To feel absolutely gutted that my in-laws have given away DH's birthday surprise?

[RossGellersCat]

I am very aware that this is a first world problem and am prepared to have my arse handed to me, but I'm absolutely gutted. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Context:
DH and I haven't been abroad together for 8 years. It's his 40th next month and as a surprise I've booked for the two of us to go to a country he's always wanted to go to but hasn't mentioned for a while (let's say Morocco). I've managed to organise childcare, worked overtime to fund the whole thing as we don't have a lot of money spare. He would never have guessed as we haven't holidayed due to those two factors, he knows I've asked him to book some A/L but he thinks it's for a UK-based activity. I've also never organised a surprise for him like this so this felt extra special. Due to cost it's also the only present I've got him (apart from very small things from our kids) and bought a nice personalised card to 'reveal' it on the day.

My MiL had asked me if we could visit them the weekend we're away so I explained why we couldn't and emphasised that it's a surprise and DH doesn't know. (You can guess where this is headed(!)) So last weekend we were there and within 5 minutes of walking in the door FiL says to both of us "So I hear you're off to Morocco?" I tried to look confused and said no, think you're mistaken. (While also doing mild dagger eyes) to which he said "But MiL told me you're talking DH there for his birthday?" I downplayed it again and then frantically mouthed at him (DH doesn't know!!) Managed to take him to one side and reinforce that it's a surprise, MiL was there too and confirmed that when she told FiL about it she'd said it was a surprise. I was feeling really upset but told myself that I might have bluffed it enough that DH didn't catch on. Then SiL found me a couple of hours later and said "DH doesn't know about Morroco does he?? Because dad (FiL) has just mentioned it in front of him". I don't know if she tried to cover it up in my absence, I didn't even know that she knew about the trip but I'm guessing MiL told everyone. I'm absolutely bloody gutted. I've saved and spent £700 on this, had managed to keep it a secret for 3 months and genuinely don't think DH would have guessed any of it but I'm now very confident that he knows.

I don't know whether it's better to just ask DH if he knows and let him be involved in it or try and hide my upset and act like it's all a surprise still.

To pre-empt some potential Qs, no my FiL doesn't have any memory problems/reason to not be able to keep secrets, don't think he said anything maliciously (he just doesn't think sometimes) and yes, I have 100% learnt never to tell my in-laws anything that I want kept a secret ever again. 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU for feeling really upset that someone else in seconds ruined what I worked so hard to be an amazing (and very unexpected) surprise?

Couldn’t agree more!

Do you think, on any level, the secret was spoiled because they are also planning a “surprise” for your DH but yours is bigger, ergo better? They don’t want their party to be overshadowed? They want their surprise to be the only surprise?

I hope you won't take offence at this OP, but you sound like a kind, good-natured and optimistic person who generally sees the best in everyone. I'm much crabbier and more suspicious, and I think the clues are there that your PIL are nowhere near as benign as you think they are. I think this was deliberate sabotage on their part, possibly to put you in your place because your surprise upstages theirs, and they are The Parents, while you are just a later add-on. I would be much warier around them in future.

I honestly don't know at this stage. Maybe there is something about having the 'only' surprise be owned by them, but then they're asking me to help organise that as well 😅

I wouldn't like to think that they'd behave like this (especially FiL who has always seemed like the most calm and reasonable one!) but I cannot make sense of why he supposedly mentioned it again. Unless SiL is jealous that I planned a trip before she did and wants to take the shine off but who knows. I don't want to believe that either.

‘DH, I can’t believe FIL gave away your surprise birthday trip to Morecambe, I’m really annoyed about it but I’ve got some other surprises planned to make it special’ 😬

This makes my skin crawl. As the parent of a boy I literally shudder at the thought of saying something like this to his future partner 🤢

Sadly some people just like to piss on other people's chips as they see it as a power thing. I'd say nothing and hopefully your lovely dh will play along if he does know.

Op, is it possible your MIL was cross her party surprise wouldn't be your husbands only surprise for his birthday and she was ranting about it to your FIL and hey presto - he let your cat out of the bag.

