To feel absolutely gutted that my in-laws have given away DH's birthday surprise?

[RossGellersCat]

I am very aware that this is a first world problem and am prepared to have my arse handed to me, but I'm absolutely gutted. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Context:
DH and I haven't been abroad together for 8 years. It's his 40th next month and as a surprise I've booked for the two of us to go to a country he's always wanted to go to but hasn't mentioned for a while (let's say Morocco). I've managed to organise childcare, worked overtime to fund the whole thing as we don't have a lot of money spare. He would never have guessed as we haven't holidayed due to those two factors, he knows I've asked him to book some A/L but he thinks it's for a UK-based activity. I've also never organised a surprise for him like this so this felt extra special. Due to cost it's also the only present I've got him (apart from very small things from our kids) and bought a nice personalised card to 'reveal' it on the day.

My MiL had asked me if we could visit them the weekend we're away so I explained why we couldn't and emphasised that it's a surprise and DH doesn't know. (You can guess where this is headed(!)) So last weekend we were there and within 5 minutes of walking in the door FiL says to both of us "So I hear you're off to Morocco?" I tried to look confused and said no, think you're mistaken. (While also doing mild dagger eyes) to which he said "But MiL told me you're talking DH there for his birthday?" I downplayed it again and then frantically mouthed at him (DH doesn't know!!) Managed to take him to one side and reinforce that it's a surprise, MiL was there too and confirmed that when she told FiL about it she'd said it was a surprise. I was feeling really upset but told myself that I might have bluffed it enough that DH didn't catch on. Then SiL found me a couple of hours later and said "DH doesn't know about Morroco does he?? Because dad (FiL) has just mentioned it in front of him". I don't know if she tried to cover it up in my absence, I didn't even know that she knew about the trip but I'm guessing MiL told everyone. I'm absolutely bloody gutted. I've saved and spent £700 on this, had managed to keep it a secret for 3 months and genuinely don't think DH would have guessed any of it but I'm now very confident that he knows.

I don't know whether it's better to just ask DH if he knows and let him be involved in it or try and hide my upset and act like it's all a surprise still.

To pre-empt some potential Qs, no my FiL doesn't have any memory problems/reason to not be able to keep secrets, don't think he said anything maliciously (he just doesn't think sometimes) and yes, I have 100% learnt never to tell my in-laws anything that I want kept a secret ever again. 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU for feeling really upset that someone else in seconds ruined what I worked so hard to be an amazing (and very unexpected) surprise?

Ah what a shame. I wouldn’t assume any malice- some people are just completely useless with this sort of thing.

I’d carry on as you are and continue with the surprise element. It may be that your DH didn’t fully pick up on it, or maybe he did but he wants to play along. Have a great holiday.

She spilled the beans to their entire family on purpose, as she knew her careless husband would blatantly say it in front of your DH. She doesn't like you. She did it so that your surprise didn't outdo her surprise party for HER SON.

I bet if you think hard enough, there will be other signs that makes her secretly loathe that her precious son has a wife.

My MIL did this to me. Her son/my DH, planned a surprise trip away for my birthday while we were dating. She told me all about it and was very pleased with herself. DH was gutted. Turns out, and this only came out a couple of years later, that she disliked me and couldn't cope with her son having a girlfriend. She went ballistic when we got married. She literally wailed and begged him not to get married.

She was so controlling over him, something I hadn't noticed (just thought they were REALLY close), until after we got married.

Everything had to be about HER. She couldn't handle ME getting the surprise trip away because SHE was the main women in his life. Crazy woman.

Your MIL may not be as bad as mine, but she sure isn't 100% with her son having a wife...those little comments are not jokes.

I'd be distancing myself from them, if I were you.

The absolute fuckers - no wonder you are cross.

Now, I think you have to reveal to your DH that yes, you have arranged for you to go to Morocco. Of course he now knows.

And let him be part of the detailed planning and enjoy the anticipation.

That won't interfere with the enjoyment of the holiday itself.

There are pluses and minuses to surprises. But it wasn't the ILs story to tell.

Your husband knows about the trip as his father brought it up twice. I'm sure he's not hard of understanding. It would be silly to make him pretend not to know about it now. Just give him the details so he can look forward to it.

I wonder if your MIL 'forgot' to tell your FIL that it was a secret from your DH. Bit mean, if so.

That's a shame and I'd be very annoyed. I'd probably have not told them about the trip (lied and said you're going away in the UK or you're away and it is a surprise) because it seems like a typical thing an older parent might do (in my and DH's family!) People are often talking at crossed wires or not fully listening to what their spouse is telling them.

I'd keep playing along. I'm sure your DH is doing the same or he thinks his parents have got things wrong.

Are you sure your passports are up to date if you've not been abroad for 8 years?

I can see now why your husband likes surprises. He's probably never had any since his father keeps ruining them all.

Haven’t RTFT.

Years ago, my credit card company did the same. DH had planned a trip for my 30th and kept the details secret. Night before we go we’re ringing card companies to let them know we will be abroad. I would explain it was a surprise trip, answer the security questions and then give the phone to DH to tell tthem where we were going while I was elsewhere in the house.

The last one asked to speak with me again, and when DH gave me the phone they said “so Miss Years, you are going to [place]”. That account was closed down within 2 minutes, and the operator got a mouthful about paying attention to customers and not spoiling surprises.

I think I would take the same approach with others.

I think you win!!!

My MIL recently text my husband on his birthday to remind him that 'she was the one who was there on the day he was born'!! I used to think all their rude comments, spoiling secrets and surprises etc were all innocent accidents until 2 years ago when they moved very close to us and I saw a different side to them. My husband was right about them all along!

Then tell us WHY he made a point of ruining the surprise?

