Party, child with visible difference

[donttake]

Was 8 year olds birthday party on Saturday,
Some school friends, some out of school friends and some family were invited. First time doing a mixed party like that and the different groups kind of kept together so Dd was a bit pulled around but otherwise everything went great .

One of DD’s cousins who was at the party has a significant facial difference, purely physical and had no effect of their behaviour or abilities. I’ve had a message from a school friends mother saying thank-you for the party, dc had a great time etc but that she would have appreciated a heads up about dd’s cousin. That her dc were scared and upset and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so could I give advice.

I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

I have no idea what to reply

I would ignore the woman who sent the message. Delete it and block her. And I would be icy cold from now on if you run into her. Silence is a lot more powerful than people realize sometimes.

People are always judgemental about anything that is different. People also think that it is appropriate to be rude about said differences. This doesn't make it OK.

I was a child with a very visible facial difference. People's attitudes towards me were generally hostile up until the difference was 'fixed'. Up until that point, receiving horrified stares was my version of normal. My looks might have been 'fixed', but my confidence was shattered.

Please defend your niece/nephew, OP! They deserve much better than being expected to come with a trigger warning before meeting new people.

Do not invite them again. Problem solved.

As the mother of a son with cerebal palsy, so obvious physical differences, as somone who works at a food pub popular with service users at the local residential home, and good friends since school with a woman who has a condition that caused a severe facial growth, I know this type of person well. I would say that ime what the mother was saying was

"I am afraid of disability as I am ignorant and dont know how to deal with it. I am the person who wont catch the eye of the wheelchair user and will talk to their companion, I am the person who will scuttle out of the way when a person with a learning disability starts to smile at me. I am the person who sees a service user with autism out for lunch with their carer and will go somewhere else instead. I am the person who will complain to management about disabled children frightening my child, when my child is fine and it is me that is frightened. I am angry that I didnt have the opportunity to avoid this child that I am frightened of and I am blaming you for my fear, not myself for my ignorance."

I think that the message posted above is perfect.

But you can't have a trigger warning every time you leave the house. What would happen if you saw someone with a difference unexpectedly in Tesco with no prior warning? How will children learn to handle it if they are not taught about it in a natural environment?

If the child in question asked the mum when she got home that would have been an ideal learning experience, the mum doesn't need the ins and outs she could just have explained that people look different and there was nothing to worry about. Noone is upset and everyone carries on.

This parent is behaving immaturely/inapproproately. Most of the “f off” responses on here would be doing likewise. I’d simply say that it would be far better to have a sensible chat with your children about how some people in society might look/behave a bit different and how we should behave towards them, rather than expecting a heads up on their behalf prior to any encounter with any different people.

I love the way MN is suddenly enraged at someone being dispicsble to a disabled child.
Yet if some poor sod posts for advice about her autistic or adhd child with challenging behaviour all the witches come out because children with "that" type of disability don't deserve sympathy and "it must be to do with the parenting"

What a vile human being

Good grief her chuildren don't stand a chance!!!

That's insane. Tell her to teach her kids not everyone is the same and can be different looking

Please send me that awful mum's address so I can post a shit through her door

That's awful; I'm so sorry.

The parent should have responded to her "scared and upset" children by briskly saying "Yes, some people look different or aren't exactly like us, and that's life. They're just the same as everyone else inside, and they deserve people to be nice to them because their lives aren't always as easy as ours. What shall we have for dinner?"

IOW she needed to talk to her children, not email you!!!

Her children probably weren’t even scared. As happened with the cebeebies presenter with part of her arm missing. It was the parents who had a problem not the children.

I’d send her a link to this thread. She needs to understand that her comment is so far out of line it’s unreal. Your reply,
on its own, won’t be enough I imagine.

She is a vile excuse for a human being.

Those suggesting that a heads up would actually have been good, no. Absolutely not.
FWIW I don't have a facial difference, I'm a wheelchair user so get a bit of the Looks but not in the same way.
But when I was at uni a friend/ housemate had a friend from home staying, and she 'warned' the friend from home that I'm autistic beforehand. This was actually before I had a formal diagnosis, and I'd managed just fine (in an autistic way obviously) meeting people without them being pre-warned for the previous 20 years of my life. It was meant well, but I was really very hurt, as it implied that this person would find me shocking or uncomfortable to be around without a chance to prepare themself. It is not a good feeling, and certainly not one that this child or their parents should have to experience. It wouldn't reduce the number of potential stares, and anyway by 8 most kids should have been taught not to comment out loud on other people's bodies. Toddlers and preschoolers get taught not to say things like 'why is that lady so fat?' or 'why doesn't that man have any hair?', that needs to be extrapolated to visible disabilities and differences - yes, even if they've never come across it before, it can be part of the 'we don't make comments on other people's bodies' chats.

