Party, child with visible difference

[donttake]

Was 8 year olds birthday party on Saturday,
Some school friends, some out of school friends and some family were invited. First time doing a mixed party like that and the different groups kind of kept together so Dd was a bit pulled around but otherwise everything went great .

One of DD’s cousins who was at the party has a significant facial difference, purely physical and had no effect of their behaviour or abilities. I’ve had a message from a school friends mother saying thank-you for the party, dc had a great time etc but that she would have appreciated a heads up about dd’s cousin. That her dc were scared and upset and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so could I give advice.

I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

I have no idea what to reply

I sincerely hope that dreadful woman is a Mumsnet member and reads this thread.

This reminds me of something I came across some years ago. A young woman who only had haff of one arm, ie it stopped just below the elbow, was in the entertainment industry and presented a children's programme.

A parent wrote in and complained about her, saying his children were traumatised by seeing this.

I was absolutely appalled by the parent's attitude, imagine if it was their daughter. She was a lovely girl too, quite capable and good fun; she ahd been born like that, had tried prostheses but decided she could manage better without - and she did.

Honestly, some people.

Omg. I'd be seething. Actually don't even know how I'd deal with that but you've had some great suggestions upthread.

My son was born with a congenital facial anomaly which made him look very noticably different, it has since been operated on - but if anyone had ever blamed us for the fact that their children found his face scary and upsetting I can't even imagine how livid I would be.

My worst experience was a woman asking what happened to him and crying over the way his face looked in the middle of a shopping centre - even though it was out of kindness/related to cultural difference I still remember feeling really uncomfortable and patronised. People can be so thoughtless.

Ah nice, hello from a violist :-)

I’d have a different response if the OP was this kid’s parent, and I get it about the venting, but I think it’s amazing how many people suggest going to the most reactive response, as though that doesn’t have any consequences. I think it has to do with letting out a bunch of other tensions on a convenient scapegoat, and it contributes to the general negativity in the world. I was horrified by the woman’s question too but if you ask yourself if you can do better than respond aggressively, and you find that you can, I’d recommend that path in all cases. She was insensitive, ignorant and inappropriate, that’s it.

I do understand that. I was really just trying to think of a reason for the hideously inappropriate message.

I don’t know anyone in RL who responds to provocation in the general tone of a MN thread. If they did few friendships, IL relationships or marriages would exist.

I think on MN we tend to voice the ‘in our head’ responses and not what people actually do having thought about it.

And several posters have acknowledged that.

It is also fair enough to give some validation and moral support to an OP who is upset that someone has suggested her niece / nephew needs a trigger warning. Because it is bloody upsetting.

just react 😶 to the message. then nothing. speaks volumes

This is absolutely disgusting behaviour from that child’s Mum.

I bet she’s the type to have ‘#be kind all over he stupid social media too, thick b1tch

This ^

Exactly this.

When people have commented on DD's visible difference, even when it has been rude, I have always responded calmly and politely, and encouraged her to do the same.

Behind closed doors, and to friends, I absolutely vent, rip her to shreds, call her a cunt and anything else I feel like to make me feel better, then after an hour or so I'm back to normal, no harm done. This thread is just the same, the OP seems a reasonable and level headed person so I doubt she will respond in an inappropriate way and hopefully she feels better knowing most people are on the same page.

I would just ignore the text.

Diabolical. She sounds vile.

The fact this mum has an 8 year old and the convo has never come up that we don’t all look the same and some people have disabilities?

Honestly I’d be tempted to ignore the message but she needs educating.

What heads up was she even expecting? I am just shocked to be honest

Yeah that is bad. I would probably reply and say something about it.

The reason I wrote my last post is that “weirdoboelady” had posted a suggested response which I found good, but several people reacted to it saying it was too polite and she didn’t deserve it, etc. So yes, I get that a lot of people may not be serious in their suggestions, but some are rejecting others’ more moderate suggestions, which is what I was speaking to. In truth I also suspect most people wouldn’t have the guts to say anything like what they suggest on MN, so maybe none of this means very much.

But apart from venting, I saw an opportunity on this forum to discuss the framing of things. Which can at the very least affect how one feels about the challenges of life. There’s an opportunity through these discussions to consider things in a less negative way and cultivate a personal ethic. I have come to realise that seems to be of little interest to many people posting in the thread, but I’ve chosen to participate to give that angle a voice. But I think I might save my breath next time :-)

I’d ask her how as a parent herself she has so little compassion for a child and how it’s her disgusting attitude that her children need protecting from.

Op delete your history and send her this thread. Its the only way she'll understand.

This is why we are still at times unable to accept as a society, people with differences (and disabilities) instead of accepting people exactly as they are, because people like this point out and keep reinforcing human ideology, it's fucked up and as a parent of a young adult (26yrs old) with physical disabilities, I can tell you time hasn't changed a single bloody thing.

From a young age, every child should be taught that everyone is valued, no matter what their circumstances!

I haven't read all the responses so this may have been suggested already. There is a fantastic organisation called Changing Faces that educates people on visible facial differences. Perhaps send this very ignorant parent a link to their website/Facebook page to aid with her conversations with her children? They need to be able to accept people have differences without reacting in an insensitive manner. As does their mother.

Tell her to get therapy for herself and her children.

I wouldn’t want to be associated with this person. Ever. Again.

Revolting behaviour by her

Diabolical wretch she is. As a mother of a child with asd this also bothers me. Don’t invite her to any other events

I’d be sorely tempted to respond “whatever do you mean?” And make this awful woman really spell it out. Perhaps then she’ll understand how outrageous she’s behaved.

This is the best response I read.

I agree!

Don't antagonise her if your child has to mix with hers.