Party, child with visible difference

[donttake]

Was 8 year olds birthday party on Saturday,
Some school friends, some out of school friends and some family were invited. First time doing a mixed party like that and the different groups kind of kept together so Dd was a bit pulled around but otherwise everything went great .

One of DD’s cousins who was at the party has a significant facial difference, purely physical and had no effect of their behaviour or abilities. I’ve had a message from a school friends mother saying thank-you for the party, dc had a great time etc but that she would have appreciated a heads up about dd’s cousin. That her dc were scared and upset and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so could I give advice.

I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

I have no idea what to reply

I would have have replied "excuse me?" A parent's job is to encourage exclusivity and if ou have failed to do that then I'm sure school can suggest some appropriate parenting courses

Also brilliant 😂

I agree. She has no right to know.
Her daughter doesn't need to know the reason either.

I am appalled op and I don't think you owe this lady a response but equally I can see that picking one once you feel calmer may feel cathartic.

I cannot even imagine the mindset of someone who thinks this is ok.

Oh yes I like that

Totally depends. Let’s think it through:

Do you think the unreasonable thing was for the parent to have wished she could have discussed it with her children first?

Do you think the unreasonable thing was for her to have told you that was her wish?

I think a lot of posters here are jumping off the deep end, as if the adult had said she found this child frightening/disgusting/whatever.

All I can see in your post is that she said her children found it frightening etc. and she wished she could have managed that.

This does feel a bit like applying adult norms to what is at base a child’s reaction. Or alternatively saying that these things are recognised (that a child might find this frightening) but the important thing is that adults should not be made awkward about it.

Well either the child had a great time or she was scared and upset! She can’t be both - I suspect this is more the mother than the child, children tend to be very accepting of differences until society/family/friends teaches them otherwise.
I honestly don’t think there is a polite reply, so I would ignore it. Whatever you say is not going to reeducate this woman if she thinks that’s it’s ok to say that.

In other words, which is more important:

a) children get appropriate chat beforehand, don’t feel scared, don’t act scared, child in question doesn’t get othered. But adults have to have awkward (to adults) conversations.

or

b) children don’t get appropriate chat beforehand, feel scared, act scared, child in question gets othered. But adults get to avoid awkward conversations.

At the very least it’s not obvious that b is better. Certainly I don’t think it’s monstrous, (appalling, evil, etc adjectives used here) to prefer a.

I’d be interested to hear from people who think b is better why it is better.

I am interested why you think an and b are the only options.

We have a family member with facial disfigurement. If someone asks me politely I might tell them the reason for it but if they are annoying I would just say that they are a pirate. It is not the job of people with differences to have to explain those to everyone else. I would ignore this woman. I wouldn’t dignify her text with an answer.

Also for the record not one child has ever been scared upset of our family member. Kids are usually the most accepting of these things.

Or c) raise your kids to not be scared of people just because they are different

@Bellyblueboy well of course in theory they are not the only options. With hindsight, there’s a c) in which those chats have already happened or a d) in which the chats were unnecessary.

But we are responding to a specific case in the AIBU where a) happened and the parent wished that b) had happened.

So those are the two relevant ones here. The people responding that this is appalling are reading the same AIBU as me. So theirs is a judgment between a and b too.

Certainly, yes. And if you as a parent had failed to have that specific chat about facial disfigurement by that given age, would you be a monster? Or would it just be one more on a long list of things that we want to bring our children up to learn. And would you be evil for wishing you had had that chat before rather than after the party?

(I’m not really pushing back against MNers who are saying Not Unreasonable. I’m pushing back against the MNers who are painting the other parent as the devil. That feels far too convenient to me. Nice adult acceptable dinner party norms, to what is basically about children and their sensibilities and development).

Who is talking about a specific chat about facial disfigurement? I’m talking about teaching children not to be scared of people who are different, regardless of what the specifics of that different person are. That is your responsibility as a parent, it’s not the responsibility of everyone else on earth to give you a heads up on every specific type of visible difference that your children might encounter.

And yes send a text berating the OP for not giving her a heads up makes her a monster, in my opinion.

Well yes. So which is better: kid has to explain or be treated as other, or the situation doesn’t arise because the parents have had the appropriate chats first.

