Sad about how life has turned out

[Cinno]

Can't help but feel sad about how life has turned out as a single mum. I know I'm suppose to pretend to love it but I can't, I hate it and I'm so lonely and miserable it's not early days so no it won't "get better" I hate it the more time goes on. How do you get over the fact life hasn't turned out how you'd hoped?

@Cinno you just keep repeating the same over and over: that you don’t like how it turned out and that you wouldn’t have chosen to be a single parent.

You need help to refocus and stop obsessing over it. That’s not all you are and not all that your life is. Single parenting is always a risk when having children.

'If I died no one would notice'

Your kids would, they would be distraught because you are their world.

Ok well that really is a pointless line of thinking and wading into wallowing territory.

What are you going to do? Spend the rest of your actual living life worrying about who will miss you when you die??

My children were in the same position as was I. I knew that but come.on. you are showing yourself to be your own worst enemy here.

Do you think that you had PND with your youngest? You seem to be very entrenched in your way of thinking. Were things better with your ex before, did his issues come on suddenly?

Can that happen when they are older? As honestly otherwise no, I enjoyed it when they were little it's only as they've got older ive found things got harder and ive felt more isolated as times gone on.

They are the only ones that would notice that's just a fact I can go weeks and months without speaking to another adult, I guess school staff would notice.

Op, I think you’re in a place where you’re frustrated and angry and need to rant and shout that life isn’t fair…and that’s okay…most of us need to do that at some point.

What is important is not to stay there and become bitter and stuck. Rant, shout, cry….but then move forward even just a teeny bit.

Do you exercise at all? Do you eat healthily? You say you work from home, so do you leave the house to go for a walk even for 20 minutes?

I promise you there are small things you can do that may not immediately help but small changes over time can add up and slowly make a difference. I picture a dripping tap…one drip doesn’t seem like much and is barely noticeable but over time it can fill a sink…

You aren’t powerless or hopeless…it’s just REALLY hard right now.

No, I meant just after your youngest was born. I can imagine that would have been very hard, as you were post partum and your relationship had newly broken down, plus you had three other young kids to care for. Perhaps try to recall how you managed then, and what got you through the day, as that must have been almost unimaginably hard.

It sounds like you need some help with your mental health. I would speak to your GP.

This is going to sound harsh, but this is always a risk when you have a big family. There is never any guarantee the man will stick around and loads of men are utterly useless fathers, doing the bare minimum. Then jumping ship when the “pressure gets too much” and “they need time to focus on themselves”. This was my own father, to my mum, and I’m one of 4 kids. So I do get how shit this must be as I lived it with my own parents.

Anyway, your kids are still highly dependent on you at this point. But in a couple of years your eldest two wont be as much which will lighten the load.

I get that a non working from home job may not be an option at the moment but I do think it would do you wonders. There is a world that exists beyond the home and I think it’s so important to build an identity beyond just being a mum. Even if it’s literally for one day a week.

You say you won't be able to change working from home.

Yes, you probably can.

I felt that. I worked from home for years and by the end of it I was crawling up the walls.

But I felt trapped in the job - it was so convenient, I never had to worry about childminders or sickness, I felt really scared of applying for jobs which were not home-based, but at the same time, I was so lonely that I knew I had to take the risk.

Please consider taking a job that is either office based or hybrid, so you at least get some time out of your home where you have to dress up, go to an office and immerse yourself in something different from home and kids. I know it's scary and the financial support is probably still crap, but it's really worth it for the sake or your health and happiness. If you have reasonable transferable skills, you have a decent chance of finding a job that is flexible enough to enable you to work and still be there to deal with emergencies and not be so overwhelmed by working and parenting that you have a nervous breakdown.

For the first few years of parenting alone, I needed safety, cocooning and time to introspect. But looking back, I hung on too long to the safety and I was very much in danger of going the path that you are on, feeling really unhappy and lonely. You have to break out of this and one of the most constructive and accessible ways you can do it, is by reassessing your work set up.

@Cinno Did you have a plan B in case your partner left ? It will get easier as they get older .

The point I was trying to make was that you can do things now with your children. It doesn’t have to be expensive, a camping trip a local festival or event. Take them all, give them jobs to do that make you a team. One of my children seems to be forever showing friends to put up a tent and cook on an outdoor stove. It makes me smile because I taught them. Finding something to do with your teenage children will help you all. My youngest was eight when we did our first big trip.

Why is your ex not having the children and spending time with them? What is the reason he isn't having them every other weekend ? Or at least having the younger two one night a week?

Feel you OP.

I love dc dearly but it really is stressful constantly worrying about money, trying to look for work, caring for baby and 3yo, nasty jibes from xh, endless washing and cleaning. I spend an hour cleaning once the dc go to bed then go myself as I feel so lonely. I’ve literally aged so much and I’m 27. No time to apply makeup or style my hair anymore.

I had a career abroad in my early twenties before dc which I thoroughly enjoyed. Now I’ll most likely be stuck in minimum wage jobs for the rest of my life. Meanwhile my using, bully of an XH is living his high life. I wish I didn’t feel bitter but it really seems so bloody unfair sometimes.

Well yes that I would cope and I am I just hate it and find it miserable lonely and isolating even if we did break up I still expected him to want to see his children and look after them. I'm the only single mum I know (irl not meaning online) whose ex doesn't have the children at all (not saying it doesn't happen) obviously wouldnt have chosen in an ideal world to spend 8 years single, I don't know many people that would unless they are asexual people who have no desire for relationships but I don't know anyone like that and it's obviously not the norm, I didn't expect him to not want to see them at all. You can leave a relationship and still see your children.

Because he doesn't want to.

Gosh that is very harsh on the children that their father doesn't want to see them... when was he last in their lives?

How have they coped with their father not wanting to see them?

I’m so sorry you’re so down and I’m not surprised you feel this way.

Are there any services or charities you can reach out to for help/respite? Worth checking out with Citizens Advice or your GP?

All I can offer is some 💐 and my very best wishes OP

Really. In which case all of us who are a lot older and struggling, should we just give up because it is pointless trying to make things work because all there is to look forward to is misery

Nothing positive to add. I wish they would bring back public flogging but people who create children, then just walk away. No financial support, nothing. They just go about their lives like they have no responsibility. Especially if they have multiple children.
I don't know why people are trying to make this woman feel worse by telling her she is being negative. What she is describing is a shit situation. There is no other way to spin it.

He's a complete waste of space. It's shit but you are defining your whole life by who he is.

A.pp said about taking the children camping or to festivals. I did that with mine. Have ypu ever done anything like that? Not the massive festivals but smaller ones?

Camping is a real leveller. It doesn't matter how expensive someone else's kit is, whe it rains, up all get wet!

I found people.would just befriend us (whether we wanted it or not!) And the children always made friends to go exploring with.

Festivals take the pressure of 'entertaining' them out of it.

And you get to enjoy being with your children as people.

Someone said about being a 'team' with your children and that's what I did with mine. We all had jobs to do we laughed together, played together and it made the hard work feel less of a drudge.

But you have to find the fun.

No one is trying to make her feel worse but sometimes you do just need to give yourself a shake and think hang on, it's not all bad.

That doesn't make the shit stuff less shit but it stops you from dwelling on it.

What did you enjoy when they were little that you can’t do now OP?

So sorry things are so tough OP.

you sound really depressed. It might be a good idea to go and see your GP. Anti depressants might make you feel a bit better. Also ask him to check your FSH levels as menopause can cause depression. I went through it in my late 30s so it can happen early. Many women are on anti-ds yet are just in early menopause.

Worth looking into especially as you've not always been like this.