To feel absolutely gutted that my in-laws have given away DH's birthday surprise?

[RossGellersCat]

I am very aware that this is a first world problem and am prepared to have my arse handed to me, but I'm absolutely gutted. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Context:
DH and I haven't been abroad together for 8 years. It's his 40th next month and as a surprise I've booked for the two of us to go to a country he's always wanted to go to but hasn't mentioned for a while (let's say Morocco). I've managed to organise childcare, worked overtime to fund the whole thing as we don't have a lot of money spare. He would never have guessed as we haven't holidayed due to those two factors, he knows I've asked him to book some A/L but he thinks it's for a UK-based activity. I've also never organised a surprise for him like this so this felt extra special. Due to cost it's also the only present I've got him (apart from very small things from our kids) and bought a nice personalised card to 'reveal' it on the day.

My MiL had asked me if we could visit them the weekend we're away so I explained why we couldn't and emphasised that it's a surprise and DH doesn't know. (You can guess where this is headed(!)) So last weekend we were there and within 5 minutes of walking in the door FiL says to both of us "So I hear you're off to Morocco?" I tried to look confused and said no, think you're mistaken. (While also doing mild dagger eyes) to which he said "But MiL told me you're talking DH there for his birthday?" I downplayed it again and then frantically mouthed at him (DH doesn't know!!) Managed to take him to one side and reinforce that it's a surprise, MiL was there too and confirmed that when she told FiL about it she'd said it was a surprise. I was feeling really upset but told myself that I might have bluffed it enough that DH didn't catch on. Then SiL found me a couple of hours later and said "DH doesn't know about Morroco does he?? Because dad (FiL) has just mentioned it in front of him". I don't know if she tried to cover it up in my absence, I didn't even know that she knew about the trip but I'm guessing MiL told everyone. I'm absolutely bloody gutted. I've saved and spent £700 on this, had managed to keep it a secret for 3 months and genuinely don't think DH would have guessed any of it but I'm now very confident that he knows.

I don't know whether it's better to just ask DH if he knows and let him be involved in it or try and hide my upset and act like it's all a surprise still.

To pre-empt some potential Qs, no my FiL doesn't have any memory problems/reason to not be able to keep secrets, don't think he said anything maliciously (he just doesn't think sometimes) and yes, I have 100% learnt never to tell my in-laws anything that I want kept a secret ever again. 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU for feeling really upset that someone else in seconds ruined what I worked so hard to be an amazing (and very unexpected) surprise?

I was thinking it has to have been deliberate because FIL kept some other secret when it suited him, & because from the OP he seems to have mentioned it twice:

within 5 minutes of walking in the door FiL says to both of us "So I hear you're off to Morocco?"... Managed to take him to one side and reinforce that it's a surprise, MiL was there too and confirmed that when she told FiL about it she'd said it was a surprise.... Then SiL found me a couple of hours later and said "DH doesn't know about Morroco does he?? Because dad (FiL) has just mentioned it in front of him". I don't know if she tried to cover it up in my absence...

Don't lie to DH, you will get over the annoyance in time. Do enjoy the holiday, but on return home go lower contact with inlaws as they cannot be trusted. And tell them why if necessary, you no longer want to discuss anything about your family with them. Reduce visits to polite minimum.

@RossGellersCat Aargh!!My MIL used to come out with that same comment about DH having been hers first!
In the light of your updates I do wonder if FIL was also trying to be loyal to MIL. Maybe she felt that her big surprise with the party was going to be eclipsed by the gift? She might have been a little disappointed after hearing what you had planned and expressed that to him. He could have thought that he wasn’t really going to be spoiling things for your DH by revealing the trip and at the same time he could protect his wife’s feelings. A clumsy move for sure but his wife (and his daughter) are going to matter a lot more than the feelings of his DIL. It would be typical to see the son as less sensitive and not bothered either way by the reveal. It might explain the lack of apology or remorse.
It was just a thought given that some of the dynamics seem rather similar to my in laws. I still wouldn’t see it as malicious because he might have seen it as a solution to a problem and not doing any real harm to anyone.

I think this is correct, there is a silver lining of sorts.

But I would express my displeasure vehemently to your in-laws and let them know that this is a dealbreaker. They are going to be on a very low-information diet for years to come, and never again entrusted with anything sensitive. They're inconsiderate, self-absorbed clods at best.

I would be pretty pissed off too OP!

There is absolutely nothing selfish in anything @RossGellersCat did or planned! For a lot of people, the surprise is the best part.

Honestly.

YANBU. I would be very upset and cross about this.

I hope you and your DH have a fantastic time away.

I have learnt over the years to play my cards very close to my chest, regarding telling some people close to me any information that for whatever reason I don’t want passed on!!

I won’t lie, but I will give bare minimum information only.

So I wouldn’t say “We’re going to Morocco and it’s a surprise so please don’t tell him” I might say “Sorry we’re unavailable that weekend. I’ve arranged a surprise trip away.”

Even when asked very clearly not to say anything, some folk find it next to impossible to stop themselves sharing other peoples information - or don’t see why they shouldn’t say anything they fancy to anyone they want…

My MIL had particular form for this when she was alive.

