Party, child with visible difference

[donttake]

Was 8 year olds birthday party on Saturday,
Some school friends, some out of school friends and some family were invited. First time doing a mixed party like that and the different groups kind of kept together so Dd was a bit pulled around but otherwise everything went great .

One of DD’s cousins who was at the party has a significant facial difference, purely physical and had no effect of their behaviour or abilities. I’ve had a message from a school friends mother saying thank-you for the party, dc had a great time etc but that she would have appreciated a heads up about dd’s cousin. That her dc were scared and upset and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so could I give advice.

I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

I have no idea what to reply

I would tell her she’s very inappropriate contacting you on how she should deal with this and who the hell does she think she is saying she should have been told.

I wouldn’t be inviting her kids again

As a mum to two children born with facial differences this is giving me the rage.

how very dare she.

I have a child with a visible difference on her face, and in my far too frequent experience children just come out with it at the time if they are worried. What's that on your face? Oh just a birthmark, I was born with it. No more is said and if it is, parents deal with it there and then. Adults are far worse and often come out with really offensive things.

I'm inclined to believe the mum is making it up for reasons known only to herself and should just be ignored. It's quite easy to get angry about these things but I try and model to my daughter that these people are not worthy of a second thought.

I'd just reply don't worry your dd won't be invited again so no need to educate yourself.

All that said, I would have recounted the story to my friends and we would have enjoyed calling her a cunt and ripping her to shreds! I just wouldn't dignify her with a response.

I agree.

I cant believe an adult parent of an 8 year old has never ever had to explain anything like this. It beggars belief.
Young kids ask questions all the time, why is that person in a chair, why does that person have a stick etc. There are loads of kids shows now with inclusive casts etc. Strictly had a blind person ! All these opportunities for an adult to explain to a child that some folks are different etc. And this parent has never ever done this !
Well done OP for whatever measured reply ypu can muster !

God I'm about to go massively against the grain here and I am fully aware that I'll likely get jumped on.... however, whilst I absolutely agree with all the PPs that the woman's text was awful and unwarranted and that you should absolutely not of been expected to send out some kind of disclaimer, is it possible that she's just asking what the childs condition is so that she knows how to explain it to her child? So that she can present facts? Just because her child was frightened doesn't mean she's not trying to teach inclusivity. I try to teach my children to be kind and inclusive etc but still at such a young age surely seeing someone with what I can only assume to be a rare facial disfigurement can still be scary for them?

One of my Dc has a visible physical difference.

They may have expressed concern to their mother whether the child’s difference is painful, how they got it, whether it will get better or worse, whether they might catch it. These are innocent questions children ask. I would appreciate someone asking for correct information to give about my child and also guidance about if it is ok to talk to the child directly about the condition.

The thing is, it isn't anyone's business. Having a difference or disability doesn't somehow make a child public property, with everyone having access to their personal details. People did not need medical details (there are many!) of my child's condition to just get on and treat them like everyone else. That's the signal we need to send to kids.

Children do ask innocent questions, kids can answer for themselves in an equally innocent way. I don't need flash cards on all my friends kids conditions so that I can use their details in a workshop. I can say "I don't know, and that's probably XX's business - but what does it matter - you all have fun, don't you?"

Another suggestion:

"Part of your role as a mother is to teach your children kindness and empathy. Rather than focusing on the impact on your children of seeing another child with a visible difference, can I ask that you take a minute to think about what it must be like for my niece and her family, who will have to deal with strangers' reactions to the way she looks for her entire life. If you teach your kids that some children have visible differences but that they are just the same as everyone else underneath and want to be treated normally, the next time they meet someone like my niece, they might be the ones to make that child's day by including them. That would be something to be really proud of. If you'd like some tips for talking to your children about stuff like this, I can recommend some good resources."

Dear terrible parent-
Thank you so much for coming to me for parenting advice. I’d love to recommend a book, but we haven’t needed to consult any books to teach our children about visible and invisible differences, kindness and respect because we already know how be good parents.

