Party, child with visible difference

[donttake]

Was 8 year olds birthday party on Saturday,
Some school friends, some out of school friends and some family were invited. First time doing a mixed party like that and the different groups kind of kept together so Dd was a bit pulled around but otherwise everything went great .

One of DD’s cousins who was at the party has a significant facial difference, purely physical and had no effect of their behaviour or abilities. I’ve had a message from a school friends mother saying thank-you for the party, dc had a great time etc but that she would have appreciated a heads up about dd’s cousin. That her dc were scared and upset and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so could I give advice.

I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

I have no idea what to reply

YANBU. Why the fuck have these people procreated? Would have been a perfect opportunity to talk about what makes us human (ie. emotions, likes and dislikes as opposed to physical fucking features).

If my DC had said anything I would have (kindly, but) quickly shut them down, told them that it's unkind to talk about looks and to think whether the cousin might not also be scared about meeting new people, then to focus on who they were inside instead of looking at what's outside.

Sorry to swear twice but I'm truly amazed. There's validating a child's feelings and then there's recognising an important learning opportunity.

That may be so but, thankfully, l’ve never yet seen threads on MN telling the parents of disabled children that they should allow them to be dehumanised so that other parents can use them as teaching opportunities for their own kids. Which is essentially what this woman meant by a ‘heads up’.

Some people have such a weird attitude about this! Years ago my friend who uses a wheelchair came to visit me, stayed for a couple of hours for a chat and tea/biscuits etc. I was living in a flat share with two people who I didn’t know before I moved in (London). After my friend had left, they both hassled me about it, saying I should have told them in advance that “someone in a wheelchair” was coming over! I’m still flabbergasted by it now, I just don’t get why they would have needed to know in advance?! How did it affect them whatsoever?

The OP is not the mother of the child, she is the aunt and the party host. If my child had been invited to a party and the host had sent a ‘heads up’ to other guests I would have felt that my child was being othered and patronised.

I think that's a really important point. If it was my child and their cousin's mother had contacted the parents of all the invited children to give them a trigger warning, I'd be absolutely furious. It would seem as though she was essentially apologising for having my child there

@GeneralPeter
I think you’re confusing me with someone else, because I didn’t use the word “monstrous” and
never would in the context of disability!!

I've read quite a few threads about children with challenging behaviour/conditions like autism/adhd, and I don't recall a response like the one you describe.

Wow this is both terribly sad to read and absolutely disgusting on the part of that parent.
Id corner her in the school playground and very loudly explain to her what an absolute prat she is. She needs to realise if her child is frightened of anyone that’s different, she’s 1. Not doing a good job as a mother, and 2. Bringing up a child that’s going to be frightened of its own shadow and as nasty a human being as she is.

I wouldn’t be nice about it either!

Outrageous for children to admit the truth that they were scared by someone who looked really different? Of course not, do not be stupid. This is very normal indeed for children and they WILL definitely notice if someone looks scary to them and WILL almost certainly comment on it and they DO have a right to their feelings.

Your desire to adjust reality won't change that.

Outraged because of her message?

Nah. No faux outrage required. You just say sorry your kids were scared, hopefully now they will have a better understanding that just because someone looks different does not mean there is anything to be scared of.

But sure if you want to pretend to be outraged by someone saying something a bit insensitive and harming literally nobody by doing so so you can virtue signal your massive superiority, go for it.

That way you can be sure not to reach her and make sure any fears or biases she has are reinforced.

@whynot2025Nah. No faux outrage required. You just say sorry your kids were scared
What?! You actually think @donttake should apologise for DNs appearance?! WTF!
No 'faux' outrage here. A family member has a visible difference and my outrage is not 'faux' I was upset enough thinking someone could consider doing this to them. For it to actually happen to op, is devastating.

And your whole post @whynot2025 is condescending 'virtual signalling'.

Isn't it great I neither said nor implied that.

Not so great you can't read and make up fantasies, but there you go.

Nah. Your reading comprehension is very poor, or you just like trying to argue with people when you know you are completely wrong.

