Party, child with visible difference

[donttake]

Was 8 year olds birthday party on Saturday,
Some school friends, some out of school friends and some family were invited. First time doing a mixed party like that and the different groups kind of kept together so Dd was a bit pulled around but otherwise everything went great .

One of DD’s cousins who was at the party has a significant facial difference, purely physical and had no effect of their behaviour or abilities. I’ve had a message from a school friends mother saying thank-you for the party, dc had a great time etc but that she would have appreciated a heads up about dd’s cousin. That her dc were scared and upset and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so could I give advice.

I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

I have no idea what to reply

You genuinely think that children asking those kind of intrusive questions is normal? Is understandable? What kind of upbringing are you subjecting your children to FFS? Teaching them to be kind, courteous and polite is surely a better approach!

Do your children approach everyone who is not uniformly "ordinary" with a barrage of questions? The older person, the person of colour, the larger person, the smaller person, the person with scars, the person missing a limb, the person using a walking aid, the person with a learning disability?

This is possibly the most offensive post on the thread. Elephant Man ???? Really ???? ‘Mary’ should be taken for the person she is, not how she looks. What is wrong with you that you can’t see that ??

What is this comment......my jaw was already at ground level, now I fear it's gone further

Going to be devil's advocate here. I would not have messaged you like this woman has, however depending on how severe the facial deformity is I might have advised attendees beforehand, and if I'd received the heads up I would use it as an opportunity to explore the issue with my kids. You just don't know how some kids will react.

No, absolutely not. But they'll be THINKING them, won't they? Then went home and discussed it with Mum. Who was caught on the hop and responded, not as diplomatically as she might have, but not as evilly as the Mumsnet Cancel Machine is making out.

If you can't handle being asked about someone's facial difference without warning by your own child then that is your problem and nobody else's.

Maybe you should keep your children at home if they can't cope seeing someone different to them, and the rest of us can just get on with life in peace.

No-one has suggested the children couldn't cope, or behaved badly at the party. But it's ok for them to have questions?

I mean this is perfect really. Or I would entirely ignore it and not reply. I'd be prepared for the fall out from that.

The behaviour is so wrong on all levels. The utter disrespect and disregard towards you is my first observation. Does she think you are her gimp. No reply signals perfectly that you are not and this is not appropriate. The suggested reply adds a little boot in for added measure which she may need depending on how cunty she is.

This is not about the child. This is faux horror and concern from some cuntchop who seeks control for some reason.

What has that got to do with the OP?

If your child has questions, answer them. What difference does having a 'heads up' make, unless your assumption is that a facial difference is something horrendous that needs to be excused or explained.

If a parent doesn’t know how to explain to her child ( and hasn’t done so by about 8-ish) that people often look different to each other for many reasons and that we always treat everyone with respect, should they really be a parent?

Same! I’d be furious!!!!

So basically you’re the same as the woman OP encountered. You want a trigger warning on the invitation. The child involved was eight. Old enough for the parent to have broached the subject of diversity with them. And, incidentally, old enough for the child with the facial difference to feel hurt and insulted that her peers needed a heads up because they are so difficult to look at !!

Having grown up with a sibling with serious facial and corporeal scarring I know all too well that people like her exist. She’s trying to gratify her own curiosity with a veil of faux concern / confusion. “What on earth did I just read? You want some advice you say? Be a better human. Think about what you’re actually asking, and how discriminatory, callous and disrespectful you’re being. If you and your kids are so precious about visible differences may I suggest the issue is actually your problem to work through and solve, and nobody else’s.”

Possibly.

And if a member of my family posted a blurred out pic of my kid (actually please explain how you would anonymously disguise a face…) in order to satisfy the curiosity of posters, or for them to judge and discuss whether my child looked so terrifying that their presence required a trigger warning, I would probably kill them.

Metaphorically, obviously.

Oh wow, that's shocking. I'd be tempted to reply something like "sorry, can you be more specific? What is it you think i should have told you in advance?" and make her actually think about what she's asking here!

No one’s suggesting that it’s not OK for the children to have questions. That’s not what’s happening here. By the age of eight the child should have been equipped to take the facial difference in their stride. The fact that they weren’t is on the parent. The parent who wanted a heads up for herself. Not her child.

So you could sign her up for some parenting online lesson and send her the sign in 😏

But then you should really not expect an invitation back.

✌️

I understand that a child seeing another child with a facial disfigurement for the first time might be concerned but a reassuring word from the parent would sort it out there and then.

She's an idiot. Tell her to go and watch the film Mask 1985 with her children.

%3D

It's fine to have questions, noone is saying kids can't ask or be curious. My daughter gets asked about hers by children all the time which is fine, she answers the questions and everyone moves on, it upsets her but that's life unfortunately and part of her learning to deal with something that will be lifelong. The text OP got was nothing like that.

People saying some preparation might have been helpful, like all kids with visible differences should have a trigger warning before they leave the house instead of just dealing with things as they arise in an age appropriate way is not on and I'm surprised you can't see why that would upset some people.

Bollocks. You don’t ask for a heads up as to whether someone disabled will be attending the same party as your own child. Equipping them to deal with diversity is down to the parent, not the one issuing the invitation.

The schoolfriend’s mother needs to grow up.

My 11 year old son has a facial difference. He has had some horrific comments and reactions, mostly from people old enough to know better.

And the one time I thought I was going to get a rude comment about his face from a 4 year old but it turned out she was just judging me for dressing him in a baby grow during the day .

My son doesn't come with a warning. I'm not going to let people know about his difference before they meet him so they can be prepared. He is who he is and it's a privilege to be his mum.

This. It's the asking for a heads up, a trigger warning basically, that is the worst bit.

I absolutely see why it would upset some people. But we live in an age of excessive ‘trigger warnings’. Want me to dig up some mumsnet threads where the mob turned on someone who FAILED to protect everyone’s DC from something potentially unsettling?