Party, child with visible difference

[donttake]

Was 8 year olds birthday party on Saturday,
Some school friends, some out of school friends and some family were invited. First time doing a mixed party like that and the different groups kind of kept together so Dd was a bit pulled around but otherwise everything went great .

One of DD’s cousins who was at the party has a significant facial difference, purely physical and had no effect of their behaviour or abilities. I’ve had a message from a school friends mother saying thank-you for the party, dc had a great time etc but that she would have appreciated a heads up about dd’s cousin. That her dc were scared and upset and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so could I give advice.

I’m not being being unreasonable to think that’s outrageous, am I?

I have no idea what to reply

My gorgeous niece/nephew had a fantastic time at Xx's party. Thankfully the children were welcoming of a visible difference which was lovely to see. Unfortunately it does tend to be adults that are less understanding. You were more than welcome to leave the party at any point, or have a positive conversation with your child about how we are all special and unique in our own way. A book called Sam's Birthmark can be a positive way to start this conversation. I would advise you to educate yourself by accessing the Changing Faces website which has fantastic support.'

Though that's not what my instinct wants to say, I think it's the best reply on the thread.

There's no need for the long essay that has been suggested. That basically ignores the fact that she had no right to complain that you didn't give her a heads up @donttake .
The suggestion above is polite, helpful, concise, and in a natural 'voice' while making it clear that the mother was entirely unreasonable (but in a way that isn't outright rude). So if she shows your message to anyone else, you can't be found at fault.

How ironic that the advocates of ‘graciousness’ call everyone else cunts!

Sod the polite messages and the book recommendations op. Anybody with half a brain and an iota of empathy tells their kid to be kind and see the person within. This idea that she has missed some vital element of the parenting manual is hogwash. Young children glued to Bluey or Disney films on repeat would be able to tell her.

I would be responding that her message is offensive, shocking and utterly lacking in emotional intelligence. And I’d put a link to this thread by way of education. She is the cunt.

Love the oboe digression. 😂

I cannot believe you think it’s appropriate to send this message. [Cousin’s name] is a child, not something that requires a ‘heads up.’ The fact that you think I should have warned people about their appearance is disgusting. If your child was unsettled, that’s your responsibility as a parent to handle—with empathy, education, and basic human decency. Maybe instead of expecting others to accommodate ignorance, you should focus on teaching your child that differences are normal and not something to be ‘scared’ of. Do not ever send me a message like this again.

That makes it absolutely clear how unacceptable her message was.

Quite happy to be a cunt in this instance @weirdoboelady

Bloody hell, there are some truly awful people out there.

Ask her why she hadn't prepared her child anyway long ago for seeing people with visible differences out and about in society. She can't seriously assume that everyone in that situation is going to co-operatively hide away from her children to save their feelings.

What about literally just sending:

speechless

I have no idea what to reply

I’d go with ‘I’m sorry, I need to check I’ve understood your text correctly. You want me to teach you how to teach your children how to be normal, decent human beings?

Here is my suggestion

Hi XXX

Sorry for the slow reply. I was so taken aback that I've been on Mumsnet trying to find the words to respond!

I think it's best you come to terms with the fact that your DC will not be given a 'head's up' in life about anything or anyone that they find scary or distasteful. It's particularly unlikely that they will be forewarned about other children who may look different to them. In order to mitigate any future distress, my advice would be to let then know that not all children look like catalogue models, and they may encounter children with birthmarks, disfigurements, missing limbs, glasses, hearing aids, bald heads, freckles, spiky hair, cleft palettes, odd haircuts, dungarees, lisps, shouty voices and even, (shudder) bad manners! But that (and this is the important bit) NONE of those things matter, apart from the bad manners.

Hope that helps!
Donttake

Totally appreciate about the venting. I withdraw the cunt remark to those who are. Appreciate that was rather OTT, especially to any parents who were understandably triggered. I am just trying to be kind and acknowledge that The Woman was actually asking for help.

The only thing is that if one of the important functions of this thread is venting, it wouldn't seem to me quite fair to link The Woman to it.

@DolceDingo Yes, I really do.

