To think men often 'do better' for their 2nd family?

[GoodToBeHome]

Of all the men I know that have met/married and had children with another woman after divorce from the first wife seem to do much better by the second family than they did the first. They are almost partner/parent of the year the second time around!
Is it just because they are finally more mature? More settled down? There must be something to it as it happens too often just to be coincidence.

Men get more unappealing and less attractive as they get older. Women get more appealing and more attractive. And you are superdeluded if you think younger women are on the hunt for older men! 😆 That is a middle aged/older man's fantasy, (that younger women desire them.)

Completely disagree with all of this, tbh. Any older men who become single at my work are snapped up almost immediately, with plenty to choose between. Almost all get together with someone younger. Never seen that with any middle-aged women who become single in the same way.

Younger women like financially secure older
men.

If you see a pretty young lady with an old
man looking like he could be her dad or even grandad his either loaded (loaded in the sense of owning a house etc) or packing some amazing sex.

It’s a bit like those women who do admit to chasing married men with children. Oh well I know his a good family man… forgetting his not if his cheating but oh well.

They like them pre approved. So owning a house, raised children to a certain age, owns a newish car. Tick tick tick.

Where as middle aged up women, the ones I know who have had children and don’t want anymore who are separated are not really even looking for a new man. They are looking for fwb and the friend part being very loose they don’t want feels catching. They want the itch scratching on their terms and don’t need a man otherwise.

I think the first wife gets a raw deal in most cases. She’s often left with the kids, fending for herself.

The new wife / family are a chance to go a bit Disney Dad. It makes him feel better about his choices.

Both of my aunties are defending their divorcing sons, slagging the ex-wife (who they both loved prior to the break-up). The new woman (and baby) are on a pedestal. So is he!

I think it’s the person who doesn’t initiate the break up that gets the raw deal.

if you’re the one planning your exit, you usually have your ducks in a row. Whether that’s a new partner, squirrelled away some cash, or other plans. You have the power and control. While the other partner doesn’t want to break up so remains trusting and doesn’t see what’s happening.

so yes, if a bloke walks out the woman is often left with the kids struggling. Often as a sahm or a pt mum.

however if it’s the wife that initiates the break up- I won’t say walks out as she normally stays in the family home- then it’s him who’s left back at his mums not seeing his kids full time, with no way of getting back on his feet financially and buying/renting somewhere.

it also depends on the finances. If you’re down south on an average salary, there’s no way that house can be sold to buy two properties. So one ends up staying and the other leaves with little. If you both have decent jobs you can support yourselves and things are much easier.

which is why I would never give up work or my financial independence. Dh walks out, or dies, I am fine financially. Same for dh, he supports me working and does his share of house and kids- now you might say that’s a second wife thing, but he learned form his ex when she wanted to be a sahm. He supported that as well, but found himself working shit loads of overtime to support them, plus she was (understandably) drowning in full time childcare and house around that, so he was working 7-3, picking the kids up to give her a break til they went to bed, then logging back on until midnight.

i wonder if first marriages tend to jump into the traditional, whereas second marriages less so as both parties are more independent/financially secure.

Good points, Why. My cousins were both in the “he’s the breadwinner / she’s SAHM” model of marriage. Both worked long hours to keep the show on the road. Both ex-wives suffered depression, being stuck with kids & running the home.

Both have now moved in with career women (and both had a new baby) who own their own homes. They’re still financially providing for the first mortgage & kids. But living free-of-charge in their new set-ups.

And yes, if the woman breaks up the marriage, then he’s often back to mum. I always feel for the bloke’s mother in this situation, she doesn’t want him either! Although seeing how my aunties are acting…

Both of my cousins initially moved into their mum’s until OW decided they wanted a baby, so allowed him to shack up. Now they have two families, two homes, two women (the ex is still very involved because of the kids). A lot of stress!

The data doesn't support this. In most western countries straight men marry women their own age plus or minus 5 years. This applied to all age groups. The only time when this begin to change is for men who've been divorced more than 3 times.

However, yes for dating, older men aren't as discriminating and are open to dating much younger women. However this doesn't tend to result in marriages.

@kaela100 Where are you looking? I can see men choosing much younger women for second marriages:

eu.aberdeennews.com/story/lifestyle/2014/12/30/men-choose-younger-wives-in-remarriage-but-women-choose-older-men-the-second-time-around/44965433/

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway Totally agree, most older men look awful and young women aren't interested. Only when the man has money and the woman is chasing that.
The older I get the more young men want a relationship with me, men my age and older men. I rarely see an older man with a younger woman and I work in cities, towns, know a lot of people. Most are with people their age.

