Sad about how life has turned out

[Cinno]

Can't help but feel sad about how life has turned out as a single mum. I know I'm suppose to pretend to love it but I can't, I hate it and I'm so lonely and miserable it's not early days so no it won't "get better" I hate it the more time goes on. How do you get over the fact life hasn't turned out how you'd hoped?

Thank you, I had a lot of friends pre children but mostly don't see them anymore as our lives are not the same and they stopped inviting me out because I could never go anywhere and had no one to look after the children. I speak to them very occasionally but don't really meet up with them as they don't want to sit in the park or come to the zoo etc. It's impacted on my friendships as I never get time without the children, it doesn't matter why my family won't have them they won't and that doesn't change anything, not all families are happy to provide regular childcare. My kids don't have sleep overs one has had a terrible time in secondary school and has been bullied relentlessly since he started the other only talks to friends online and doesn't meet with them out of school

So what do you want to change? How can you go about making those changes? What have you already done to make changes to your life so its not miserable?

I share some of your feelings although about different things. Feel like my DH is becoming more unreasonable and uncompromising as we get older; it’s starting to affect how I feel towards him. I didn’t realise how mundane and repetitive life would be with kids.. sounds stupid now but I didn’t appreciate the freedom we had beforehand. And I didn’t realise how much society under values mothers. It’s almost like becoming invisible I think when you become a mother. I hope you can find a way to see things differently or start change xxx

OP I'm 55 with young adult children. Two are still at home and one is disabled and may never leave, nonetheless I'm surprised how much I'm enjoying life at this age. I'm enjoying the adult to adult relationship I have with my children and the chance to be more independent.

My health is good but I'm aware it might not be for much longer which is making me seize opportunities in a way I haven't since having DC1 22 years ago. You might find that your best years aren't behind you at all. You may need to hang in there while your DC are still dependent on you but be able to spread your wings in due course.

Sleep overs really aren’t a valid answer, the likely hood of all child sleeping over at the same time, and your friends being free on the same dates is very low.

I’m sorry to hear about your friendships, being an only parent really does impact your social life in an unimaginable way.

So you have 2 children over the age of 11?

Do you have any children under the age of 11?

Is there a reason you can't use a babysitter?

Such a lovely , wise comment. You really helped me put my current hardships in prospective . Thank you 💐

Okay, so if they can’t sleep over, could you introduce evenings where they have to entertain themselves for a certain amount of time so you can do something on your own of your choosing, even just for an hour or two at first? Could you set them little jobs they have to do? Are they old enough to cook? A godsend for me was when my 12 year old started to make our evening meal one night a week.
If you can’t get a full night break, look for ways to carve out little bits of time here and there and see if that helps.

what would you like to do if you had some time?

There is an element of reframing it in your head that is necessary.

I had to cut contact with my mother (police and SS involvement due to her presenting a risk to my children), my dad died and my marriage broke up within 4 months. The last two happened within a fortnight of each other. So I really was on my own after that.

I had no choice but to put a positive spin on it. I had no support (no other family but a sibling who was worse than useless at the time and no friends due to various life shit and my MH during the preceding years) and so just had to get on with it. And obviously, single parenthood massively impacts on your ability to make and maintain friendships too.

So that's not to say it was easy! Or that I never got lonely. Or that I'd have chosen a single second of it but there were moments of light and, in those moments, I had to find the positives and make the best of it.

Eventually, it did feel better and now (12 years on) I'm engaged to someone else and living a happy and peaceful life. My overall memory of the last 12 years (when I have always been a single parent) is that they have been good because that's what I choose to focus on.

Are there times or moments, when the childen are in bed, say, that you can think about the life you want and ways to make that happen? Because that's the only way you are going to change things.

I know it's frustrating when people tell you to find the positives and you can't see them because it's not what you'd have chosen because all you want to do is scream that there aren't any.

I've been a single parent twice (clearly, I have historically had very bad taste in men!) The first time, I went to university and got a degree with a toddler in tow and the second time, I (eventually) joined a local.gigging band. My exh certainly wouldn't have encouraged that!

I'm only telling you this because I hope you can see that there can be a brighter future for you even if it's hard to see it right now. But it won't happen if you only focus on how shit it all is.

Because it is shit! There's no getting away from that. But it is also true that only you can change it.

I'm sorry if I've missed your children's ages but after a decade they could be in/approaching teenage years which usually gives.you more freedom. Perhaps focus on what you can do when that time comes? The only babysitter I had for my youngest child was my eldest child when he was old enough.

If there are additional reasons that make all of this impossible, then I'll agree, it is just really, really shit and no, none else will get any of it unless they've experienced it.

Take care.

I hate it when people say how strong I am. No I am getting by and making the best of what my cheating walking out ex left
Me to deal with.
I think unless you have a vat of money to make parenting/
Life tasks easier for you and give you free time to be you again - single parenting never gets easier. Trust me being
One to 15
Year old DD the days are longer /
More £££ involved and less time for myself.

I think there are good days and bad days but all the "reframe" advice is bollox.
I totally hear you and empathise

Comments like this deserve to get flamed. ‘Happiness/unhappiness is just thoughts about the story of life you tell yourself’

Are you aware that loneliness has worse health outcomes than being a smoker? That social isolation is used as a form of torture? Loneliness changes your brain chemistry/ and your mental health as well as your physical health. You can’t think your way out of that any more than you can think yourself out of having cancer or dementia.

Humans are social animals. We’ve evolved to crave the company of fellow humans, and to crave deep, meangingful connection with others. It causes us mental pain when we don’t have that so that we seek out those connections. If you don’t have childcare to go out and meet people, that pain is corrosive.

You can’t ’think your way’ out of that anymore than you can think yourself way out of being human.

I'd like to make the friendly suggestion that you see your GP and get on the waiting list for counselling. You'll be surprised at how much it might help you.

Because I can't afford a sitter, my ex doesn't pay maintenance so I have no spare money for that kind of luxury, I can barely afford things for myself because everything goes on the children and there is nothing left

How old are your kids? 8 or 18 makes a huge difference.

You need to go after him for maintenance. What is his reason for not paying?

Cats are very loving and such good companions.

Not specifically for being a single mum, but as a general answer to your question - you change what you can, setting goals to improve any areas of life you have control of. Those things you can't change, you don't dwell on. You focus on the little picture, the drops of joy and pleasure you can squeeze out of the life you have and don't let yourself think too hard about what you don't have.

It would help if you would actually answer the repeated questions about the age of your children. If they are all secondary school age, unless disabled requiring you to be with them all of the time, there is no reason why you can't have some time to yourself.

I agree with this.

Dweling on what is bad only obscures what is good.

Is your ex self employed? unemployed? Is that the reason you've not sought maintenance through the child maintenance service?

Are you claiming everything you are entitled too? Council tax reduction for being the only adult in the house, council tax relief on top of that?

Do not blame your children because you are alone and do not have a man. It is not their fault. You must realise just finding a man is not the way to great joy and happiness in many cases. Also a lot of women in your situation have moved on to other relationships - why can't you if you want it? Further more - be happy as you are - have a good sense of humour - it can see you through many a disaster. I was single widow at 36 too with 2 children - but that's life. Other people/men can be very disappointing anyway.

I have a cat we barely see her

As said already I have my kids full time unless you are suggesting I bring men around them ive just met then how am I suppose to meet anyone?

He does not work. I have a child maintenance claim, there is no money.