Sad about how life has turned out

[Cinno]

Can't help but feel sad about how life has turned out as a single mum. I know I'm suppose to pretend to love it but I can't, I hate it and I'm so lonely and miserable it's not early days so no it won't "get better" I hate it the more time goes on. How do you get over the fact life hasn't turned out how you'd hoped?

I agree with others, you need to make positive changes. No one will do it for you and no partner is going to magically appear and give you a perfect family life.

See your GP, Your kids are all at school, ok you WFH but sure that gives you some flexibility to get some free time to yourself during the day-go for a walk, join a gym, go to local leisure centre do a yoga class, join a book group in the day, volunteer for half a day in a charity shop, take your kids to a church group at the weekend and meet other families. There are loads of options but you need to actually DO them.

How is she going to find someone and create a family unit if she never has any childfree time and can’t afford babysitters?

OP I’m in the same predicament. It seems impossible.

People seem to be missing this unless they are suggesting I bring men around my children from the get go, I know many women do but that's not something that I would do

He definitely has a mental illness I won't go into details as don't want to be judged but yes he 100% is not lying about his mental illness.

Ok so fair enough your kids don’t want to go to the playground but what about going out for a pizza, cinema, a friend’s house?

My beta experiences as a mother have been with other women.

I do understand about the children's ages - I find that in betweeny age where they're not quite independent but not very easy to entertain quite isolating too, and my situation isn't as lonely as yours. I think you have to drag them out anyway and put up with a bit of moaning because as much as mine do moan they'll retrospectively admit to having enjoyed it at least somewhat. It's an awful time of year too but it's nearly spring - time for a family project of some kind? What would you do with your time if you did get a day off? Can you try and do a version of that with the kids? Or try leaving your eldest in charge just for an hour each day?

We do that stuff occasionally but I was answering a question as to why I can't do the stuff I done when they were little because they don't want to anything like that is an occasional treat due to cost I just meant life was more simple back then they were easily pleased with a picnic in the park

I tend to agree with this.

I'm a lone parent. Ex doesn't pay maintenance as his income is sporadic and largely cash in hand. I've virtually no social life and no family nearby to facilitate nights out. My one attempt at a relationship post-breakup crashed and burned largely, in part, because I had to rigidly manage my time and he just wasn't up for it. I am perpetually tired and skint. I don't own my own home and probably never will. I am hitting middle age hard.

But I realise this is only a phase of my life. I'm positive about the future. I quit work and went back to uni to retrain to enable a better life for myself and my DC. I used to be someone who poured cold water on ideas when they were suggested to me, because it all seemed overwhelming - but I was so negative, and stuck in a mentality of lack, and it took a series of bereavements to shake me out of that.

I fully appreciate how hard it is, and how it feels insurmountable, but in a few short years your youngest will be in secondary school and that will make an enormous difference. You have to start approaching this in a proactive way. And, go to a GP and seek support.

I truly don't understand people who have children & then decide they don't want them anymore & just walk away from them. I would be incandescent with rage & honestly i would have pursued this through the courts.

What was he like before he left? Was his mental health aways poor? What's the story with his family? Do they not see the dc either?

I think wfh probably seems like a solution but in reality isn't as its not allowing you to expand any sort of social network as working out of the home would

OP I think you really do need to secure some help for yourself so you can assist your children to grow up & mature into young adults who understand & value friendship. It's SO important

It's natural for teens & preteens to pull away from mum (& dad) but usually in favour of spending more time with pals. Not to just literally sit in their bedrooms.

Do they play sports? Have clubs or hobbies?

When they hit that stage you have to find other ways of staying connected to them & i say this as a parent of late teens / young adult. I do have a dh who is very engaged so I know our situation is different. We live v far from family so no help there.

We had to encourage dc to develop their own network of friends & facilitate that

How many people do you speak to?

How many people do you randomly make a remark to, start a conversation with?

I can understand how you can become isolated. However it isn’t about other people not speaking to you but you not speaking to other people. It takes a huge effort to make that first step.

I know many single mother and they love their lives, even the ones who were left with no choice but to be a single parent
Only one has a father involved who takes them every other weekend.

