Sad about how life has turned out

[Cinno]

Can't help but feel sad about how life has turned out as a single mum. I know I'm suppose to pretend to love it but I can't, I hate it and I'm so lonely and miserable it's not early days so no it won't "get better" I hate it the more time goes on. How do you get over the fact life hasn't turned out how you'd hoped?

I feel for you but agree with others you sound very deeply depressed. Were you generally a happy person even before the children.

as ever one for the practical, unless you are already fully qualified for a career you like, can I suggest get yourself to college? School hours and holidays, lots of company, always something to do? I did four years when my daughter started school and had a brilliant time .. and came out with qualifications!

Sometimes people don't want platitudes and solutions ( that work for others )

Sometimes we just want to be heard. And understood. Its not rocket science.

This is terrible advice.

OP, I’m sorry it’s so tough and grieving how you thought life would be and now isn’t is a real thing. It may be worth you talking through your feelings with a counsellor so you can processs the grief and try to find small ways to move forward and make a life that you are happier with. It will be tough and it will be small steps at first….but for what it’s worth, I really believe in seasons of life and that they don’t last forever and that sometimes we just have to get through the tough and hard times and do what we can to change what is within our control for the better.

As a single parent I get that it can be hard but I couldn’t think of anything worse than being in an unhappy relationship.

Firstly, I would go to the gp because you do sound depressed.

Secondly, it is a frame of mind.
It’s sad that your happiness depends on being in a relationship.

Of course it’s sad that your life hasn’t followed the path that you planned but this has happened and beating yourself up about it isn’t going to help, it’s just going to make you feel worse.

It’s fine to vent and have a moan but you do need to also see the positives and find a way to be happy because no amount of being sad is going to change your situation.

You can either be a single parent and be down and unhappy.
Or you can be a single parent and be positive and happy.

You will still be a single parent and the difficulties that go along with it but life is much easier when you have a positive mindset.

I completely agree with the majority of your post, apart from the women being trapped in loveless marriages.

They are choosing to stay and could leave if they want to and become a single parent.

OP and many other single parents never had that choice.

I know two women who stayed because their husbands developed life-limiting illnesses and in both cases couldn't bring themselves to leave, so it's not always as straight forward as choosing to stay or go.

But they are choosing to stay.

Even if it’s a difficult or complicated choice, it’s still a choice.

If OP has been left, then she had absolutely no choice or say in the matter.

Been a single mum so know it's not a walk in the park

And I think you should see a doctor - you sound depressed - hyperbolic

Your life isn't over
The best of your life isn't over
It's just a down - and lives tend to have ups and downs

Sometimes you just have to ride out the bad times - but if you are actually depressed you need medical help to reset things s

Are your children still young? I think most parents feel overwhelmed at times with the relentlessness of it all, but doubly so when you’re on your own. But it does get better and less stifling as they get more independent. I hope good things and new opportunities are around the corner for you x

No my children are not young, as I said I have been a single parent for a long time (years) this isn't something that's getting better, if anything I feel even more bitter and resentful as time has gone on and the longer I've been a single parent. I cannot date for those telling me I can I have my children full time so that is not an option. I have no time for anyone or energy I barely have the energy for the children never mind anyone else. My ex left me so it wasn't a choice I made, there was no OW he had a serious mental break down and left me to it, I don't have family that would help so I've done it alone, when I say we are suppose to love it I guess it's because the single mums I speak to claim to love it and say it's the best thing ever but I guess those are mums who have probably been in abusive relationships so to them it's better than that or they have family support so aren't struggling alone. This is not how I would have chosen my life to be.

By best years I mean my younger years, I will never get those years back.

OP, can I ask…

if there was one thing that would help (and by that, I mean make a small improvement, I don’t mean completely fix things overnight) what would it be.

What is it that you need right now? What would help you?

Yes but younger years are not your best ! You bought a myth there

Yes you never get back the years you have already lived - that's a good reason to get your head sorted out or you will end uo looking back at these years as wasted also

Would I take up an offer to be young again if it meant I had to lose my self confidence and my knowledge of how the world and people work?

I guess yes just because life is so good that more would be better .. but actually my 20s and 30s were not that great at all

It wasnt meant as comfort, time raising kids is fleeting

Someone to have them regularly overnight to give me a break but that isn't going to happen so just wishful thinking really.

Life hasn't "turned out" like this, it's ongoing and will change if you actively seek it!

I was a single mother, met someone else after a few years and changed my life.

I don’t mean to sound harsh because I know how negative it can feel but you need to reset the way you feel about yourself because finding a new relationship will not help you feel better.

At the moment you are choosing to see everything ij your life through the lens of “If I had a partner everything would be OK.” That’s a really dangerous place to be for several reasons:

• It will prevent you from getting stronger and more independent on your own
• It will make you vulnerable to exploitation by unscrupulous men who can sense your weakness and desperation
• It obscures the fact that relationships are far from being a silver bullet that solves everything

I was a single mother for nine years after I threw my abusive ex out and the first two years were horrific: I was scared, anxious and depressed and short of cash.

Over time I basically forced myself to reset the way I saw it and I now realize it was the best thing that could have happened to me and my daughter.

11 years on I am far far happier, wealthier and my daughter is in a good place. And I am in a happy and healthy relationship.

But it took a lot of work and self discipline. If I had continued to feel endless self pity I wouldn’t have been able to do this.

You may not be ready to hear this now but the only person who can change this is you.

You say your dc aren't young so can you sign them up to an activity such as scouts which does regular camps so giving you some time? I found that a God send also regular sleepovers at friends also worked for me

I've been single 8 years trust me I'm not out there looking for men I have spent many long and lonely years alone

They don't sleep over a friends houses

Have you bothered reading the posts? She doesn’t have the support with her kids to have time to meet someone and date.

@Cinno

I've been single 8 years trust me I'm not out there looking for men I have spent many long and lonely years alone

I get it: I have been there too and I felt like this for years. It’s hard. But I promise you if you don’t lose the self pity and try to regain control it won’t change.

You need help and support with your children: is there a friend who can help?

But you also really need to lose the stigma around being single. If you let it continue it will poison the way you see yourself. Get help with it and kick it’s arse.

Is there a reason why you can't introduce regular sleepovers to give yourself a break? You may need to start with having them at yours

OP you're not alone, I know it feels like it though.

People don't want to hear about someone who's unhappier after their marriage ended than during it. They assume you're pleased to be divorced.

People REALLY don't want to hear that you still love your ex after 8 years, and would have him back. If you explain why you can't let go, you're 'oversharing'.

Sympathy seems to be conditional, based on you having the right attitude.

But you're not the only one in your position.

With who? They don't have anyone whose house they can sleep over at