance event' later.

One of my parents wanted no funeral at all- there were only 6 of us at the crematorium- me and my siblings/ spouses. No hymns, no prayers (they were an agnostic) no speeches.

I think this is quite standard nowadays for people who can’t make it, for example if they’re in hospital or working abroad.

There is no right or wrong, unless MIL stated her choice before she died.

Funerals are live online for loved ones who cannot attend, I doubt random people watch the feed.

Most places just do a live stream link, the video isn't recorded. Can you not just do that instead?

During Covid it was the only way an Aussie friend could watch the funeral of his father and feel part of it.

But viewing entertainment .... I tend to go to Netflix for that, or Prime.

When a friends funeral took place last year, I watched a live link to "attend" as I couldn't travel
I was very thankful for it

FIL died recently and the funeral was filmed. I think there might have been a notice up in the church saying it was being filmed but I'm not sure, we were in such a daze we didn't see it. I was shocked afterwards when someone (who didn't even know FIL) told me that she'd watched the funeral the next day and that it was quite common now for funerals to be available to watch online, not just live but for a few days/weeks after. I then watched it myself and was horrified that a very unflattering back view of me was constantly on camera. I'm just glad I didn't do the Eulogy as I would have felt very self conscious knowing I was being filmed whilst speaking. I know those people watching online could just have easily been at the funeral and seen everything but, personally, there is something very uncomfortable knowing there is a video showing me, dh and kids, in very private moments and upset available for anyone to watch online. I checked and there was no security code needed to watch it, all you had to do was type in the name of the church and FILs name and the entire funeral was available to watch.

Live streamed- SIL can definitely trump your DH on this as it is very unobtrusive.

Someone sitting up front with a mobile phone- DH can trump SIL, this would feel intrusive.

A family member wants to film the funeral for those who can't attend to watch.

Do you mean the family member wants to film the funeral themselves? Or do you mean they want to have the film live-streamed? Big difference.

Whoever arranges the funeral will decide along with the undertaker whether the live streaming is required. Like any other element of the service, it has to be paid for. It's often available to watch for a couple of weeks afterwards, with a link and password.
Actual filming, with a phone? Hell, no.

We were given the option of streaming for those who couldn’t attend. That felt a bit weird so we posted the order of service to a those that couldn’t attend and asked that they raised a cup of tea & a digestive biscuit at some point in the day.

That's not how it works though. I live quite far from my home town so have attended a few live linked funerals as I haven't been able to attend in person. Most churches have an overhead gallery where the filming takes place so it is completely unobtrusive and respectfully done. Where there isn't one, filming is done from the back of the church.

If done properly viewers wouldn't be able to see emotional and grieving family members as the camera is on the clergy person/priest/anyone who speaks at the front of the church and NOT on the congregation at all.

I've been very grateful to have the opportunity to view live links and I think they are a good thing.

Until some fool posts the code on Facebook ...

I never quit know what it is about social media that makes some folks' brains fall out, but the oversharing can become almost manic and I guess OP's DH had better hope SIL doesn't come into this category

This is surely the better option.

Live streaming funerals, it is so unbelievably crass and undignified for all involved.

Until some fool pastes the code on Facebook

And then what happens? Seriously. Do hundreds of people who have never met the deceased tune in?

I would want to know who it is who can't make it and also why they can't. If they genuinely can't, because they are in hospital or something, then that's one thing. But if it is just more convenient for them to watch online, rather than make the effort to attend in person, then that's another. Since Covid, some people have got used to do things online that would never have been countenanced before and they want to continue, because they prefer it that way.

Apologies if this has been asked @Uniquely187 but what would your MIL want?

My mother died during covid and we didn't live stream her funeral because I know she'd have hated that. If you have a sense of MIL's views then I'd go with whatever her preference would be.

If there is a FiL his wishes trump others.

If DH/SiL are siblings neither one trumps the other. They need to be grown up and talk about it and find a compromise - perhaps live streaming.

Most funeral services started offering live streaming during lockdown with the recording persisting for 24 hours or a few days max. When my godmother died this enabled many friends and family to "join" the funeral and at least feel we were remembering her together.

This service still exists and enables those unable to attend due to age, distance or infirmity to still feel they are participating in remembering the deceased. As pp say - its a very simple single camera on the service approach, not an entertainment video in the slightest.

I was ill a few weeks ago and was unable to attend my friend’s funeral…I watched it via the link. Why would I not be allowed to be part of it, albeit from my bed, simply because I was too ill to attend? She was my friend for over 40 years…

This doesn't work for those who would otherwise want to attend the service and join in with eg a requiem mass. For religious funerals in particular that communion of attendance matters.

My experience of live streaming funerals has always been passworded streams with a single camera view on the service itself and not on individuals attending.

If you mean live streaming then that is normal. We did it for my Dad's funeral, which was during lockdowns. It meant his Irish relatives who don't live near us could watch and be part of it, especially his sister.

It is done in a discreet and non-intrusive way. My sister and I read a eulogy and apart from the microphone on the lectern (normal) we weren't aware of other equipment like cameras. They will be there, but are very small and unobtrusive these days. I think it cost about £150 to provide the link. It was fine.

If you don't mean livestream and SIL just wants to record it on her phone then I would be uncomfortable with that, and she might not be allowed to do it anyway because of the services that are available.

I was at my mil funeral this past week. Her siblings live in Australia and South Africa and are in their 80s, and a few friends would not be well enough to attend. Because of Covid, the crematorium was well set up to stream it. I never saw a camera. I don't think it was recorded as such (I don't know), but it was streamed. Perhaps they could ask if this was possible? Then inform those absent that they can watch online.

I could not disagree more.
Throughout my career I have worked at institutions which have a large workforce from overseas (scientific reaserch). I therefore have many, many colleagues who have become friends and then moved back to their home country or away from the UK.

As I get older, we are losing colleagues/friends, and funerals are held all over the world. Being able to attend virtually, and knowing that other ex colleagues are watching from afar has been a great source of comfort to the loved ones of the deceased and the mourners. There has not been an ounce of indignity or crassness.

I would want to know who it is who can't make it and also why they can't.

You might want to know, but I cannot imagine how on earth you could ask someone "why can't you attend the funeral" w/o sounding utterly judgemental.