She sounds horrible.

Her message makes no sense anyway - if "dc had a great time etc" Then it isn't possible that "dc were scared and upset"

I'm not quite sure what I'd respond with other than something along the lines of at no point did their DC appear in any way upset or scared, and that if she doesn’t know how to deal with it (cousin's facial difference) your advice is that the family continue to socialise with people that are different from us, as yours do, as there's absolutely no stigma in looking different. If she's looking to explain why (and she hasn't said this, and me being petty would push back to find out if that's what she mean) then you're sure that there are a wealth of resources available that can be used to explain thing using child-appropriate language.

I do think the fact she thought she was in the right to even send that message /think that stuff, means she is not someone who will listen to reason or take any criticism of her behavior. Don't waste your time.

I think the message from this woman shows how much ignorance continues to exist. As others have said, it's not strange that her children might have had questions. But if she can't come up with an answer to her children on the fly when the child is at a party and related to the party girl, how on earth will she cope when she's at a coffee shop and her child asks about the child in the queue with one eye, or in a wheelchair or whatever? Expecting "warnings" is the epitome of over-protective parenting that doesn't actually help children at all.

World is full of utter twats. Unfortunately, they're fertile and then we're forced to interact with them!

What a fucking prick op
Good luck with responding

Would you extend your dislike of 'warnings' to all the other ones that seem obligatory these days? I tend to agree. But I don't pillory the mum here too viciously for falling in with the modern overprotective trend.

I don't know, what other "warnings" are you referring to? I have a good friend with a severely disabled child. We had planned a trip to their city and yes, I'd have told DS in advance. I certainly would not expect the friend to pre-warn others. There's a subtle but important difference - it's reasonable for me as DS' mum to consider where I can and should prepare him for things if I can. But it's completely unreasonable for me to feel upset becuase someone else did nt tell me that a child with a difference would be at a party.

Having said that, I definitely do tend to think that endless trigger warnings are a bit silly. we all need to learn resilience and to be sufficiently robust to cope with perfectly normal, well-meaning interactions, even if they negatively impact us.

“ I’m not sure I can give advice on how to be a decent human being. Perhaps google it?”

I just don’t think I could reply. But then she obviously thinks she is reasonable to ask this and she may take no answer as some sort of agreement on your part that you got it wrong. So I would collect the best responses from here and fashion one to send or..

This next paragraph sounds offensive but it questions how does this woman think life would work in her version of reality: You could ask her, if her child were unfortunate to be disfigured, like any of ours could, by a fire etc, if she would ring ahead to Tesco for them to tannoy the customers just incase there were children who may be upset by her child’s face at the checkout. Or would she wear a placard with a medical explanation for her child’s appearance perhaps? Or ban her child from stepping out of the house or looking out of front windows? When you spell out to her the alternatives, they are so outrageous and offensive there’s a good argument that they would break human rights laws.

Another alternative to point out to this woman messaging you, is that it’s her problem and she could deal with this by never leaving the house herself. She can send her children with someone else to enjoy parties and everyday life. As she said, her children had a great time.

The only thing that may have happened (clutching at straws here) is that her children made a comment or did something and the woman was embarrassed about how her children (and her parenting) were perceived by those who overheard. Which would be a bit ironic in the context of her message. If she’s trying to change the narrative it’s still all about her.

OP I hope you feel comforted by the fact most of us have the same visceral reaction you had. Don't let it spoil the party memories.

I would reply passive aggressively and say something like.

Hi Janet… It would not even cross my mind to ‘warn’ people that other children at the party might be from different cultures, have different skin colours or have a disability or disfigurement, I automatically assume that all parents bring their children up to embrace differences and to be kind.

I remember all the nasty comments from parents worried about the CBBC presenter ‘scaring’ their children because she only had one arm…. My DD watched her daily, didn’t bat an eyelid… suddenly one day she inquisitively asked ‘what happened to that ladies other arm mummy?’ And she asked if it would grow back…. I explained in a very simple way that we are all born different and some people only have one arm, or no arms, or legs that don’t work etc… she simply said ‘ah ok mummy!’ And went back to watching…

I have to say as a mother if my daughter came home from a party ‘scared’ because someone had a large birth mark covering their face or whatever, I would simply say that there is nothing to be scared of and that that little child had just been born that way or had an accident or whatever but that we should not judge someone by their appearance and that the child is exactly like them and not scary at all… the fact she needs to ask for advice on how to deal
with her child screams to me that she seriously lacks those communication/parenting skills!