Sad about how life has turned out

[Cinno]

Can't help but feel sad about how life has turned out as a single mum. I know I'm suppose to pretend to love it but I can't, I hate it and I'm so lonely and miserable it's not early days so no it won't "get better" I hate it the more time goes on. How do you get over the fact life hasn't turned out how you'd hoped?

I agree but sometimes when someone is stuck in the place for too long it becomes unhelpful to do the ‘poor you’ thing on its own.

It needs ‘poor you’ AND a reminder of ways forward and a nudge to remembering they aren’t powerless.

And I'm only saying this because I'm in the same situation myself. I'm completely burnt out

I think people are not understanding my post im sad that my life feels on hold till they've grown up which is a long way off ive already been single for 8 years it's lonely isolating and soul destroying the people who don't understand this have obviously never felt so painfully lonely that it hurts.

Plenty of single parents in a very similar position to the OP have responded and answered that very question you posed.

But the OP has ignored them.

There ae those who will find a solution for every problem and they can be a bit irritating. But then there are those who can only find a problem for every solution...

Self employed? No colleagues?

I don't know if you do. I'm sad, resigned, enjoying what I can. That seems to be about the best I can do.

How old are your children?

I think the end is in sight soon than that.

The 8 year old will be 13 in 5 years, old enough to be left for a few hours.

Thats less time than the 8 years you’ve spent being a single parent.

I have.

I've had days when the pain of loneliness felt like something that, if I could have cut it out if me, I would. A huge gaping, gnawing emptiness inside that physically hurt and seemed to expand until the pressure was almost too much to bear. I had days when I felt I couldn't breathe properly because the dense, black mass of loneliness and pain was such a burden.

You're not alone in feeling like this but you seem to he completely resistant to any suggested solutions. Even small ones. Even in the short term. You're not even willing to try.

OP im so sorry for your sadness. Ive been a single mum for 6 years. I can tell you, it does get better as they get older. Some days are really difficult and some days hurt but it does get better. I know this doesn’t apply to everyone but I found faith helped me feel grounded and have hope. Im not saying that you should be religious, simply saying it helped me through tough times.

best of luck for the future

I think OP has looked at other posts but people are not understanding her:
She has no family help
She has to do all the cooking, cleaning, ,housework, homework help for 4 children
As kids get older, they do need more support so the fact that OP is also working full time means she is spread very thinly.
On the basis of this, she would struggle to find the time to socialise. But even when socialising, she might see other families with both parents, which of course might be triggering as she is experiencing parenthood journey alone.
OP would also want companionship, but given her circumstances will be hard to find someone who has serious intentions.
All I'm trying to say, it's not that simple. OP is burnt out

OP I do understand it - I was single for 10 years and before that with my ex I might as well have just been single already, he was useless - but the fact remains that if you double down on negativity and obsessing over it you’re just creating an even worse situation for yourself.

You need to make some time for yourself. The older ones can cope for a couple hours with the younger kids. Nothing will happen.

Even if you’re not religious, attending a local church might help you start building connections and give you some respite.

(also my boss married a divorced mother of 5! You just never know)

I could be wrong, but in my experience when people are stuck, it's because they haven't had enough validation and are still resisting their reality. That happened to me when xh left, I was with the dc all the time and I couldn't cry. That really pissed me off actually. As a result it took me years to process the heartbreak.

Eventually I did and the sadness lifted by itself, I became much more optimistic and everything felt lighter.

I know it's so instinctive to try to help people feel better by offering solutions, it seems to make so much sense. But my belief about human nature is that there's a necessary stage before that when people need to sit with the emotions. They're messengers that need listening to, and once they're fully acknowledged, they go.

What's extra hard for OP is there's no one there to hold her while she expresses her sadness and disappointment. It's so tough when you have to do that for yourself.

Oh god @Cinno you seem very fixated on dating & the fact that you'll never find a man.

That's the very least of your worries right now imo.

I think you could start a list like a previous poster suggested & start making small positive improvements. Action will make you feel more in control & that in itself will make you feel better.

