Sad about how life has turned out

[Cinno]

Can't help but feel sad about how life has turned out as a single mum. I know I'm suppose to pretend to love it but I can't, I hate it and I'm so lonely and miserable it's not early days so no it won't "get better" I hate it the more time goes on. How do you get over the fact life hasn't turned out how you'd hoped?

Not necessarily. My ds is 16, ADHD,ASD , failing his GCSEs and likely to be one of these young people who would be much better off in a simple 9-5 job that don't really exist anymore. I can see him still being with me in ten years. My dd is better but v v close to me and unlikely to embrace independence. Their dad fucked off with ow and makes it clear he parents only on his terms. Not much light at the end of the tunnel and it does feel relentless. I find the persistent well meaning optimism v wearing.

How old are your kids? It makes a huge difference to your situation - once they hit teen years, unless there's significant sen, you will get far more time to be you, not necessarily to date (though I found online dating fun) but to do something you enjoy with dc in tow, starting for shorter periods but before you know it you can go out for an evening without a sitter, and yes they get to the point you can leave them overnight.

I was one of the women who stayed in a dysfunctional, miserable marriage but didn't realise it, he had growing mental health issues and (according to dd) had gone weird. I know my situation was very different but dc du become independent and once I was split from exh and dc were older teens my life quickly changed to amazing, please have hope that things will be good in the future

Thank you, I mean I have no interest in ever being back with him but yes people expect you to be so happy and relieved for it to be over and can't accept that sometimes actually no it isn't better being alone! I certainly am not happier but we are not suppose to admit that.

@RhaenysRocks

Even with significant sen can leave home, might take a bit longer but my dsd lives in supported living for example.

I know the feeling OP. Just this underlying sadness everyday that the life I live isn’t the one I should have been destined for. My situation isn’t the same as yours, but I still have that daily sadness that even though I do have good things in my life for which I’m thankful, my life isn’t as it should be. I feel like the option to have the happy and fulfilling life I always thought I would have, has been robbed from me.

I also get lots of cliche and trite “you’re so strong” comments and I hate it. I don’t feel strong at all, I just feel sad and disappointed.

Break it down and figure out what you can do to improve your life ... one step at a time. Make a list and start. Nobody else is going to make it better for you.

There is no "as it should be" - fantasy

The world owes us nothing

You have to pick yourself up because no one else can . That's true for everyone even those with partners

And that can need medical help

I’m sorry OP that you have had a lot of shit Cosmo magazine type ‘advice’ from people who have not bothered to read your post ( you were quite clear this is not a new situation for you) or made assumptions about you, without bothering to ascertain your situation ( such as assuming you actually have support to go out and do stuff).

From what you say about your situation, you have been worn down over a long time by chronic loneliness and lack of opportunity to have any sort of life of your own. It’s all very well people telling you to ‘reframe’ your thinking, but there is not much to reframe. This isn’t one part of your life gone bad whilst the rest remains good, this is something that has affected all of your life by making you extremely isolated, long term and with little or no agency to change things.

It’s quite clear that many posters on this thread have not experienced the terrible effects of chronic isolation, or a life where you don’t have the opportunities to change your situation. Without regular childcare, you are trapped at home with kids. It’s astonishing so many people on here can’t understand this simple fact and think you are somehow ‘choosing’ your unhappiness. Rather than it being an inevitable consequence for someone in your situation.

I’m really sorry you are in this situation. It’s ok to mourn the loss of your youthful years. That’s a normal reaction. I hope you are able to live the rest of your life in the way you want, once your kids are independent.

I’m really sorry you’re in this phase OP. Sounds so so tough. IMO life doesn’t ’turn out’, it’s always changing (even if very slowly!). Your kid/s will leave and you’ll have time and money for you.

Having been on MN for sometime now the more I read about single parenting the more I'm beginning to think/believe that the minute any woman whether married or not gives birth there's a chance whether slim or not so, they're going to be bringing the DC up alone.

How old are the kids OP?

So helpful. You should be a therapist.

Don't your kids have friends? That's where the sleepovers come in. Doesn't sound like you'd welcome their friends at your house though.

Of course there is always a chance of this happening but equally there is always a chance of the father raising the child alone. The risk runs both ways. There are also many single fathers raising children alone.

Based on?

How old are the DC?

Why don’t they have any family or friends they could sleep over with? Are there disabilities to consider? Toxic family?

Do you work?

Do you have friends?

Thank you, I totally agree unless someone has been in the situation and I'm not talking for a year or two then they have no idea how isolating and soul destroying it is to spend almost a decade raising kids alone.

Because my family doesn't want to look after them? If I started a thread saying my family were out of order for not babysitting my kids I would have my arse handed to me and told that I am a CF and that no one should be expected to look after anyone's children and that they are my responsibility. Sadly not everyone's family want to help out

One day your kids will be more independent and you will have a chance to experience a little more freedom. If you’ve been raining them for more than a decade they must be nearing their teen years. Hang on in there!

I totally understand that. If you can answer the other questions, posters might be able to produce more appropriate answers and suggestions for you.

Oh for goodness sake! OP has already said she has no family support.

Even if the kids did have friends for sleepovers, how would that magically transform her life? No one wants kids for regular sleepovers. They are things that happen occasionally. To build up her own life, OP needs regular weekly childcare. She simply doesn’t have that.

I don’t know if OP has friends, but it doesn’t take a genius to work out that almost a decade of no childcare so you can have your own life, is rather detrimental to maintaining or forming friendships.

Maybe this is a post more for venting and understanding rather than solutions.

If there were a solution to OPs lack of childcare, she’d have thought of it herself sometime in those 8 years, after all.

Best post, but you will get flamed on here for even suggesting that.

How old are the children? You say 'not young' so surely they won't be so dependent on you for very long. Also, if your ex had mental issues, then that would surely have been lonely in itself, it doesn't sound as if it was much of a partnership. Can you try to find joy in what your kids enjoy?

Op you could be me, no one really understands the soul destroying loneliness of being a single/only parent can be. The always being in call, making every single decision and taking and sucking up the emotional work load that comes with that.

Your children sound a little older, but maybe not old enough to be left for long periods of time, and if you do have the time and space for a hobby or dating where does the money come from.

At The moment there is no answer, but things may change as life changes.