To feel absolutely gutted that my in-laws have given away DH's birthday surprise?

[RossGellersCat]

I am very aware that this is a first world problem and am prepared to have my arse handed to me, but I'm absolutely gutted. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Context:
DH and I haven't been abroad together for 8 years. It's his 40th next month and as a surprise I've booked for the two of us to go to a country he's always wanted to go to but hasn't mentioned for a while (let's say Morocco). I've managed to organise childcare, worked overtime to fund the whole thing as we don't have a lot of money spare. He would never have guessed as we haven't holidayed due to those two factors, he knows I've asked him to book some A/L but he thinks it's for a UK-based activity. I've also never organised a surprise for him like this so this felt extra special. Due to cost it's also the only present I've got him (apart from very small things from our kids) and bought a nice personalised card to 'reveal' it on the day.

My MiL had asked me if we could visit them the weekend we're away so I explained why we couldn't and emphasised that it's a surprise and DH doesn't know. (You can guess where this is headed(!)) So last weekend we were there and within 5 minutes of walking in the door FiL says to both of us "So I hear you're off to Morocco?" I tried to look confused and said no, think you're mistaken. (While also doing mild dagger eyes) to which he said "But MiL told me you're talking DH there for his birthday?" I downplayed it again and then frantically mouthed at him (DH doesn't know!!) Managed to take him to one side and reinforce that it's a surprise, MiL was there too and confirmed that when she told FiL about it she'd said it was a surprise. I was feeling really upset but told myself that I might have bluffed it enough that DH didn't catch on. Then SiL found me a couple of hours later and said "DH doesn't know about Morroco does he?? Because dad (FiL) has just mentioned it in front of him". I don't know if she tried to cover it up in my absence, I didn't even know that she knew about the trip but I'm guessing MiL told everyone. I'm absolutely bloody gutted. I've saved and spent £700 on this, had managed to keep it a secret for 3 months and genuinely don't think DH would have guessed any of it but I'm now very confident that he knows.

I don't know whether it's better to just ask DH if he knows and let him be involved in it or try and hide my upset and act like it's all a surprise still.

To pre-empt some potential Qs, no my FiL doesn't have any memory problems/reason to not be able to keep secrets, don't think he said anything maliciously (he just doesn't think sometimes) and yes, I have 100% learnt never to tell my in-laws anything that I want kept a secret ever again. 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU for feeling really upset that someone else in seconds ruined what I worked so hard to be an amazing (and very unexpected) surprise?

I'm thinking maybe I ask DH (who I trust to be honest with me) "Has a member of your family told you what's happening for your 40th?"

Surely he’d say… ‘I’ve been wondering when you’d mention this. You know a damily member mentioned it to me. Dad said it directly in front of us both!’

Sorry but I think this too. If it was just the once, fair enough, we’ve all put our foot in it in the past and felt terrible over it but honestly if it happened multiple times, and you made it perfectly clear the first time that DH didn’t know, your FIL was doing that on purpose!

Don’t let ten years of a close relationship be derailed by a mumsnet thread op!

It happened once in front of the op. Her fil with whom she had a decade long positive relationship with

and then the SIL, with whom the op doesn’t get on with and who was planning her own birthday surprise for her husband, mentions it to the OP that fil told dh

I would think fil made a mistake
SIL is being troublesome

You see if this happened to me and my boyfriend’s mum did this… I’d laugh because I’d think it was a joke.

I would also assume a man I’d got on with for many years hadn’t sudddenly turned vindictive on me

may be I am naive but…. Happy!

But not her DH's thoughts as he likes surprises.

And he is who this is about

This is exactly the sort of thing my FIL would do, and has.
Now I never tell them anything in confidence, as everyone in the wider family and the window cleaner will know all about it within the hour.

Yes, but it wasn’t a joke and was in line with several other toe-curling comments and her general behaviour.

I agree about OP's FIL though.

I was just thinking this…. I know it’s a fab surprise but if you think he now knows maybe it’s fine and he’s also enjoying the looking forward to it part!! You’ve done so much for him especially earning the money through OT - I’m sure he will be so so pleased regardless of whether it’s an actual on the day surprise… Pls try not to let it spoil your enjoyment of giving - what you’ve done is wonderful xx

Aww, it's disappointing, but you've still got a lovely trip to look forward to. I think some people are just crap at keeping secrets, I know I am. I've put my foot in it several times. As I'm speaking, it kinda dawns on me, wtf are you doing.

I can see why you are upset and disappinted after all your efforts.

But blurting something like that out would be excatly they kind of thing my dad would do.

He's not be that interested in my mum telling him about the plans and only half listen. He then only vaguely rememeber something about going to Morocco not all the details of when, why, it's a suprsie etc.

When we turn up he then has to make convrstaion and drags out of his memory: 'oh aren't you going to Morocco?'

He'd also be bemused and confused by all the mouthing 'no, cut it out' signals and not understand which bit he'd got wrong or why it was a bid deal.

It's very very annoying and thoughtless because of the lack of interest and attention, but not malicious.

Yes, I have to confess this is where my head is now going. I didn't hear FiL say it the second time, I'm relying entirely on SiL who came to me to tell me. It wouldn't surprise me if she was trying to get me to reveal it all early/ stir things. DH wouldn't believe that, but I have my doubts. Will speak to him casually this evening about it.

OP I agree with your approach, ask him if he knows, if he does it is still an exciting surprise for him it's just earlier than planned, so try to both embrace it in that way. Then you can still do all your lovely planning which I'm sure he will be really excited about 😍

If he denies all knowledge then just follow your original plan. If he does know it may be that he sort of got it but not really so still at least a partial surprise. What a lovely gift.

Throw in fact she’s planning an identical surprise for her husband, I reckon your poor FIL made a genuine error
and your SIL is trying to stir

DH was on the floor with one of our kids looking at them, and did very much stay mute 🤦🏻‍♀️

Partner. 😊 She left her husband two months ago for this guy (as I say, all families are complicated it seems!)

How about booking another surprise holiday, this time for FIL, and sending him off to a remote isolated Arctic destination.

My sister did similar with my kids (we planend on just arriving at check in for our trip to Florida)

It slipped out in conversation. We laugh about it now - she felt awful at the time :(

I am worried that your shit-stirring SiL will try to ruin your surprise, before your DH's birthday, even if DH hasn't already caught on. Whether she does that herself or tries to use your PiL. I'm not sure how you prevent her, unless your DH has very little contact with any of them? Maybe give DH his card and present a day early?

It sounds like a fantastic present and I'm sure your DH will love how much thought and effort has gone into it.

Yes, I think this is FiL too!

Hooray! You haven’t been dragged down the dark path of some posters saying ignore a decade of good relations and he’s nasty, vindictive, cruel and one poster even said to go NC!!!

I was reading something the other day about how sometimes the anticipation of going somewhere can be as good for some people as the trip itself.

Maybe you could tell him in advance so he has a chance to get excited? and then it wouldn't matter so much the FIL ruined the surprise. I totally get why you are gutted though, I would be too!

@RossGellersCat well now you know that mil is a blabbermouth and not to tell her anything again!!

that's what carpets are for, no?

This is so my Dad, the man can't keep a secret. He has ruined so many surprises it's now a family joke. He definitely doesn't mean to do it. When I told him I was pregnant, after congratulating us, he got a look of genuine panic on his face and said he was having dinner with Grandad. He begged me to stop by Grandad's immediately to tell him the news myself, otherwise he'd be stressing all through dinner. 🤣