To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

I'd be going there next Tuesday and ordering a takeaway coffee. When you see them make a point of saying hello.

Really horrible of them not to include you. I'd be doing zero favours going forward

So the question is do you happen to turn up at the exact time they are there and randomly ‘bump’ into them ?

I think it’s a mean thing to do; especially as you all live local.

In your position I would make sure I go there next Tuesday when they are are, be surprised when you seen them; see what they say.

OP this is unfair and you really, really should have your husband speak to her.

Just re-read and I am raging for you. I would not leave the group chat but I would archive it so you don’t see it and don’t need to contribute. Just do the necessary so that your dcs see their cousins. And then play the long game.
This is unforgivable.

How did you find out?

The fa t it’s not just the lunch but the fa t you feel Theyre ignoring you on WhatsApp tells me there is more to it. And that it has been building up for a while.

I suspect it’s one if the SIL that isn’t keen you. She might have started the lunch, invited people she wanted, incl MIL. But not you.

Basically, whatever you do, don’t assume it’s MIL that’s pushing you away but is happy for your help when you need it.

Is there a significant age difference between you and the other SILs? Based on the years married, there seems to be but of course it could also be due to long engagements.

It could be possible that they simply get along with each other better and the meet ups were their idea, rather than instigated by your MIL? As the oldest DIL, I get along well with my SIL but we really don't have much in common that I feel the need to meet up regularly and chat (I'm older by a good 10yrs). They are far closer in age to each other so they meet up and go on holidays together, and it doesn't bother me at all.

I might feel inclined to plan a visit with a friend on a day that I know they'd all be there ...... be interesting to see how they react.

I'm actually so tempted to do this.

My DH wouldn't like it though. He's a straightforward person and would prefer to just speak openly whether I do it or he does on my behalf. He hates "game playing".

No, were roughly the same age. I'm the second youngest out of the four of us. DH and I just got together and married young. His brothers waited longer, that's all.

My MIL goes out regularly with my SILs and my DH’s ex wife 😂 It is hurtful OP, I think I’d have to ask in your situation or else get your DH to approach his mother about it.

This is the best way. If you ‘bump’ in to them they will likely claim it’s a one off. I would confront mil with dh so she can’t spin him some bullshit.

Wow, this is awful. I would absolutely get your DH to call your MIL and question her!

Ask directly to join them next Tuesday in the group WhatsApp. Ask what time they meet

Please can you ask MIL as I'm really invested in what she is going to say! Sorry you are being treated in this way, it's really shitty

I would be very hurt by this OP, it seems very strange.

I would definitely want my DH to find out why you re being excluded, although TBH I'm not sure I would want to go even if they did then invite you along.

Whoops, now I've seen your latest post, OP and yes, that does change the equation quite a bit. :(

Or her sons. I am betting they never help out either.

I think if you turn up on Tuesday, they will just alll pretend its a lovely coincidence.

So I think I'd go with DH and tell her face to face. Exactly what the cafe owner said. and about the What's App. You'd gain back control. It won't be fun, but its better than wondering.
Ask her why. They will all squirm.. but if DH is there and you ask in a civil, calm, unemotional way until you get an explanation.

I don't think they should get away with being mean and keeping it all a secret.
They ought to face up to their behaviour.

Have they all got kids? No excuse obviously but if there's fertility issues or recent miscarriages might that be a reason.

We had a similar story recently with all sils excluding one i can't remember what happened now i'll have to investigate!

Yanbu to feel hurt and left out. Even if they all get on like a house on fire and you only get on “fine”, they still shouldn’t exclude you.

Yeah there's no way I'm going now. If they wanted me there, they'd have invited me. I'm not going just because they've been told to invite me or they feel guilty.

But it still hurts.

Don't turn up there - you'll just get some cobblers about 'Oh, well of course we wanted to invite you but we thought it would be too much for you with the baby'.

I hope you get an answer