I would look at seeing a doctor as PND can continue for years if left untreated. I would also ask about getting yourself a blood test to see if there is a lack of any vitamins and minerals. Going for a walk or just going out side for 5 minutes during your breaks/lunch time would help get some Vitamin D into you.
I would also look at your diet and the diet of your children to see if they are eating lots of colourful fruit and veg.
I would also look at what benefits you can claim. (Entitledto website)
Do any of your dc have a ND, are you claiming PIP, council tax rebate etc

I ask because I have a couple of single parent mum friends who rely solely on benefits and even they are able to hire a baby sitter every few weeks, have their dc in ECA’s and we are all in London so it isn’t exactly cheap

I would spend an evening after dc are in bed to go over your finances with a fine tooth comb and work out what you exactly need to survive and what you need to live comfortably and save for a holiday etc
Do you shop around for power/mobile phones/insurances etc

Then look at ways to get there

You don’t need to go looking for a new boyfriend, you need to start with casual friends to pass the time of day with first

I don’t really get this. Your kids go to school and are of an age where they can do lots of (free) activities afterwards, if you organise them. You can also make an effort to make friends with the school mums and sort sleepovers.

You could find work outside the home, if you wanted to, and meet people that way.

You can make free time for yourself and develop interests. You appear to be choosing to wallow, instead of Your life hasn’t ’turned out’ any way, as you’re still living it and there’s lots of ways it can go. Which one you pick is entirely up to you.

I agree with this but unfortunately court won't do anything, nothing at all ive looked into it and court can not force a parent to have them, unfortunately he has no family otherwise I would have been trying my best to reach out to them to see if at least they want a relationship with the children.

Oh I could arrange someone to regularly have 4 kids at exactly the same time? All different people? Overnight? missed the post where I said one of my kids has no friends and has been bullied at school so who can I make take him overnight

@Notlikingthisforever

I’m sorry OP that you have had a lot of shit Cosmo magazine type ‘advice’ from people who have not bothered to read your post ( you were quite clear this is not a new situation for you) or made assumptions about you, without bothering to ascertain your situation ( such as assuming you actually have support to go out and do stuff).

I'm sorry, but as a former single parent who experienced years of this, the OP does need the riot act reading to her a bit here. Some tough self-love is needed. Posts like this are just encouraging her to wallow.

Yes a lot of this is outside of OP's grasp, it's certainly not her fault and its fucking hard and grinds you down. No one would blame her for feeling she'd been kicked by life, she has.

But the relentless negativity and self-pity is only guaranteed to make this worse. It's fine to acknowledge that you are unhappy with your life and to vent but when you refuse to take on board any positivity or to listen to any advice and just wail on and on about how awful everything is you're becoming your own worst enemy. There comes a time where you have to give yourself a bit of a kick up the arse.

OP your children will get older. You will start to reclaim some of your life and eventually acquire more freedom. When that happens you need to have something to drive you forwards, some dreams and ambitions. You will not do this if you choose to frame your life as "it's all shit and my life is over".

Please, for your own sake and for that of your children, try to take small steps to improve the way you look at your life. You can't change everything but you can start to change your outlook a bit. Try to get some counselling to help you deal with this very depressed and negative outlook on life.

You sound so unhappy, I am really sorry about that. I genuinely think there are things you could do to improve your situation, but I'm not sure you are open to suggestions at the moment? Nothing wrong with that, sometimes it is helpful just to vent.

You need to get yourself into a better place before you even think about men tbh (which is what you keep coming back to).

Bottom line is that a man worth having, the sort you would want is going to be looking for similar in a woman. He ls not going to he looking for a 'fixer upper' who hasn't sorted her own life out and is negative about everything.

It doesn't get mentioned a lot nowadays but the advice on MN used to be to become the best version of yourself to attract someone worth having and that is so true.

You don't want a 'rescuer' because they're problematic long term. You want someone who is attracted to your positivity, your zest for life, your resilience and someone who is able to find the silver lining to the clouds.

You can find someone to have the family unit with but you need to be the sort of person a decent man would want the family unit with before you even think of ways to meet him or the logistics of how a relationship would work.

As much as anything, those things are all key to enjoying the life you have until that man comes along.

Okay, OP…you have had a ton of empathy, a chance to vent, a ton of helpful, well informed advice (as well as cliches and some awful advice)…so what are you going to do as a result of this thread.

Here are some options that seem viable and doable. They don’t instantly give you connections and a social circle or a full day/night to yourself but they are the beginnings…

1. Make a ‘team’ with the kids and do stuff together - perhaps plan a trip
2. Give the kids jobs to do such as cooking and cleaning.
3. Insist they entertain themselves for a few hours while you do something you like
4. Think about what you like and carve out time for that
5. Speak to your GP about support for your mental health
6. Take control of your diet and fitness
7. Get outside during the day for fresh air
8. Use the flexibility of WFH to join a daytime club
9. Join an online community
10. Phone the gingerbread support line
11. Learn something new - a sport, a language, an instrument, a craft
12. Volunteer somewhere for a short time (some charities you can do stuff with your kids so you don’t need to find childcare)

There will be more. I’m not saying that things still won’t be shit. Things can be shit AND you can be taking small steps to things becoming less shit.

