Party, child with visible difference

[donttake]

Was 8 year olds birthday party on Saturday,
Some school friends, some out of school friends and some family were invited. First time doing a mixed party like that and the different groups kind of kept together so Dd was a bit pulled around but otherwise everything went great .

One of DD’s cousins who was at the party has a significant facial difference, purely physical and had no effect of their behaviour or abilities. I’ve had a message from a school friends mother saying thank-you for the party, dc had a great time etc but that she would have appreciated a heads up about dd’s cousin. That her dc were scared and upset and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so could I give advice.

I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

I have no idea what to reply

I feel like other posters have summed this up brilliantly tbh. If you wanted to be the bigger person/throw her a bone you could point her in the direction of a book which helps kids learn about disabilities and differences. Surely this isn't the first time an 8 year old has seen someone who is physically different to them?! Mind-blowing that she hasn't ever considered how to speak to her children about it should the topic arise and even more boggling that she had the audacity to project any of that responsibility onto you.

Here are a few books we have

Included - https://amzn.eu/d/gwUb75f
All about diversity - https://amzn.eu/d/hNkedi6
All bodies are wonderful - https://amzn.eu/d/hNkedi6

Might be a bit young for 8 year olds though.

It's in no way your responsibility to send her these by the way, she should be doing that herself.

I agree. How absolutely disgusting.

Tell her to fuck the fuck off and fuck off some more. What a horrible, horrible person.

This is awful, I'm so sorry. The text message you quoted is absolutely perfect x

Obviously and of course her request about prior warning needs correcting but this is an opportunity for education not ripping shreds off someone

There was also a weather presenter on BBC a few years ago who had a withered arm with no visible hand. She was a really pretty girl who clearly knew her stuff and was very bubbly. She only appeared a few times and people complained. She was never on air again. Had it not been for the perceived ‘imperfection’ she would probably have been akin to Carol Kirkwood. Just reinforces how skewed the BBC’s priorities are.

Im all in favour of giving people the benefit of the doubt, but in this case I'm not entirely sure she was genuinely asking for advice.

I think it's a very pass agg message, almost telling you off for inviting her to the same party without warning her. (as if anyone needs a heads up for such a reason!)

First she said her child had a great time at the party. Then that her child was upset and scared ( well which was it?)

Asking for a heads up next time is, I think, just saying that she wants a heads up so that she knows not to attend.
Asking for your help to explain it to her children, is an entitled way of trying to make you feel bad that she has to explain it to them.

Horrid woman.

I was about to say the same about the CBeebies presenter.

i remember ds was CBeebies age at the time and did ask one day but a simple “some people are born like that, others maybe get ill or injured” type response was all he needed to go back about his normal viewing.

curiosity is normal but the important thing is how parents deal with that to a make it so someone being different in any way isn’t a big thing.

" You're right to be concerned that your failure to teach your children that some people look different has resulted in them being frightened by another child's appearance. I can see you'd want to address this oversight as soon as possible as its a very basic learning point for your children. The only advice i have is that you educate yourself. I'm sure you will find some simple resources on line to help you."

"I suggest that you tell your child that everyone is different, we are not all born the same and that difference is nothing to be afraid of. I hope she (and you) understand because I will not be putting out Parental Guidance Warnings about my niece / nephew on invitations"

I would love to believe those attitudes were dying out, but they’re getting worse if that woman is anything to go by!

Imagine not just being stupid enough to blurt it out thoughtlessly, but actually thinking about it afterwards and writing it down and sending it 😳

Send the message while your angry, dont be polite about it

I just feel that it could be clearly pointed out that it was an unreasonable request for prior warning and totally unnecessary but to point her in the direction of appropriate resources for the difference. I know of 2 families with a child with physical differences and they are both very clear on how they approach explanations when needed so this could be an opportunity to educate on the condition the way the parents of your dd cousin would agree with.

I would just give her the advice she asked for.

My advice to her would be sit down with her kids & explain that there’s differences between people, mental & physical.

Her kids might learn something. And so might she!

What a shame. People can be disgusting. I hope she got a better job.

Absolutely outrageous 😡 .

Christ, this is awful.

She clearly needs to hear the message that people with physical disabilities do not owe her or her children 'a warning' before going out in public.

With a FUCK YOU at the end!!

What a giant bitch!

There’s something to this, I agree. Avoidance of the issue means this parent doesn’t have to explain diversity. Which she’s clearly at the very least uncomfortable with, if not downright embarrassed. If she can’t explain diversity to her own children then she’s not much of a parent, and that’s not on OP.

it’s worrying you think that texting me this is in any way acceptable. Our job as parents is to equip our children to understand differences between people and have conversations with them when they need help and/or have questions. The fact that you don’t know how to have those conversations is a failure on your part. You need to take time to educate yourself so that you don’t continue to let your children down. Please seek help for this. I would recommend these two resources as a start…
Like I said, it is very worrying you felt it was ok to text me this. I really hope you can learn from this and never make this mistake again and offend anyone else. And obviously to help equip your children to navigate and enjoy the world.’

This is what I'd be telling her.

Really appalled anyone said that, or even thought it was in anyway acceptable to message you that. Whatever you say back will be fine. I would not hold back. I feel sorry for the kids for their lack of education with inclusivity from their parent.

In the time it took to message you, she could have googled some resources herself.

It reminds me of a children’s tv presenter who had an hand or arm missing and a Father wrote in complaining that his child was scared words fail me

I'm speechless. Glad the children had a great time at party

Enraged as I am, I do think this is a good response.

I might also be tempted to lean towards sarcasm.

Right, just so we’re clear ahead of next year as there may well be new children joining the school in the intervening months, can you confirm which of these will require a heads up in advance:

• broken arm (plaster cast)
• broken arm (plaster cast avoided)
• broken leg (crutches)
• broken leg (wheelchair)…

and make the list infinitely long.

I just couldn’t reply she doesn’t deserve your communication.