Party, child with visible difference

[donttake]

Was 8 year olds birthday party on Saturday,
Some school friends, some out of school friends and some family were invited. First time doing a mixed party like that and the different groups kind of kept together so Dd was a bit pulled around but otherwise everything went great .

One of DD’s cousins who was at the party has a significant facial difference, purely physical and had no effect of their behaviour or abilities. I’ve had a message from a school friends mother saying thank-you for the party, dc had a great time etc but that she would have appreciated a heads up about dd’s cousin. That her dc were scared and upset and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so could I give advice.

I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

I have no idea what to reply

That's a her problem and she would be getting told in no uncertain terms how awful she is !

"oh it never occurred to me a child this old wouldn't have been taught to be understanding, accepting and not afraid of those with differences."

I had a mum ask another to remove a facially disfigured child from a kid’s party ‘as he’s upsetting my child’ - thankfully the mum asked HER to leave as her child appeared to be the only one bothered. It reminds me of the hoohah when there was a woman with half an arm on children’s’ TV and there were a sizeable minority of mums who objected saying ‘my child is not ready for disability yet’ :-////

For, God’s sake, put the noose away! She didn’t say ‘How dare you expose my kids to this monstrosity!’ But they were taken by surprise, and she feels some preparation might have been a good idea. You know, like those warnings at the front of tv shows if anything un-anodyne is going to be shown.

"Does it hurt?". "Will it get better?". "Is it catching?". Perfectly reasonable topics to get out of the way before they carry on with the main job of treating them like a normal (but somewhat non-standard) human being.

Hi school friend, thanks for your message. I really appreciate you outing yourself as a scumbag. Please allow me to assure you this won't happen again because there won't be a next time as you won't be invited.

OK maybe you don't want to send that but I just wanted to add my support to your thread

What does she do when she goes out in public?
Does she cover their eyes?

Instead of being it a teachable moment for her children she wrote you that??

Id be inclined to write that all parents should be warned about her!

"You know, like those warnings at the front of tv shows if anything un-anodyne is going to be shown."

The hell are you talking about? A child with a facial difference doesn't need a bloody trigger warning!!

Preparation for what, exactly? People with disabilities/visible differences exist and adult parents should not need a heads up on the off chance that their dc might {shock, horror} have to see one. It should be part of normal parenting, to educate your child that some people are born with xyz, and they are people first. They are not a threat and/or scary and you shouldn't need to do any type of preparation work in order to feel that this is acceptable.

No, that's bollocks.
If she really had to message about that, she could/should have said something like, 'My kids were asking about X's facial difference and I've realised I don't know if there's a specific/correct name that I can tell them.'
I'd be incandescent. I'm not sure I'd ever be able to send a civil response. I certainly wouldn't be able to do it for quite some time. Good luck, OP!

Translated - I agree with the objecting mum.

’Preparing’ someone for encountering someone with a disfigurement? This is next level. In my experience, kids will be straight up and honest and ask what happened but will lose interest thereafter and carry on as normal

Did you reply in the end OP?

Wow. Not nice at all. I would be upset too about that. Bearing in mind you have to spend the rest of the school years alongside this perskn I might not go in all blazing but certainly explain a few things to her.

Exactly and why do you need to explain the medical term anyway. Some people have facial disfigurement, disabilities etc. Pretty sure I taught my kids to be respectful of that from a young age without needing to explain every medical term

Difficult to comment (I haven't read whole thread, sorry). But if the "visually different" child was noticeably extremely different (I'm thinking Elephant Man), then a note of information might've been useful?:-

"I'd just like to make you aware that Mary, from X's class, is coming to the party. Mary has a condition called (e.g. vitiligo - not that that's totally unusual, just for an illustration), which means that she has brown & white patches on her face, making her look a bit unusual. I hope this preparatory-info will be useful to you. So that meeting Mary will be just an ordinary experience for everyone. Mary will appreciate this, too."

Before doing this, I'd check with "Mary's" parents about their views & take their advice.

with this kind of person I would reply in a passive aggressive way polite but mean coz it infuriates people and she deserves it make her feel stupid send her some articles about teaching kids that not everyone looks the same but everyone deserves respect and you won’t be apologetic about your nephew ever or warn people about anything .

The woman's text was horrendous and this reply isn't much better.

You cannot seriously be comparing a facial difference to a content warning on a TV show?

"normal (but somewhat non-standard) human being" is disgusting as well.

Why does the OP need to, what difference would it make?

I agree that the woman was being a twat but posters saying stuff like this is confusing me.

I've never met anyone with a "significant facial difference" in my 40 years (& I've done public facing jobs) so I don't really get how this would come up in conversation with kids.

My daughter has asked about things she sees more often, e.g. people in wheelchairs, and I've obviously explained it & now she won't mention it.

I can see how kids would be scared/fascinated seeing someone with the more unusual facial differences.

Agree it is not OP's job to educate that twat mum though. She can just google it and tell her kids to get over it surely.

Is this for real?

What on earth

Karen - I am shocked, angry and heartbroken all at the same time. I have typed and retyped a response to your outrageous message but I can’t find the words to
fully address the cruelty and ignorance you have shown here . Please be assured I will not be inviting you to any future social occasions.

Good grief, are you serious? What an abhorrent post.

Nope. None of this. Not at all. You’re talking ableist, discriminatory bollocks.