To think men often 'do better' for their 2nd family?

[GoodToBeHome]

Of all the men I know that have met/married and had children with another woman after divorce from the first wife seem to do much better by the second family than they did the first. They are almost partner/parent of the year the second time around!
Is it just because they are finally more mature? More settled down? There must be something to it as it happens too often just to be coincidence.

Agree this has been the case of what I have witnessed myself too with friends

More mature and choose a partner who suits them better.

Also, I think the ones who really, really don't want family at all are less likely to go on and make the same mistake twice (not that they never do, but it weeds out some of the total wastes of space).

Edited to say - Sorry, didn't intend to quote the OP

Perhaps they think their second family is the last chance saloon, and if they're a rubbish dad again they won't get a third woman who'll have them, and they'll end up growing old in a bedsit.

That's not my observation. Although it might look that at the outset when things are fresh. With this, along with just about everything else, past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour and those second families can get pretty chaotic, pretty damn quick.

Perhaps more mature, more aware of what it takes to make a relationship work, more aware of their own flaws.

I think both men and women learn from failed relationships.

Lots of people settled down too young when I was young, I’m not excusing their behaviour obviously. I do not know any couple who got together in their twenties and are together still, I’m in my late fifties.

I think it varies wildly.

Some certainly try to paint themselves as partner of the year.

Some have learned their lesson from the first time or are more mature and genuinely do better second time round.

Some are the same or even worse second time than first - that’s why you read about these men with whole strings of families - none of whom they take care of!

Just depends I think.

Not all relationships end because of the man - sometimes they were a decent husband and father the first time and it was either more about their first wife or just not being right for each other

Me and my dc are my husband second family. He's done better this time because the mother of his first child was emotionally and physically abusive to him and I'm not.

It's not always the man that's the reason for the first relationship breaking down.

I think in some cases, divorce was a crisis that forced them to evaluate their lives, and they make a conscious decision to do a better job the second time around. (One of the more dramatic examples being John Lennon going from being a largely absent father with Julian to a stay-at-home dad with Sean.) Other times they’re maybe just older and more mature, or they have more emotional energy to be a better parent once they’re no longer dealing with an unhappy marriage.

Same situation here

I've seen this happen a lot.

Second time round they know what they want and what went wrong the first time. They're usually older and more financially secure, so are much more relaxed about parenting. They also seem to look for life partners who are more attuned to them, rather than just embarking with optimism.

Also seen a few high flyers happily take on the SAHD role and absolutely excel at it.

Happiest couple I know had two kids when she was late 30s and he was late 40s. Kids are happy, settled and they are a really solid family unit.

So yes, definitely a thing in my social circle.

I like to think that people learn as they go through life and adjust their behaviour accordingly. I'd find it more surprising if they did worse the second time around.

This - there's a lot of people out there who get into serious relationships, get married and have kids without any kind of real thought or understanding of good communication, treating your partner with respect, domestic life skills, how to parent etc. By 'failing' at the first marriage they have learned.
I've heard a lot of divorce lawyers say that men will often say their wives left them out of the blue, or over nothing, then when questioned it becomes clear the wife had raised issues over and over again. Maybe at some point the message does go in and they think 'ah, better not do that, it used to annoy Sarah'

That hasn't been my experience. DH is as good a dad to dd1 & 2 as he was to DSD. Although he was never married to her mum, and had her when he was 18. His brother on the other hand seems to get divorced and remarried every few years, I've lost count of how many kids he's got. Shit father to all of them.

Ime, the fathers on their second round of kids, do so with a woman a decade younger than them, vs the first wife being of an equal age, and sadly along with the age gap of the second wife, is the subservience the men seek as they didn't get their own way enough with the first wife. Second wives seeing an older man tend to do so because they like the dominant type, who with age also tend to have more wealth (albeit they have to pay maintenance - but that will end once the first round of kids hit 18, and then the second wife will benefit from the better finances of the older man).

Same experience for me too , and i knew of the toxicity in his marriage at the time without him being aware that i did.
Sadly for the kids involved i think men are better fathers when they have a loving relationship and live with the mother of their children.

The one I know is more present but it's more of accepting his fate. He has confessed to DH he should never have left his wife, as the drudgery is the same but with more agg due to blended families.

Sweeping generalisation.

The couple I know, the woman is now the career lead and the dad has taken a step back to focus on the kids. He does school runs, cooks dinner and mostly does the house work.

sorry that doesn't fit your power imbalance narrative but it's true.

Both very career focused who decided to switch roles. He has adult DDs from first marriage so in a position to take that step.

Not in my own case. My ex, whilst a terrible partner was a great dad, could not have been more hands on and present.

He's got another child now, 14 years younger than my son, unplanned, child has SEN and not in mainstream school. I'm told he uses any excuse to get time to himself.

@Finerthingsinlife that poster literally opened with in my experience 😆😆

If a relationship breaks down, its because one or the other isn't happy in the relationship. If a second relationship works, its because both are happy in the relationship.
It might be easier to accept that your ex partner was immature or such like, than accept that they were never fully committed?

I think that sometimes men feel more pressure to make a second marriage/parenting work, because if they screw it up twice they look foolish. Especially if they abandoned and hurt their first family. They need to prove that the pain they caused was justified .

I think the reasons probably variable. I think it can be true of women too, BTW.

Sometimes, it will be because the person (male or female) has matured and learned about their strengths and weaknesses, so they do a better job as a partner and parent. They may also have chosen a partner better suited to them, so fewer conflicts/problems within their relationship- I think this leads to a more harmonious home life, which is reflected in the wider family dynamic/relationship with children etc.

They may be a less anxious/distant etc parent because they feel more confident- perhaps again due to being more mature/knowing where they went wrong before, or because they have a partner with whom they work better as a team.

I know that as I have progressed in my career, I have more leeway/control over my hours/working patterns and so can be around to do more than when my children were younger. I think if I had young children now, in some ways, I would be a far more relaxed, physically present and less harried parent.

Additionally, as we are financially more secure, we can afford to outsource some things, giving us time we would have spent doing those things with our family or our own hobbies etc. I think this definitely makes a difference to our relationship with each other, and changes the atmosphere in our home. That won’t apply to every couple, but these are examples of why things are different at different times in our lives.

I think there is a tendency towards an assumption on MN that men are nearly always the reason a relationship fails/at fault (whether they instigate the split or not), which I don’t think is accurate. I suspect lots of relationships/marriages end because the 2 partners were not entirely well suited or able to meet each others needs from the start, which may come to a head over one partners actions/lack thereof, but was never just down to one partners failings. I’m not saying men are never solely at fault, just as women can be solely at fault. I just think a lot of the time, both partners did not chose someone who is the best choice for them the first time round, but do learn from their mistakes and chose a more suitable long-term partner second time round.

I've also noticed this too. Probably a combination of being that bit older, more mature, plus knowing what will be expected of them.