Despite having been sworn to secrecy for pretty good reasons (which I’m sure she very clearly understood) she decided to tell nearly everyone she knew that we were expecting our second child - long before it was appropriate to do so. We made the mistake of telling her very much earlier than everyone else - and we had really wanted to tell people ourselves. I was so mad, because we were very clear in our request they keep it to themselves.

So update: Have spoken with DH and he swears 100%, on our children's lives etc that he doesn't know what's happening at all. He says FiL definitely hasn't said anything to him when he and SiL were in the room together.

I then told him why I believed he did know, and instantly became somewhat defensive of his sister saying she must have misunderstood or I've misunderstood what she said to me. I explained that SiL said very clearly to me that FiL had just mentioned it to DH (and referenced that she clearly knows what the plan is as she mentioned it specifically). DH just replied "well that makes no sense as to why she'd do that". It does to me!

But he was in the room when FIL said it the first time!?!

This thread is bizarre.

He was yes, on the floor and playing with our child. Hence me making all the eyes at FiL to not mention it again. I have really laid it on the line that if he knows I'd rather know, but he rigidly swears that he doesn't know. So maybe he genuinely didn't hear?

It was SiL who told me that DH knows, I wasn't there when he was told according to her. Up until then I'd hoped he hadn't been listening to FiL and I'd managed to cover it up but I've always said I couldn't understand why he'd then talk about it again. And now I'm thinking that he didn't. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know it’s unlikely, but is it possible that MIL had told SIL about the earlier occasion, and SIL was just referring to that?

It is physically possible, but she told me that it had just happened in front of her while I was out of the room? She has told 'lies' for want of a better term in the past, so I wouldn't entirely put it past her to make this up just to cause a rupture between me/ DH or me/PiLs.
DH doesn't believe me that his sister told me that he knew/his father had told him (and I've learnt there is no point whatsoever in trying to help him consider that she might be behaving in certain ways intentionally). He thinks either I misheard or his sister misunderstood. (Which while I'm all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, she literally told me that FiL had just told DH about Morocco in front of her... So I'm not sure where the misunderstanding could have occurred on either side there).

I'm trying to hold onto the idea that DH says he genuinely doesn't know, as others have said we'll still have a great time and that getting into SiL's role in this situation will only cause upset between me and DH / start drama / taint the trip... Which is probably exactly what she wanted out of telling me what she did.

Ah. I guess at best, then, she is just desperate to somehow get in on the drama. She sounds awful.

Anyway, good luck with the holiday when the time comes!

You know what you heard so you can keep that in mind with regard to things that your SIL says. Petty jealousies can occur when people join another family. Your DH just can’t see it because it doesn’t affect him and he isn’t the recipient of the feelings, comments and manipulations. As you say, there is no point in trying to persuade him. Quite the opposite, as he could see it as being a ‘you’ problem. Chances are she will out herself in time though. I would be very wary of them all going forward. It’s possible to preserve a good relationship with regard to getting on well socially but not ever trusting them with anything important to you.

Completely agree @Oncewornballgown It could be confirmation bias but now I feel like I'm seeing this all more clearly. SiL was told about me booking DH's trip to Morocco and within a week she'd booked a full blown epic surprise holiday for her DP's birthday in 11 months time, complete with booking the activities now as well, which she told us all about during the visit.

It doesn't help that SiL and I are the same age and DH and SiL's partner are the same age, so I wonder if she's feeling competitive about it all and feels a need to outshine whatever I do? (I'm not at all competitive, never have been).

Dear heaven! I love my sons, but I cannot imagine saying anything that creepy or inappropriate about them.

I liked my MIL's approach - basically 'no backsies!' - I used to joke, when she came to stay, that I'd spent the week before cleaning and tidying, so she would know I was looking after her son properly, and wouldn't take him back - and her reply was always "You signed on the dotted line - he's yours now!" All in good humour and tongue in cheek, I promise.

I'd never, ever, tell them anything again that needed to be secret. Swift thought-is DH's passport up to date?

OH dear, the more I'm reading this thread the more I'm thinking 'much ado about nothing'

At this stage rather than stress over something that's meant to be positive & exciting I'd go ahead & tell him everything. I'd then involve him in the planning while allowing time for you both to talk about it & look forward to the shared experience. I don't think your DH sounds like he has any intention of creating a fuss with his sister so I'd drop it. The whole thing isn't worth spoiling your gift despite it being annoying. I wouldn't let it cause any more disagreements

Personally if my DH 'surprised' me with a holiday I had little time to prepare for I wouldn't like it at all. He knows better than to do that though 😂

Whatever the outcome OP I hope you both have a wonderful celebration 😊

Yes it is 😊

I'm not sure if you missed my previous comments where I'd explained that the dates have been planned already so that he will have time between birthday and trip to be involved with the planning (I've created a list of activities but haven't booked anything so that he can choose what we use the time for).

I'm definitely not approaching SiL about any of this, it won't serve me to do so. Am just reassured that DH insists he hasn't heard anything and I am never sharing stuff like this with his family again! 😅

Maybe your SIL mean that FIL had mentioned it in front of DH in reference to the time earlier when you were there, but she doesn't know you were there?

She heard about it e.g. from MIL 'dad is such a doofus he just told Ross'DH about the holiday.'

SIL doesn't realise you were there, comes to speak to you saying 'dad just told bro about your holiday.'
You think he's done it agin rather than this is about the thing you saw happen.

IYSWIM?

Nobody is lying, it's all cossed wires.