You can probably find excellent resources on the internet, or perhaps ask at the library.

Thanks again, OP

—-

That's so sad. A mum in DSs primary had a prosthetic hand. She didn't always wear it and I think the children in the class learnt about disability from knowing.

Regarding original post - I think I'd be tempted not to dignify the txt with an answer. If she then approaches you in person I'd ask her to explain what she meant. Then tell her most of us know how to behave respectfully towards everyone

Quite shocking, children will often ask questions, out of curiosity, but the fact they apparently waited until they had left the party seems to show me they are already sensitive to the feelings of other children, unlike their mother who doesn’t seem to have these sensitive abilities. And why does she need advice? She explains to the children that everyone is different etc and so on? Like we all do as parents in this situation- and why ok earth did she need a heads up? I doubt they were scared- sounds more of the mums issue. Recently my dds friends mum lost her hair to chemo, dd did ask me (not in front of her) why she cut her hair, we had a chat and explained, she’s wasn’t upset or scared, listened interested and that was that

YANBU at all.

I went to Brownies with a child with a visible facial difference which both frightened and disturbed me. My mum did her best to reassure me but said that I'd either have to get used to it or leave - she was very clear that it was my problem to deal with and that any hint of unkindness like avoidance was absolutely not on (tbf I really didn't want to be unkind). So I quietly left.

A couple of years later I was in the same school and class as this child and it was fine and we actually became quite friendly. I'd basically grown up.

So yes, children do have fear reactions to difference sometimes through immaturity but it is not the job of parents to validate those feelings, it's their job to instruct and educate.

This is exactly my experience as a teacher of young children. A simple answer suffices.

@Testingthetimes
this is such a perfect message.

Trying to name change but no joy, so let me out myself by sharing a story.

my youngest was born with a wide - severe - bilateral cleft lip and palate, and even after major surgery had noticeable scarring, very prominent when she was a toddler.

we went in holiday to France when she was two, and an older little girl played with her lots at the pool. This girl, aged about six, waited till DH took DD to go down a slide, and then said to me “excuse me, but do you know you put your daughter’s lip on inside out?”

that description made me smile, but is proof that children are not scared and merely make innocent observations when they are small.

JFC

Wow, that’s absolutely disgusting that she messaged that. I’d be polite in your response (definitely sleep on it) but i’d be 100% letting her know that I found the message, about a family member of yours distasteful and pretty shocking. Did she really think you’d be messaging all the attendees to let them know and give them some lines to take when their DC had questions. I mean what would she say if she came across the same child randomly at soft play, she would answer her children’s questions that come up as factually as possible. The fact she said they were scared of your DC’s cousin is awful, I really would be wiping the floor with her when you do respond.

Thats just awful, I actually can’t believe someone would be so awful.

My friend’s daughter has a very noticeable visible difference and you wouldn’t believe the things people have said to her. It’s one thing kids being curious but surely adults should know better!

Not sure if anyone has mentioned it already but a great resource to direct this woman to is Changing Faces:

https://www.changingfaces.org.uk

I am very shocked and saddened that anyone would think to message this.

Her children will be fine next year though, won't they? What a nasty piece of work.

Probably best to ignore as she will likely start arguing back. Selfish people are never in the wrong...

Me too!

you are likely to be taking kids to the same schools for quite a few years and there's no need to point out the fact that she's an absolute idiot and is letting her children down!

Just be fairly neutral post a few links, basically what was said in the post

You can call her all the names you lie under your breath and you don't have to invite her to coffee or nights out or anything that you're arranging, but it's not her child's fault, so I wouldn't not invite her child to future events.

There are too many school years left to go to respond to her in the way that you and I would probably like to and many others have suggested!!

How absolutely disgusting! My friend had a baby with a bilateral cleft lip and palate. My kids were unsurprisingly not scared of him. Because they aren't being brought up by absolute dicks.

I am so angry on your behalf. How bloody DARE she??

Perfect response !
Disgusting vile woman .
Show her the responses on here too !