The comment about your husband being hers first, in my mind, says everything about this situation.

There's definitely some weird psychology going on there, assuming FIL has no specific cognitive difficulties. You told him once before seeing him, then twice the day you saw him, and he still managed to "forget" later on that same afternoon?

Oh bless u no wonder you're upset I would be devastated too. Bloody big mouth. Never ever tell them anything ever again. Has he even apologised? Or her?

<boak> ewww that's horrible.
Bit like my MIL when she pontificated..."You know a boy's first girlfriend is always his mum." 😵

It’s not a “First World Problem” - your FIL was absolutely out of line and I would be livid.

My first thoughts were could they be upset they weren't included in their sons 40th birthday celebrations?

I did a surprise trip for my DH for his 40th. I had a good relationship with my parents in law but I found out later my mil was upset she never got to share in the surprise. She said she would have liked at the very least a card from them taken with me to the destination. To be fair although this didn't cross my mind at the time I now on reflection wish I'd shared all the details with them from the outset & insisted it was to be kept as a surprise. I'd also have offered to take a card possibly a small gift along with me to give to DH on the day along with mine. Ultimately there was no harm done but I do feel I should have given them more consideration given he is their son.

Apologies, I hadn't read the update regarding his parents surprise party. Perhaps there is just too much importance placed by too many people on surprises. A lot of the time it ends up causing issues & unnecessary stress.

There is always one…

It is actually a psychological 'thing' that if you tell someone not to think about something, that thing immediately comes to the fore of their mind, so makes sense they would apply to 'don't mention' too.

The thing about surprises is that they're more fun for the person organising them.

You would get all the fun of the anticipation. Your husband wouldn't get to have that.

The secret being out has spoilt some of the fun for you but it won't make it any less enjoyable for him, which is what it's all about.

I have a son too, and admit that I can't ever see myself saying this! MiL has another phrase that's been trotted out over the years (but always said with a jesty tone, not serious) "A daughter is a daughter all of her life, a son is a son 'til he gets a wife".

I've been viewing it as a joke as she's always been very welcoming of me (or so I thought!) but maybe she believes that. Which would be a shame, as I actually facilitate most of our visits and meet ups and have to remind DH to stay in touch with them. Definitely not me taking him away!!

No, that isn't their style. DH's family don't cope very well with emotions (especially negative ones) so the go-to approach is "brush everything under the carpet and never mention it ever again". Whereas I come from a family of therapists so we talk about all of the feelings, a lot of the time 🤣

Eeeew. Now that gave me the creeps!

When my DH and I were loved-up teenagers we were sitting on the couch one day in his home and he put his arm round me. His mother immediately sat on his other side and insisted that he put his other arm round her…

I have been the offending party in very similar circumstances to this, big event abroad, lots of people involved, kept quiet for over a year for a special event for a friend, and just a week before friend asked me a random question and I didn't think whilst replying, so mentioned a key detail giving the secret away.
I was mortified, immediately tried to cover it up but it was futile.

However I'd tell DH now (as he's likely to pretend for your sake too) if it was me, give him chance to get excited, look it up, see if there's anything particular he'd like to do there, grab a new pair of swimming shorts or something perhaps 😂

RTFT

But the OP’s dh isn’t you.
The OP has been clear HE loves surprises. So the fact it was a surprise was fir HIS benefit.
She also has planned the trip a few weeks later so he can get excited about it, participate in the last preparations etc…

My thoughts exactly.

You are being very nice about it all. I'd be a lot more annoyed/angry about fil spilling the beans twice.

It does very much sound like one of them has got the hump about your surprise being better and I wouldn't be shocked if it gets mentioned again. Is their surprise party before or after you go away? If it's before I'd speak to your fil again and reiterate that he needs to keep quiet so as not to ruin the surprise.

I intend to do a holiday abroad for my dh's 50th in a few years time but will be keeping completely shtum as my mum and dad can't be trusted with a secret, my mil is much better but she'd still spill to sil and bil and it would get to dh that way.

Bloody hell bit harsh!! OP has already said her FiL was forgetful and it wasn’t in malice. Your comment is rather nasty…