Most are with people their age.

Agreed. There was a 13 year age gap between me and my ex; we have since both repartnered with people closer to our own age (him, with a woman older than me but still 4/5 years younger than him, me with a man a year older than me but 11 years younger than him).

I don’t think there’s all that much of a market out there among young women for middle-aged divorced dads.

Yes,I've witnessed this. I think they have learnt from their mistakes the first time round.

My parents had two kids (me and sibling 1) in their late teens/early 20s. They were awful parents. Then they had sibling 2 in their late 30s/early 40s. They've been 100% better parents to sibling 2.

I think it's down to maturity, and wanting to redeem themselves after the shitshow they made of the 'first' family.

@Savemefromwetdog

Completely disagree with all of this, tbh. Any older men who become single at my work are snapped up almost immediately, with plenty to choose between. Almost all get together with someone younger. Never seen that with any middle-aged women who become single in the same way.
I don't know anything about the men you work with but in my experience, the average 50 year old bloke isn't getting many second glances.

Joe Swash abandoned first child/ren bc didn’t want the responsibility - now portrayed as devoted father of the year to his new 3 (?) and stepsons.

Well they’re extremely high earners. Probably skews it a bit!

My partner has a child with his ex, she also states he was useless blah blah, my opinion is that he was miserable and now he isn't, not the same for everyone

I'm cynical as hell - I've seen enough not to be.

It's this - a LOT of the time.

This makes no sense. A man of 45 or 50 is "older" than many women he might date, but plenty of men that age are very attractive.

Perhaps you are one of those people who only think 25 year olds are attractive but that's unusual for women in my experience.

Definitely not in my case.
Il start ñ saying he completely useless at any domestic task including DIY and car so by does earnt decent money..
Ifd say he probably eant and spent more money in the second party of his first marriage that during the very vast party of our relationship.
He definitely was far more involved with his children in that relationship too, in fact they still hold a magical power over him that is plain to see to everyone including my children. I don't know what it is. He is oblivious to it .I suspect it's" guilt" for" leaving his children behind,( he he saw them 4 times a week). At it's definitely not always been the case. My children have always had a very good life with me, I've made sure of it, I've ensure they get to do fun things go to interesting places etc they have never really even connected day doesn't come too. It clearly just deupends on the individual.

This. The first time they think they can leave to find the joy of their 20s again. The second time they more often realise it’s not that simple.

also I think the financial impact hits hard - if they’ve halved assets once they’re unlikely to want to do it again.

They're probably more mature and happier in their relationship. Many people learn from their mistakes, don't they?

He definitely was far more involved with his children in that relationship too, in fact they still hold a magical power over him that is plain to see to everyone including my children. I don't know what it is. He is oblivious to it .I suspect it's" guilt" for" leaving his children behind,( he he saw them 4 times a week).

This is what I was trying to say earlier. Some men have so much guilt about their 'first family' children that the 'second family' children just get crumbs. People try to justify it by saying "at least the second family children get to live with their Dad all the time" but if a man is only engaged/doing fun stuff etc when the first ones arrive, the second children will soon pick up on this. Its a very hard dynamic to navigate

I think often splits are due to unequal domestic responsibilities in the home where male entitlement has meant that either he doesn't appreciate what his female partner does and resents her for the impact that inequality has on her (tired, overwhelmed, less sexual desire etc) which triggers the split, or she realises that he isn't bringing enough to the partnership for it to be worth it. He will then have a period of time as a parent without the benefit of a wife. As a result, he is more likely to appreciate the benefit of having a female partner in future relationships and will often (but certainly not always!) take his domestic responsibilities more seriously as a result. His pool of potential partners will have narrowed now he is a parent so there may also be an element of appreciating the opportunity to have a partner more. Of course this won't be the case for everyone but I do think it's a societal trend as a whole.

It’s just second time around. Like most things in life, you get better at things.

It could be this but I strongly suspect it's a feeling of being stuck. He can blame the first wife for making him miserable and him having to leave, but having a second child/set of children and leaving again? Kind of easier to see that the problem lies with him then, isn't it, despite what he claims. So he ends up stuck with a woman and second family that he didn't particularly want. Lots of reasons I suppose though.

Or he could just like the 2nd wife more.