To think men often 'do better' for their 2nd family?

[GoodToBeHome]

Of all the men I know that have met/married and had children with another woman after divorce from the first wife seem to do much better by the second family than they did the first. They are almost partner/parent of the year the second time around!
Is it just because they are finally more mature? More settled down? There must be something to it as it happens too often just to be coincidence.

More mature and learned from their mistakes?

Yes, I think it is selfish of women too - should have clarified. But I was just answering the main OP about fathers doing better for the second families.

In my experience (and I mean as a child, in my own family, but also with cousins and friends), plus as an adult, it has mostly been the man that leaves, the first family are always made worse off, it's always a struggle for the mother and consequently the kids, and then made worse when he goes on to have a second, and sometimes third, family.

Interesting.
I cannot give opinion about children, but my husband is and has been far better and more decent on his second marriage (my first) and he definitely didn't seek "subservience", although there's a big age gap between us.
As per PP, practical side and putting our assets together for financial stability were my main reasons, admitted without torture.
Married for 20 years, my husband has definitely "mellowed" as he got older, probably a factor in the second families too.
But some men screw both families up, without fail.

Brilliant 😂

Surely this is the case across the board in every aspect of life, whether you're a man or a woman, that you do better the second time having learned from your mistakes of the first time?

I was better at skiing the second time I did it because the first time I had no idea what I was doing. I did better in my second job than my first because I'd sought out one that suited me more. I enjoyed sex more the second time I had it than the first because I knew what I wanted out of it. My third proper relationship is the one that's lasted the distance so far because of all the lessons I learned from the first two failing.

It doesn't make it hurt less but it seems perfectly obvious that this should be the case for men and their second families.

This. ^ When they're younger they can have their pick of women more. When they're getting on a bit/developing a paunch/have thinning hair etc, the pool of women who wants them is much smaller. That's why many men are nicer to their wives as they get older, because they know if they lose her, that they will very likely not get another woman. She may not get another man, but women don't need men as much as men need women.

@Whycanineverthinkofone hmm...awful lot of blame going on the ex wife there which seems very convenient. Your DH didn't "have" to have more children, I'm sure he could have done more to fight for and raise them, but most people take the easy way out and try again, and it's the first kids that get the shit deal.

I don't agree with people going on to have more children in subsequent relationships, but I'm quite surprised how honest people are being here about the fact the next lot of children are do overs replacing the first lot due to the parents' mistakes. People normally try to hide that or pretend it's out of love or some BS like that.

Or he just likes her better? Are you really assuming all men in second marriages are actually just pretending to be nice?

Some are probably just a lot more compatible with the second partner.

Plus, couples often grow apart; the things that drew them together gradually fall by the wayside over the years.

Also, second time around means previous experience, more maturity and maybe more patience.

DS divorced many years ago after a good 20 years marriage,her ex remarried and she’s said many times he appears to be a much better husband/ father now than he ever was when with her and their kids, but as a result has become a better dad/ grandad to them

DH has a man he's relatively good friends with. One of the reasons he's struggled to really become true friends with him is that this guy is a very hands on, involved dad to his two DS. Only, it turns out, he has two older DS from a previous marriage in another country. He left that country when they were very small and came here. We don't know exactly why or how, but DH can't get his head around a man walking away from his children like that.

Similarly my father's father abandoned him and my grandmother when my dad was a baby - my dad only met him a couple of times. But he went on to be married and have more children who appear to have had very good relationships with him. weird.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway That's just not true for any remotely kind man who is financially solid. I know quite a few single middle aged women who would really like a partner and no single middle aged men because they get snapped up as soon as they're single. Men have a far greater choice if only because much younger women will accept them and the reverse isn't generally true.

My husband and his ex-wife are both much happier in their second marriages.

Sometimes one relationship doesn't work and another one does.

He is the same person he was and, i suspect, the same father he was.

I think human beings like to see patterns where they don't exist.

Probably because if they walk out on one family then yes, it's shit, but he can make up excuses to make it seem less bad ie lie about how the relationship was over and they were just living together, lie about the ex being crazy/abusive/whatever, and they 'had' to leave for their mental health. So then they have to do their best by the second family and stick around. And if it doesn't work out with the second family, well everyone can then clearly see who has been at fault all along.

In my father's case - he left to be with the OW and couldn't bear it if it was for nothing or came to nothing - so he gave maximum effort to make it work. (I know this because he had got drunk, became maudlin and blurted it to his mates at a family BBQ not realising I was also in the room)

I was so angry with him that it was the fear of judgment from others was such a driving force that he projected a damned Disney show for all and sundry that second time around was absolutely perfect.

In effect, the second time around he worked very very hard at his relationship, he put his time effort and money............. so as not to feel judgment or shame.

Was definitely the case with my own dad. He told my mother numerous times when we kids were small that he wished he’d never married and had kids. Fast forward to when I was a teen he left my mother for another woman who had 2 toddlers. He’s still there now. I don’t have much to do with him!

We all learn by practice and mistakes so there can be an element of that, also second families often come later in life when people have settled into who they are and what they want.
Having said that I work in criminal justice and when I was a practitioner worked with many men who had children with multiple women, they didn't treat the last set any better than the first and sometimes it was worse as their behaviour and substance misuse had escalated by that point.

My best friend is in a similar situation with her DH, he has a daughter in another country he rarely sees and never mentions, so I was worried when she married him and had kids. However he's a brilliant father to them, one of the best dads I've ever seen.

After meeting the daughter when she came over to visit I understand it more, she's obviously a very difficult child (rude, bratty, bullying, even to adults) and his other two are very different. I think perhaps the mother was the problem in that one.

So becuase the chidl is difficult, it was okay for him to abandon her?

Could be a chicken and egg situation here - maybe she's rude and bratty because her dad disappeared?

My observation is the younger woman has the man wrapped around her finger and rules the roost. Not at all subservient. They demand more from them as fathers too. And the never to respond better

It's no surprise really. Most men don't 'grow up' until they hit 40! 😂

I'm a second wife and DH is great but he freely admits he was not mature enough or ready to marry his first wife and deliberately sabotaged the marriage.

One thing I will say to mitigate this, is that I think a lot of men really struggle with the shock and reality of having children. I m ean, many of us do, but in my experience, for some men that shock can really really be hard to get over and to adjust to and I know a few men who even know, 10 years later, are still struggling.

But I can also see those men finding it easier the second time with a second family because it's LESS of a shock?

Some of them maybe do. Some of them are wankers both times!

This is the case for my DH too and his ex.

He's a fab Dad to all his children and always has been. They are adults now and he's close to them all.