To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

Its so hurtful OP especially when you were under the impression you were all reasonably close.
The SILs should have been more aware of maternity leave being lonely...and how they would feel if it was them the one left out...so I would be disappointed that they hadn't thought of you either.
I totally understand that you feel for your children too.
All you can do now is take your feelings on board and go over the excuses MIL came up with and how you decide to handle this.

Me and my OH were in a similar position,we were the ones given jobs to do and only contacted when something needed doing.
Came up in conversation one day about MIL treating eat family member to lunch out with their spauces and kids when there was a birthday.

Myself and husband were the only married couple,had kids first etc...my OH only received a birthday card and in all the years we were together I never even got that. Favouritism among the grandchildren was another thing that did it for me.

My OH made his own mind up about his relationship with his family but I chose to basically walk away.I stopped visiting with my children and I told OH it was up to him to buy gifts or cards for MIL.
Funny story...SIL popped round because she need a favour from Oh.
I was outside and said hello.
She said to me oh by the way you forgot MIL birthday.
I said no I didn't
She said oh but she said she didn't receive a card.
I said thats because I didn't send one

Silence.

Sorry, OP. I missed that your DH had asked.

It is really simple, no drama, no accusations, no upset, just tell your MIL how you feel about the situation.
If she cares about you she will explain and include you in future, if she doesn't you know where you stand and you move forward on that basis.

Have either of SIL contacted you to apologise OP ?

Yes, it's hurtful.
If you love your DH and expect to stay with him then you need to get on with his family so please ignore those posts suggesting you blank the family and refuse to help MIL out.
I prefer the straightforward approach mysel. Just ask her/them. Chances out they just haven't thought about it.

@cleanasawhistle nice story of comeuppance. Funny they don’t like the same behaviour directed at them. Goose and gander and all that…

To those saying „it’s an oversight” „it’s still family”. If it was a genuine oversight (which I highly doubt it)OP and her DH should have apologies from everybody involved- MIL,SIL and her 2DILs.

The fact that MIL was happy to accept favours from OP but still didn’t want to include her in weekly lunches speaks volumes.

Funny like none of the women didn’t think about OP for a year while meeting weekly for lunch. It’s not like she was out of sight,out of mind.

You are not being unreasonable to care, very much. However, having been in an exactly parallel situation myself with a group of relatives, for your own sanity, I think you just have to let go of any expectations of these people and detach. That includes being less available to help them. Regarding my own situation, I had to conclude that the relatives who met up frequently were close and I wasn't viewed as close, largely because I didn't have the long shared history that they had.

If it was unintentional I'd have expected one of them to have slipped up and made an accidental reference to having met or would be meeting up or some reference to a conversation they had at some stage over the last year.

I think MIL didn't think about it. I would be more upset the newer DIL excluded you.

I'm sure some people would advise against this as 'confrontational' , will make things worse, blah blah blah.

But I actually think this might be best in the long run. I agree that it sounds as if MIL is going to go full DARVO, dragging as many red herrings as she can to make herself the victim. This would be far more damaging to the OP, and lead to her and her husband/children being actively excluded by his brothers (as well as The Mean Girls) as they take their poor, misunderstood, woe-is-me! mother's side. No, nip that one in the bud!

If there is to be any hope of future civility, past behaviour is going to have to be dragged into the sunlight. No hiding, no making up excuses, no lies. Otherwise you might as well go full No Contact now; and save yourself the distress of MIL's/SIL's DARVOing.

It's hardly unintentional when OP was posting on the family whatsapp asking about get togethers. That's the real stinger, it's not like they can say oh we didn't think OP would want to join us.

It was pointed out beforehand that she'd do exactly that. There's a definite pattern -The Script, as it's often referred to on MN - associated with her sort of behaviour.

In which case, any big confrontation will amount to nothing more than a lot of wind, hot air, hedging, excuses and foisting all the blame onto OP. The response was entirely predictable, and it's therefore unsurprising that a good many posters upthread accurately predicted it.

There is no way these people were ever going to have anything to say that OP cares to hear. And the outcome will be the same either way: OP stepping back, no longer willing to play the role of the drudge-who-isn't-worthy-of-a-social-invitation (it sounds straight out of Cinderella). Except, in that scenario, she'd have had the power of her own knowledge and could have left them to sweat.

Which is precisely what they should be left to do now. MiL is all hot and bothered thinking her DS is angry with her - let her be.