Nobody did anything to her relative.

Nothing. Not one thing.

Some children had feelings you consider unacceptable and an adult messaged HER and was a bit insensitive.

If the Daily Mail picks this up, as they often do, the little girl who is her relative may find out about it and that would be very distressing.

But the OP will have done that, not the woman who messaged her.

If she’s asking for advice I’d reply and say

“at age 8 you should have long since had a conversation with your children about differences and treating everyone the same regardless of appearance, we focus on respect and kindness. Please research your own resources on this topic as we covered this years ago”

Don't disclose the condition, it's none of her business to know a childs medical personal information. To be "accepted" in society, we shouldn't have to hash out private medical information to be deemed a condition is "acceptable" this parent will have to learn to accept people as they are and not based on an information gathering exercise.

The children would only be upset by learned behaviour in this case.
I have disabled family members, one of which paralysed and non verbal. Children are naturally very accepting and my childs initial reaction was curiosity the first time and then just playing. They react that young mainly from their parents reactions to gauge what's safe or not. Children are curious not automatically scared by difference..else they would never develop as everything in the world is different to a baby/toddler then child.

I can't believe an adult would think this was acceptable..its horrifying. I like what a PP suggested. Say nothing but send inclusivity, diversity links, perhaps in an easily digestable toddler format.

I would send a message letting her know that in your opinion, it would be ideal if adults could handle an encounter with your nephew with as much grace and compassion as the children at the party did - even hers - and see past differences to the humanity beneath.

So why the just say sorry your kids were scared
Why need to say 'sorry'?

Nope. It’s well-documented that young children often feel fear or discomfort around visible disabilities, This is a perfectly natural response to differences. Studies and observations support this.

Research from the American Psychological Association highlights how children often react with anxiety or avoidance when encountering physical differences, like visible disabilities, especially if they haven’t been exposed to them before (source: APA, "Children's Reactions to Physical Disability").

Another study from the Journal of Developmental and Physical Disabilities notes that kids aged 3-6 frequently show hesitation or fear toward peers with visible impairments, such as limb differences or wheelchair use, until they’re taught otherwise (source: Journal of Developmental and Physical Disabilities, Vol. 22, 2010).

This aligns with broader child psychology findings—kids often fear what they don’t understand. Exposure and education tend to reduce this over time.

The children responded age appropriately and entirely normally. The mother was a bit insensitive and should have educated them quietly without texting the OP.

And the OP had the choice to react like a normal, adult person and use it as a teachable moment, ignore it, shrug and move on, or go mental and shout about it.

By going mental and shouting about it the OP will ensure that the woman doubles down on her biases. Here's hoping the OP will not do that.

scholar.google.co.uk/scholar_url?url=citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document%3Frepid%3Drep1%26type%3Dpdf%26doi%3D68c31b14eee75d51c2604db137667e8fa1e07539&hl=en&sa=X&ei=W9--Z8GZHZuoieoP1dTzuQg&scisig=AFWwaeYTzHiDm5pcFNNvjRTYPGDT&oi=scholarr

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy

going to bat for the woman scared by a child with a facial difference isn’t really a good look.

I think you’ve misunderstood the OP, and also me. But I’ve written quite a few posts now so I’m not sure what I can add.

I would say though that prioritizing what’s a ‘good look’ for an adult is exactly what concerns me about the more extreme condemnatory posts on here. It’s cheap moral satisfaction for spectators on MN, about an issue that’s complex in real life.

Next time your child does something you wish they’d learned not to (or even, does something that you’d wished you’d taught them about), is this how you hope you will be treated?

@sweetpickle2

what?? I am not a parent so forgive me but do parents really not teach in general terms like “take care when out” and “inappropriate touch is wrong”? Really???

Yes, really. To explain what you mean by inappropriate touch you have to be more specific. And ‘take care when out’ is far too vague to be useful.

Or course as the child ages you can speak more in abstractions, but almost always you teach the principles by teaching specifics, then drawing broader lessons from them.

It wasn't a silly question. Why should anyone have to apologise for a condition their relative has?