OP it sounds like you're at rock bottom, burned out, and in desperate need of a break. I really feel for you.

I don't know what to say except you have every right to feel sad about how your life has turned out.

Whan I've felt a bit like how you feel (never as bad, you're coping with an almost intolerable situation), what's helped is the opposite of the "look on the bright side" advice here.

You need to validate your sadness over and over, let the emotion flow through you. THIS is how we start feeling better. We can't force optimism. It arises naturally once reality has been properly grieved over.

Not joking, once of the most helpful things anyine ever said to me was simply "poor you", and they sat with me for a while. No solutions (obviously you can think of those yourself) and no forced positivity.

Zen Nudist I'm sorry to say that I disagree with you. To be frozen in loneliness is extremely hard. A single parent has all day, all evening on their own. Nobody to come home to, nobody to share a funny moment, or chat about the day. Eating, cooking, sleeping alone. Many people have busy lives and can't socialise. Single women aren't always welcome in the company of couples. If a person is gregarious, how can they change their attitude when lonely? Winter doesn't encourage being outdoors. I agree that this single mother might need meds, but that isn't changing anything. She also believes the best days are over. That she has nothing to look forward to. I know of many people who long to be younger, and do not believe that the best is yet to come. How could she change things?

Just realised you mentioned the age of your children in the previous page, sorry OP.

Some children's clubs offer discounts if you are on universal credit, not sure if this applies to you as you are working but worth checking out maybe?

Is there a local youth / children's community in your area?

I have one in my area and they organise free activities for families. Maybe look into these things, they usually have a Facebook page as well.

OP, your situation sounds very difficult. Why don’t you look for a job where you have to actually go to the workplace? Wouldn’t you feel better if you were interacting properly with other adults all day?

OP, I'm sorry but your going to have to accept this is how your life is.
You will have to reframe your thinking and appreciate the things that you do have, not the things that you dont.
In terms of dating things will be difficult. The fact that you have 4 children, would mean that if any man was romantically interested, they need to allow all 4 of your kids to be a part of his life.
Most men would see 4+kids as baggage unfortunately.
It is sad but unfortunately there is not a lot you can do

Your kids are old enough to stay home for an hour or two if you wanted to get alone time. The oldest could watch the youngest at 13. Or you could wait another year if you did not feel comfortable. But a 13 year old is capable to watch someone who is 7.

I was a single mum, due to my husband pissing off with a work colleague when our child was a baby. I will not patronise you by saying it made me strong and independant although it did. It floored me, exhausted me, messed up my work plans as I just took part time stuff that would fit round nursery (which was only 5 morinings a week from age 3 in the days of the late 80's ) and then school. My ex did not pay any child support so I was bloody broke for years. What I used to tell myself was that if a man was doing all the things that I did as a single mum, raise a child, earn the money, pay the bills,shop. cook, clean, garden, decorate and all the rest of it, then they would be the subject of a documentary. "See this amazing man, look how incredible he is" . You will get through, it does get better as they get more indepdant but yes, it can be a lonely struggle and it can feel scary too. I had days when I simply didn't want to do it, I wanted a lie in, I wanted to take to my bed when I was ill but you can't you just have to battle on. I did go back to college and retrain so that meant more money and we managed a few holidays. My mum was very supportive but she died when my child was still very young. Good bits? not having to put up with a useless man, I have seen friends with parteners who range from the hopeless through to the abusiive and that made me feel "at least I am in charge". Conversely I would see friends who were with loving and supportive partners and I would feel such pangs of lonlliness and envy. Had boyfriends but never moved anyone in as my child was my priority. The best bit was the love I had for my child.

I didn’t say anything about regular overnights for all four kids. My post was quite clear, I believe.

You seem to think in very black and white terms - it’s all or nothing? If you can’t get someone to have them all overnight, there’s no point, so your life is awful?

Exactly. I am aware there aren't many men that would be queuing up to date a single mum to 4 that never gets a night to herself it's other posters that seem to think this is completely easy and possible. I know most men would run a mile and I wouldn't blame them.