IMO DH's confrontation was a mistake, but that said it makes a very refreshing change to see a DH who won't tolerate this kind of pettiness and is willing to have his wife's back.

It's now better left.

Yes but what you thought or did has zero relevance here as OP has a very long history of being family to MIL and her husband’s SIs snd Brothers.

I think a variation of this can happen in many families, but this is a very extreme hurtful case.

In laws, usually those they are very close to, offer babysitting privileges to, nights away, popping in regularly etc.

No falling out in these families, but definitely having close favourites whilst others are very much on the periphery.

With several of my friends it was never an issue, they accepted it and got on with life, refusing to get upset about some they had zero control over and couldn't change.

However, when caring duties came up and the DIL's were included completely with a weekly list given to them as what their share would be, in sharing the load they shut it down completely.

Those that had had childcare support could split it between them as payback, as they felt zero obligation to repay what they had never received, and they said contact my husband about anything else as it simply doesn't involve me, I have my own family.

Several were nurses and refused completely to get involved.

As it happened they were glad they could refuse to be involved as life was busy enough.

Exactly
The problem is if op tries to bring this up , mil will probably gaslight her and make it look as though Op is being over sensitive .
She will find all kinds of excuses as to why Op wasn’t invited to these lunches
I honestly don’t think confronting mil will make things better tbh.
I would just be civil and respectful but don’t go out of your way to help

I would just drop it in to the conversation the next time there’s a family get together. Definitely wouldn’t be helping with cleaning etc . As another poster said don’t get your dh to ask as if they do offer is it just because they had to or that they merely did not think ( I v.much doubt). Unless Dh takes mil to one side and say you don’t know anything about it and asks her what is her problem with you. Either way you may get some answers.Don’t get eaten up by it as it doesn’t affect them in the slightest, it’s hard I know as clearly all three are selfish people as all haven’t ever mentioned these get togethers. Take care.

I think that is fair .
If PIL don’t help with childcare )which is their prerogative ) when they need care or support they should not expect assistance from those they didn’t help
You reap what you sow

I absolutely do not believe that grandparents are under any obligation to do childcare, BUT if they give substantial support to a couple of DIL's and are very involved for years, they cannot be surprised if any other DIL fail to feel any inclination to be involved with caring duties.

They are not the DIL's parents, they are not close family, they are their husbands parents that they see every so often, and therefore it follows, any responsibility falls on their son.

As I wrote, none of my friends even really mentioned it, until their children were in their teens and suddenly they were called upon as a rota was being drawn up....involving the DIL'S!

It was shut down ruthlessly by each of them.
It was the other DIL'S thinking the load would be shared as much as the in laws themselves.

One such friend was very late in the day invited to join a weeks holiday away with the inner group when another family couldn't make it.
It was a very expensive week and was half paid for. It would have suited them all for them to join them, so no one lost money, but she was very much politely, thanks but no thanks.
She wouldn't dream of entertaining it.

Such a waste of energy to be upset at what you cannot change.

But didn't they reap the right to not be beholden to child care in later life because of all their younger years spent raising their own children?

Wonder if you will get an invite for tomorrow @Sacredhandbag

I really hope the OP stays far, far away from this thread.

I’m also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

@Sacredhandbag, my heart goes out to you. The intentional exclusion of you (and your child) by these three ‘mean girls’ is cruel and disloyal. There are no valid excuses for their appalling behavior.

You have generously gone out of your way to help MIL. It appears that, in her eyes, you are good enough to run her errands, do her laundry, and wait for her packages, yet not special enough to be included in these Tuesday gatherings. Her marginalizing you must sting deeply.

None of them can claim that they thought ‘you wouldn’t be interested’ or that ‘they forgot’ to invite you, as you have repeatedly suggested getting together with the children on the family WhatsApp.

Your H is ace to have confronted MIL and spoken frankly to BIL. Is he also aware of their blanking your previous requests to meet up? This information would help bolster your positions when you both are met with more of their denials, downplaying and deflections.

@Sacredhandbag, I would distance myself from these people, and I certainly would not be doing MIL any more favors.

Can you do a brave thing and invite them all to your house? Sometimes we just have to take the bull by the horns. Good luck ! X

Tbh if the sil ignore you on family wats app then they are just as bad 🥲

Evening, everyone. Having looked behind the scenes, we aren't convinced that this OP is completely above board. We're going to have a good look under the bonnet but in the meantime, we'll close this thread to new posts.