That was what I was thinking too

She wasn't asking for help at all. She's an awful human being.

Wow is a good response. Or a simple 'when people tell you who they are, believe them'.

Agree you did well not to react immediately, but what an upsetting message to receive.

Best to rise about it, I probably wouldn't respond directly to her message at all, just text back some educational links and leave it there

Really awful. If she doesn’t know how to explain disability to her children it’s really not your problem.

Personally I’d play dumb.

“I’m sure like most parents you just explained that people come with all kinds of differences and it’s what on the inside that matters. Don’t worry, I’m sure you did fine. X”

Tell her that the devil is saving a place for her in hell. That’ll shut her up. Some people are ignorant.

I'd go with this: "Seriously? My niece/nephew does not come with a warning." Then leave the conversation.

The OP does not owe this woman resources, kindness or anything else. It's obvious the woman's request for "help" was just a cover for telling OP she should have warned her about the cousin.

The message op received was utterly outrageous. But that does not mean op needs to lower herself to that woman’s level. If op replies, it should be a fairly simple response, not rude. Whilst the op doesn’t owe this person any kind of apology or assistance or anything at all, she be ought to remember that any response could be shown to others - without the context of the original text.

perhaps no reply is best.
or a simple reply.

Yes it was a lovely party and yes, I’m happy that all the children including yours could attend, had fun and enjoyed it. They were all polite and behaved well -as expected. If your dc had shown any sign at all of not enjoying it or indeed of the fear and upset you mention, I would have observed it and dealt with it kindly at the time and then let you know about it at home time. But this didn’t happen.
As for interacting with children with disabilities such as facial differences, I assume that by 8 years old, children have been taught at home by their parents about inclusivity and kindness, as well as at school, as it’s a fundamental life skill that is practised from early years. If you have been prevented from doing this with your dc, or remain ignorant about the subject yourself, there are lots of useful books, resources and advice on-line for children as well as for parents who may find it a difficult subject.
The best advice I can give you at this stage is to be aware that some people would find your message to me about having needed a heads up about other guests before the party rather offensive and discriminatory, so best to avoid that in the future. All the best.

I'm glad your little relative has someone like you OP in her corner. That woman is disgusting.

If her eight year old child has been so unexposed to society that she’s never met people with facial differences, disabilities etc, to such an extent she’s actually scared and upset about a child with a difference, then that’s entirely on her and her parenting

I dunno about that. Me and my children go to a lot of child play places amd the first time my DS had seen a child with a facial disability he was 5 and he was so frightened.

I actually thought he was joking at first as he came running to me really upset saying there was a monster in the ball pool. He used to do this at home too, so I assumed it was his imagination and told him to tell the monster to go away and it would

My heart hurt when a few.mjnutes later, a little boy came out of the ball pool really really upset, because my DS had been saying he was a monster and that DS had been running away from him.

I felt terrible. I feel terrible looking back. I took my ds into the toilets and very quickly had a word with him about how some people do look different, but he was actually a little boy who would be really upset now. DS came out, went and told the boy sorry and they both played together after that

But prior to that, i had never ever spoke to DS about people with facial disabilities, because we had never come across anyone with any. I take my DS lots of different places too.

Petty, yes, but also bullying. Don't stoop to this.

Yep! Spot on. This woman has massively failed in parenting if her child is scared in this situation to the point where she feels she needs to send such a message to the party host. My toddler has a friend with a limb difference, a friend who has Down’s syndrome and a friend with an NG tube at nursery and not once has she ever commented, said anything ‘critical’ or anything because she just accepts it and yes kids ask questions but apparently shaking with fear that’s not normal and rubbish parenting. Jesus even sticking a few episodes of mr tumble on teaches about inclusivity.

I can’t think of anyone, myself included, who would have read that message and thought the woman was asking for help. It wasn’t a kind message and doesn’t warrant a kind reply. Any reply should be factual, saying that the correct response to her childs’ distress would have been to sit them down and have a conversation about inclusivity at a level they can understand - not to message the party organiser to say they should essentially have put a trigger warning about their relative on the invitation !!!