Sad about how life has turned out

[Cinno]

Can't help but feel sad about how life has turned out as a single mum. I know I'm suppose to pretend to love it but I can't, I hate it and I'm so lonely and miserable it's not early days so no it won't "get better" I hate it the more time goes on. How do you get over the fact life hasn't turned out how you'd hoped?

How old are you?

We are all entitled to wallow but at some point we have to snap out of it for ourselves I morning else.

OP there is an end in sight here in a couple of years your oldest will be old enough to be left alone and to mind another child.
So you can do something in the evenings if you want to.

And the things you enjoyed doing when they were young why not do them with the 8 year old now?

How old are you? I’m 60 and I’m having some of the best times at the moment. I was single from when DD was a toddler. She’s now 29. Yes, sometimes it’s tough, but it doesn’t have to be lonely. You can still see other people, have a hobby, date if you want (I didn’t really, because I didn’t want to) as a precious PP said - what precisely is making you unhappy? What can you do to improve it?

It does get easier as they get older.

Even just nipping to the shops is much easier when you don’t have to drag your kids out with you.

You can actually sit down with a coffee and a game on your phone, without them almost killing themselves like when they were toddlers.

It does make me sad that you are basing your happiness on having a relationship.

Apart from sex you can still have meaningful relationships with people that don’t have to be partners.

Your biggest issue here is WFH.
I would literally be tearing my hair out if I WFH.
My career is literally a huge part of my life. I am needed in my job and it’s rewarding. Even the times when it’s stressful I thrive on it.

I am exhausted from the socialising I do from my work that I don’t have time to be lonely.
Then on the weekends I get to have fun with my DC, going for walks, playing games, going swimming etc.

Don’t get me wrong I completely understand how hard it is.

I got pregnant as a teen and my mum kicked me out so I was homeless. I had zero support from the dad or his family and zero support from my family. As my friends were all so young they left me too and any parents I met through nursery and school etc were much older than me.
When I got my first home for months all I had was a mattress on the floor that me and my DD shared and a kettle for her bottles, no tv, washing machine, fridge, sofa etc. But I was so thankful that I had a safe place to call our own.

I had awful PND and I would go weeks without seeing anyone. But every day would get a little better because my DD got older and I got things like a TV etc.

The biggest thing was that I went from being an evening cleaner (so I could take her with me) and didn’t see anyone, to getting a job that I saw people and I was valued and respected.

I wasn’t just a mum, I was my own person.

If you don’t want to stop WFH then find other ways to get meaning in your life.
You need to socialise more (even if it’s not with friends) and find a hobby or something.

I live rurally so it can be difficult but even a weekly book club might be of interest to you.
If it’s local then leave your eldest in charge for an hour.

Have you tried calling gingerbread a help group for single parents? It may help you to be in contact with others in the same situation and you can support each other

Have you spoken to your GP about depression? Not being able to find any joy or hope in life sounds like depression to me. You enjoyed it when they were younger but don’t now, so you can enjoy life again. Counselling is also a great idea, look into free counselling near you and go for it, im sure it will help.

It really isn't, my biggest issue is having no days off for myself like most single parents

And the things you enjoyed doing when they were young why not do them with the 8 year old now?

I meant when they were babies/ toddlers, the 10 year old never wants to go anywhere and not old enough to be left alone

OP, do you work, have friends and a social life of some kind? I have experience of single parenthood and appreciate the loneliness of it all. Remember that alot of people didn't intend on becoming a single parent.
I agree with others about reframing your mindset and take one step at a time.
Easier said than done but I talk as someone who was terribly depressed and lonely. Also remember that being single is okay. Too many people need another person to complete them. Great if you meet someone who cares and compliments your life but not someone who makes your life more complicated.
Take care OP 🙏

I like the baby and toddler years unpopular opinion but yes I really enjoyed that time, now they never want to go anywhere or do anything

I completely get that as I never had any days off either.

But now your kids are getting older you might not be able to have a full day off but you can go and have an hour or 2 to yourself.

As they keep getting older you can keep having more and more time to yourself.

You’ve done the hard part where they needed constant watching and input from you.
If you can get through that then the next few years will be much easier.

Maybe they are picking up on your negativity and just think what's the point in doing anything? Or maybe they worry about causing you more stress or unhappiness. I am not saying this to upset you but they do pick up on our bad/good moods so easily

Gosh that is very harsh on the children that their father doesn't want to see them... when was he last in their lives?

How have they coped with their father not wanting to see them?

They have not seen him in 2 years and he has never had them overnight since we split, the last contact was in my house 2 years ago when he visited for one of their birthdays. The older two say they don't care and don't want to see him.

I’m sorry you feel like this. Life isn’t always easy but little changes can make a big difference. What is your diet like? Do you excericse? Are you getting any time in nature? Are you taking vitamin d? Getting enough sleep? Looking after yourself is your responsibility and will have a direct impact on how you feel. It’s the only thing you can control.

They no I find it more boring being at home tbh, it's not that anyway they are just typical of their age they no longer want to do these things from others with kids these ages ive seen that it's pretty normal to not want to do these things anymore the things that are good for the 7 year old they find boring and babyish most preteens no longer want to hang out with their mum at the park from what I've been told

Yes. I totally agree as all my posts have said! 😊

And yet if they did want to go out you'd complain you couldn't afford it and if they wanted to do things you'd complain you were too tired.

Have you always only seen the negative in everything or do you think this is depression caused by the break up?

Are you dating? At least talking to people online without having to leave the house or spend any money? Statistically you should be able to find someone better than your ex where you can create the family unit you want.

Know*

Why doesn't he pay for them?

Not working due to mental illness though it's been 8 years

I agree. I get that her situation is hard, but OP comes across as one of the most negative people I have seen on these boards.

How is she going to find someone and create a family unit if she never has any childfree time and can’t afford babysitters?

OP I’m in the same predicament. It seems impossible.

I always find these sorts of "woe is me" threads super frustrating. People trying to provide helpful advice and just being met with constant negativity (I can't this, I can't that) from someone who just seems to want to wallow in their own misery.

Look OP, I'm sorry you're finding things tough, but ultimately life isn't going to change unless you make the effort to change it. Nobody here can do that for you.

There is no reason you can't change anything about your life if you really want to.

He sounds a nightmare. Are you sure it is 'mental illness' or could he be working cash in hand? Did he have a job before the split?

Yes - maybe get them to take part in after school clubs / activities.
Most schools do free activities like homework club after school.

It might not be much and will not drastically change your life, but an hour here and there will help especially since you have no other support you need to take advantage of whatever opportunity there is available