It wasn't a slip of the tongue, so why did he?

Sorry you are so upset about it, but the only way to keep a secret is not to tell anyone at all. You could have said when asked that you'd promised to see a friend over that weekend or something else vague.
FWIW, I would absolutely hate a surprise holiday and would much prefer to have it to look forward to for longer. Perhaps your DH is the same! It's a brilliant present whether he knows in advance or not.

I think this is the case too.. that's why he could keep the surprise for MIL to himself, because he would be the one to do the eventual reveal in that instance.

The mentioning as you walked in the door is one thing.. going back later to purposely tell him about it in front of everyone makes it pretty obvious that he wanted to be the one to reveal the surprise! Horrible man.

I learnt the hard way with my in laws when they almost (accidentally in fairness) ruined an extremely expensive surprise Christmas gift for my DH.. I managed to salvage it, but I was utterly furious about it, they don't really do nice or intricate gifts or surprises, their present giving is very bog standard so it didn't occur to them how important it was to me to keep it secret I suppose. I never tell them anything now that I don't want repeating.

The cat is definitely out of the bag, so I'd tell your DH now and organise it together, you'll have a great time!

I had this happen but it was my surprise - DH had organised a fabulous trip for us, wanted it to be a surprise, but it was MIL who revealed it when she asked* *me what exact dates we were away.

DH was really upset MIL had spoiled it but I didn't mind at all! I was glad to have the countdown joy!

My fil did exactly the same. DH had booked a surprise weekend in Cornwall for our anniversary, they had to know because they were our childcare, and knew it was a surprise. I was talking to him on the phone and the first thing he said was I bet you're looking forward to Cornwall.

He was a lovely man but tbh he had the attention span of a gnat

Families are rarely simple eh! The only other thing this thread has made me think about is that while my relationship with PiLs has always felt good, my relationship with SiL is more complex. I wasn't there when FiL apparently mentioned it again, it was SiL who came and told me that DH now knows. As I say, I really don't want to believe that she'd lie to me, but I do know that at times in the past I have felt like her behaviour can be manipulative/motivated for her own gain, whereas DH disagrees.

I'm thinking maybe I ask DH (who I trust to be honest with me) "Has a member of your family told you what's happening for your 40th?" If he says yes then I accept this and go ahead with him involved in planning sooner as others have suggested. And if not then I trust him, still do the 'surprise' on his birthday and know to take SiL with more of a pinch of salt going forward. (As well as never telling any of them anything!!) Being very honest, SiL wanting the shine to be firmly on her taking her new partner away resonates with me much more than PiL scheming to sabotage it.

Oh dear, that type ... my MIL gave me a present when we got engaged and told me "This present is to remind you that you are taking away my son from me" ... shudder.
Just don't share with her in the future and you will save a lot of disappointment:)

This is exactly the kind of thing my MIL would do. It took me a few years to realise that all those little “slips” weren’t accidental. Spoiling surprise lunches, weekend trips etc. Once she turned up an hour late to babysit (which she had insisted she wanted to do, even though I had planned to use a sitter!!) when I had made DH a special birthday reservation months in advance at a really amazing restaurant and we lost the table. (“Oh dear, did I get the time wrong?!” 😑) That was when the penny finally dropped. For too long I gave the benefit of the doubt as I just couldn’t imagine why she’d do such spiteful things when all I was trying to do was love her son and make him happy! Once the scales fell away from my eyes there was no going back and she now gets nothing from me. And as a result a lot less from him as he rarely thinks to call or text or set up meeting. Guess she never realised how much of it came from my prodding. Play silly games and all that!

Unfortunately for many when you marry someone very close to their parents & siblings you can expect them to always be a big part of your relationship. That is unless they all treat you so badly your spouse has a genuine reason to disassociate themselves on your behalf. Communication by all concerned at the time of the upset is so important, especially if the spouse has a strong desire to maintain the family relationship. It's very seldom that only one side is to blame 100% for every single issue that occurs.

Oh I'd be spoiling that party sharpish! "I fancy going into town and getting a new outfit for your party - whoops!"

Once is a mistake, twice less so.

If you reckon he knows, I'd get a card, some fizz etc and just do the surprise now. He'll either be a) actually surprised b) play along c) confess the surprise was spoilt.

Then you can call the in-laws, tell them he's been "officially" told now and bollock them for spoiling it.

If you don't want to spoil the party for him you can just say to them "I just hope I manage to keep the party a surprise, and SILs trip too, so many suprises!" with a tinkly laugh and make them all stress!

I have NO idea

but after many years, more than a decade likely, of having good relations with someone - I am inclined not to jump to suddenly thinking they’re vindictive and nasty

...within 5 minutes of walking in the door FiL says to both of us "So I hear you're off to Morocco?"

And you're still clinging to the hope that your DH doesn't know when you were right there when he was told?

I agree. planning a surprise get away for DP’s big birthday and I had to reveal due to an issue with our transport

Tbh, he’s been enjoying the anticipation/doesn’t know the exact details of hotel etc

The upside is : he will protect the time of something comes up, as much more difficult to reschedule vs a uk holiday and also might be better at preparing/packing etc (like if it’s a hot destination will go & buy a pair of shorts etc)

I'd be really gutted too. But it's an amazing surprise and you're a wonderful human for organising and paying for it! I hope you have a really lovely time!

FiL says to both of us "So I hear you're off to Morocco?" I tried to look confused and said no, think you're mistaken. (While also doing mild dagger eyes) to which he said "But MiL told me you're talking DH there for his birthday?" I downplayed it agai

how are you even thinking that your dh isn’t aware? I mean this happened right I. Front of you both

surely DH said something or did he just stand there mute?