You desperately need a social outlet for yourself.

What are you interested in? Reading? Join an online book club

Learning a new skill check out your local community college & perhaps there's a teen in your neighbourhood who would br glad of some early evening babysitting?

Do you have neighbours? Have one around for a coffee & a chat? Build a little bit of a network for yourself

I suspect you'll come back to say you live rurally, don't know any neighbours, no teens in your area etc

Which i think brings us back to the same point again which is that you seem like you could use some therapy or meds to help you out of this dark dreary place & to help you realise life is for living & you only get one go at it. And that every single decision you make or don't make has a profound impact on your dc. You're literally imprinting a blueprint of life on them. We all are with our children so we have to make good choices for them.

They need to see you having a good life. Not ground down by the burden of having had them & being left with them

What were you saying about Pollyanna.

Some of us can't meet someone new and nicer. Much as we might want to

But it doesn’t HAVE to be on hold. You can still do stuff to begin making connections that will begin to end the loneliness.

Loneliness is a killer. I KNOW. I’ve been there. I was so desperate that I attempted to end my life. But it was ME that had to start somewhere and make a change. I had to dig fucking deep and push myself into taking those first steps and not give up when things didn’t instantly start to feel better. I had to work hard to make a change while circumstances were still bloody hard. I couldn’t just wallow. You CAN make a change. You just need to DO it.

And thinking that a man is going to come along and fix this isn’t realistic. You need to work on you. You can’t rely on anyone relationship or person for your happiness. It’s not healthy. I don’t think you’d function well in a relationship right now because you’re not in a healthy place. There is no magic wand. You have to do this yourself.

But if you read my first post on here, you'd see that my situation was different but equally devastating and lacking in support.

And I'm not the only one.

We just chose to approach it differently ajd so could she. It wouldn't change the lived day to day reality. Not to begin with anyway but over time a more positive perspective.wpupd help her to see opportunities when they do arise.

Because That’s just toxic positivity shit.

And anyone who has been in a truly crap situation and has tried the ‘be grateful for what you have’ will know that,

I actually think both "sides" are right. It does appear that OP might have scope to make some positive changes, but also she might just need to be heard today.

OP what's helping you most?

5 years sounds like a very long way off 😳 I know what people mean about friends and I understand that but it's not friends I'm looking for my friends don't make me feel less lonely they make me feel more lonely that there lives are so different to mine they all have help and support or kids visit their father they get to date about they are out most weekends they aren't trapped in with kids 24/7 they make me feel more alone

Op are you self employed?

@Cinno so if not friends, what do you want?

I’m struggling to understand what to do you want to change or what steps you want to take to alleviate your life besides just stomping your feet. That will take you nowhere.

I wonder if this is the problem.

I heard of many women who have been SAHMs or the main caregiver for years and they really struggle when their kids get older because their entire way of life has changed.

Because they are more independent and at an age where they don’t want to spend as much time with you, perhaps you’re starting to feel lonely.

I’m the opposite. It’s make me sound like a crap mum but I couldn’t wait until my DD got older and I could finally have some of my life back.

What do you want to do?
You want to start dating, what specifically do you want from that?

If I was you, I would start looking into doing a hobby locally once a week.

Online dating is a minefield and it’s so much easier meeting people through friends.
So I would start making some friends and you could either meet someone through the hobby or through friends you’ve made.
If you don’t meet a partner through it, you would have still made some friends.

I think you need more adult interaction and face to face social interactions with other women more than anything. Are there any co-working spaces where you live? Doing your WFH job once a week in an office environment for a couple of hours could be a place to start.

And aim for a coffee with a friend at the weekend - I know you said you haven’t kept up old friendships but isn’t there anyone who would come round for a coffee or a glass of wine every now and then?

I have to say that I feel very sorry for OP's kids. While it is understandable that the OP is somewhat burned out looking after them, they must be picking up on what a burden she is finding them, and their useless father can't be bothered to see them at all. That won't do their mental health and self esteem any favours.