To think men often 'do better' for their 2nd family?

[GoodToBeHome]

Of all the men I know that have met/married and had children with another woman after divorce from the first wife seem to do much better by the second family than they did the first. They are almost partner/parent of the year the second time around!
Is it just because they are finally more mature? More settled down? There must be something to it as it happens too often just to be coincidence.

Yes because life's mistakes make a person grow and mature and be a better person. Also if a couple who work through their problems then they can both change immeasurably and become better parents and partners with each other. It's just sad that a lot break up before putting in huge amounts of work (I mean therapy etc) to learn this

Happened with me and dad's 2nd family

I think that the women are more mature too, and have much higher expectations and, importantly, aren't afraid to put up with any shit themselves the second time round. That's certainly been the case with me, anyway.

Seems like you're assuming the first relationship ended because of the man and that women don't have equal responsibility in relationships. Are women perfect parents in all these situations you describe?

I dont know about familys but a lot of single childless men now are staying single and i dont blame them.

@RawBloomers chose a partner that suited them better?
Blaming the ex wife for not being good enough for her poor husband, so he had to go elsewhere?

Wow.

Were you an OW perchance?!

We as women are told to raise the bar but sometimes i think some need to lower it.
Every 7 out of 10 threads is about money its like funding the life style not the kids and its never enough.
Its always the other woman or the mans fault never look at there own actions.
Not all women are perfect parents my mother was the worst.

People can be ill suited for various reasons. Understanding what those are generally leads to ending up with a partner with different attributes.

Your response to a reasonable post is very over sensitive.

There is no blame attached to the first wife in my post.

You have a very weird way of looking at compatibility.

I’m a first wife, not an OW.

Dh has always wanted marriage and kids.

his first wife was quite young when they met, chased him hard. He thought she really loved him, the families got on well and it all seemed to fall into place.

2 kids later she has some sort of crisis, starts clubbing and partying, cheats on him and moves her new bloke in.

it’s worked with me because we were older and more realistic about a partnership rather than the wedding and kids.

she’s not a nice person. Has shown her true colours over the years - she’s one of those people who can be lovely to your face when it suits, but will turn on you in a second.

I’m low basically no contact with my dad, we got abusive crazy dad who was barely there but made life miserable when he was, the second family got Disney dad, who is sunshine and rainbows 🙄 if you can do it for the new family you could do it before you twat

I'm always amazed when people who already have children have more with a later partner. I don't know that many in this situation, though I do know two friends whose exes have both had babies when their first children are older teenagers, though ive ne er seen the exes again as both have moved to other towns. I wouldn't necessarily say either is a better dad second time round, though I certainly think their first marriages had run their course. It just seems so bizarre to me to have another lot.

A friends dad at his 70th birthday party made a speech thanking his 'three lovely children'. He has five, all of whom were present that night. Tbh in that case their mother was actually a worse parent than the dad. Some people just shouldn't have children at all.

Last act of a desperate man, innit. They bumble along all complacent and selfish, then the rug gets pulled from under their useless feet by wife #1 who is completely drowning, unseen by him, under the weight of his bullshit..

The genuine prospect of living in a shared house/bedsit/back at mummy dearest's has a remarkable effect on how high this type of man can pull their socks up, all of a sudden.

It’s kind of obvious that men and women tend to try harder when they get a second chance, and are more often with a partner that is more compatible.

Same here. He’s been happily married and she’s been through a string of relationships in which the men leave, two after filing domestic violence charges against her. DH has been a great husband and father to his first two kids and our subsequent ones.

This is the case for a lot of couples though, especially ones who married young. My best friend and her XH got together at 18 and stayed together until 31. They both freely admit they were poor spouses for each other and are happily remarried now with second families (they share one DS together). They get along great now but were horrible when married.

DH was a good enough father to his older children. He's a great one to our kids. He was a lot younger when he had his first family. He really needed a lot of therapy to get over his own childhood which he didn't get until after his divorce. When he was younger he was hugely focussed on providing financially for his family but didn't realise his value to his kids in an emotional sense. A lot of men seem to mature more slowly and are less likely to get therapy etc unless pushed to a crisis point.

I think it's because they need to work harder to prove to the wider world that they weren't the problem. After some time though, the mask does eventually slip because a leopard never changes its spots.

My ex has always been a pretty half-hearted parent but I suppose he has learned from his relationship with me because his new partner neither has nor wants kids (and is his employee so I suppose is far more likely to take instructions from him).

@swingandtrampoline I really don't think most men worry about what other people think of their first marriage. Women seem to fret a lot more about what other people think of them. Even men who leave in the worst of ways still have the same friends etc.

Pretty much true of most of the people I know in second marriages both male and female I know one lady that has been married 3 times, and one man that has been married twice and in 2 long term relationships. Both of them are currently single. The man in fairness only had children with his first wife and has always been a very present and good father and is now a very present and good grandfather he just doesn't seem very good at relationships

A lot of men seem to mature more slowly and are less likely to get therapy etc unless pushed to a crisis point.

Shame they go around having babies despite not reaching that 'maturity' yet though isn't it.

I think men having second families is always selfish, and usually hugely damaging to the first family's children. He will obviously have less time for his original children, less money, less energy. And the first kids will see him playing happy families with the next lot, and then have to go home to their mother's. Certainly this is what I have seen of the families in my life.

Not true for me lol. I was the second wife and family, he was much worse with me than he was her. Just appalling, abusive with us both. But less covert and far more overt with me and our children in the end.

I heard the last few gf’s ended things with him. Not sure if that’s relevant.

But it’s not selfish for a woman to go on to have a second family?

in dh’s case yes it was utterly shit for the children. But that was their mother’s fault- one for having the affair and splitting up the family, second for playing games with the child’s affection and allowing contact around her own needs. Also for alienating the children and ensuring they felt they had to take sides.

dh had children to raise them. To take them to piano lessons, to read stories at night, parents evenings, choosing schools,the whole lot. She took that away from him and gave it to another man.

so yes he had more children. And got to be a full time parent, while still being the best part time dad he could be.

to be honest anyone who has a child is selfish.