One of the answers to that seems to prioritise the experience of the child with the disfigurement, the other seems to prioritise the comfort of the adults without.

a) children get appropriate chat beforehand, don’t feel scared, don’t act scared, child in question doesn’t get othered. But adults have to have awkward (to adults) conversations.

@GeneralPeter Lets think things through a bit more.

Yes, the child does get othered. Talked about behind their back, singled out as someone that other people think they should warn others about. Without agency , without a voice.

There is nothing in the OP’s account of the party to indicate that the child in question was in any way ‘scared’.

But the children are eight years old so should have a modicum of understanding.

They might have mentioned it to their mother after the party, at which point it would be an ideal opportunity for the mother to discuss disabilities with them.

Nah sorry. This sounds like the child who witnessed the facial disfigurement is more disadvantaged than the child who actually has it. It was apparent from their involvement in the party that this disfigurement had no impact on the child's ability to enjoy the party or participate so it's our job as parents when curious child asks about the situation to explain it in clear factual terms...'that little girl was born like that" or whatever. The end..you don't need to know the ins and outs its not your business.. what was OP to say to parents in advance .."Dear all.. my niece has a facial disfigurement due to x reason please do not be concerned..she can participate in the party as normal.. thank you". How bizarre would that be ?

Just send her a pass agg thumbs up. She has behaved appalingly. Your relative deserves better than being judged by people like her, so she's off the social list, and if that includes her child, she needs to think about that.

Unless this is the first time her kids have ever left home, they might literally see a disabled or disfigured person anywhere. If she thinks her kids will be unsettled by it, but hasn't addressed it yet, she has little respect for either those people or her kids.

I agree. Again, I know it's not remotely the same, but with my autism example upthread (having a friend disclose my autism to another person as a 'warning' prior to meeting me), I definitely felt othered when I found out. I do occasionally get comments on my social interactions, stims, atypical behaviours etc, and I would much, much, rather that than have a friend warn someone about my condition ever again. It feels dehumanising.
Yes, the child in question is only 8, but that's no guarantee that they won't overhear, or see something on a phone, or hear a mum going 'look that's the little girl we talked about, go and say hi'. And when do you stop warning people before they go to social situations? When they're 10? 12? 15? It's absurd. Disabled children have a right to privacy, and to not be talked about behind their backs unnecessarily. In this situation it sounds from the OP as if the woman's children didn't express any shock or question the child in question, so it's likely adult discomfort with at most having to answer some questions afterwards.

@DeepFatFried OK, I think half of your answer is a fair point, the other not.

Yes, there is nothing in the OP that says that the child with the disfigurement was scared (nor in my post). We know it was reported that some of children were scared, and I’m filling in dots to think that being around people who are scared of your appearance is probably not great. But you are right: maybe the kid is fine with that.

But I disagree that having the chat between adults is ‘othering’ in a negative sense (Actually, I’m saying something even weaker: that wanting to have that conversation is not monstrous). I think that’s a bit too convenient: the adults get to avoid an awkward chat though, so I can see why it appeals.

It is othering. It normalises warning people about the child's existence. At some point they'll find out, and feel shit.
The use of monstruous here is quite ironic, given the history of ideas of monstruosity, disfigurement, and disability.

Yes, I think the older the children are in the scenario the more it becomes unreasonable. (Though I cannot agree with ‘monstrous’, though I recognise you aren’t saying that).

My priorities run like this:

1. the child with the disfigurement (because they may have to put up with this a lot) — a lot.
2. the other children, who were (we are told) scared — quite a lot. They aren’t really to blame here (changes as they age).
3. the adults — not really at all. It’s part of parenting that we have to navigate awkward issues and that’s the deal. Your social niceties come last in the list.

With the priority list above, I think the best time to have the convo is before the party not after (though after is better than never).

If anything, I'd be tempted to send a "😳🤔" because I fucking couldn't sum up my feelings in words.

As a parent with young kids and I've had the "mammy why does that little girl have a...or in a..." and I've just said people look different, have different needs and have different abilities. It really doesn't have to be anymore complicated than that. Shame on that woman.

What the fuck.