To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

I think I'd need to know why. So yes either you or your husband should ask.

Even if it wasn't MIL that organised the meet up she should have mentioned inviting you in the beginning and squashed out any meal girl behaviour from any of the others tbh so I wouldn't have anything to do with them anymore op. They've all behaved abysmally.

I think it’s best to ask and say these things outright. Bring their selfish behaviour to the light. Don’t be bi**hy but when chatting with all of them just say ‘omg I was actually genuinely hurt to learn that you guys have all been having Tuesday lunch together, and no one thought to include me’ when they protest, which is totally what they will do reply ‘oh that’s weirdly sweet of you but honestly you don’t need to appease me; message received loud and clear. Anyway, how’s your…..’

Then don’t bother with them ever again! Never help MIL again! Start having dinner parties/lunches out etc and never invite them.

Speak up for yourself.

"In 20 years time when you aren’t on the care home rota, you will very relieved."

This is a good point. Consider yourself exempt.

No, i don't blame you. It's a shitty way for them to behave. Maybe them finding out that you know (via DH) might at least take the shine off it for them a bit. This behaviour doesn't put them in a good light at all. I would be ashamed if I was caught out doing this.

I never understand the childcare excuse when trying to find a reason. It’s family and unless they’re hitting wine bars then little ones shouldn’t be an issue for family.

Having thought about it I’d ask your husband to turn up unannounced and just sit at the table and ask them to explain

See you next Tuesday? 😆

I think I'd say, next time I saw MIL, "I ran into (restaurant name) and was chatting with the owner. She mentioned how you'd been there every week since they opened with SILs, I'm sure it's much appreciated!" and just let it lay.

I'm not a "tit for tat" person but I think I'd have to take a big step back. I don't think I'd cut off or refuse family things necessarily, but I would not go out of my way to be helpful or take much interest in them. I'd also be less inclined to suck it up for family things that I didn't really want to go to anyway.

Do they know you know ?

Can you not message MiL and ask if she wants to meet up on Tuesday for lunch? She what she says.

OP that's rough, and I don't blame you for being hurt. Personally, I wouldn't do anything like showing up on a Tuesday to catch them out. I don't think it would achieve anything, and could end up making you look like the unreasonable person in their eyes.

Would you join them were an invitation issued now?

If yes, then it's worth saying something.

If it were me though, I wouldn't join them at this point, so assuming you're like me anc wouldn't go, I would say nothing and withdraw from doing MIL any favours/errands etc. I'd do the bare minimum in terms of family events. Show up when it's essential, but nothing more. If the "why" is important to you, get your DH to speak to his mum and tell her how hurtful you found it to be excluded, but make sure he doesn't make out like you are asking for an invitation.

I'm sorry, OP. It's never other than horribly hurtful to discover that others don't value us as much as we do them. In your position I personally would not bother confronting them or asking your DP to do likewise. You won't be told anything you care to hear, and are also unlikely to receive a truthful explanation. In reality, how do people ever justify behaviour like this? They'll either deny that a problem exists, or turn this around so that it's all somehow your fault. You don't need to hear it.

I agree with @Grapewrath. In future, simply match her energy and devote your time to those who are worthy of it instead.

And even if they think the invitation will be refused for this or any other reason, it shouldn't stop them asking.

While I agree with your husband and don’t think you should play games, it would be quite tempting to ask them more whether they’d like to go out for lunch next Tuesday to the café in question.

It is just staggeringly bad mannered to leave one out. Are they rude and full of themselves or do they seem quite pleasant. Just a shit thing to do.

I'd have to let them know in a pa way. Oh i was at that place you all go to on a Tues, it's great isn't it?

This one is quite good though, it’s actually the truth.

I would definitely arrange to be there for brunch with a friend on a Tuesday. If you bump into them so be it. If not, the person you know may well tell them she's seen you in there.

Yes it's akin to a game but you didn't start it.

They are all pitches and honestly I would not go out of my way to help MIL or any of them. You've been on maternity leave fgs dont they know how much getting out helps?!

I like that.

I suppose it is possible that they didn't invite you initially as you were heavily pregnant/in the early months with baby so thought you wouldn't be up to it?

Otherwise it seems odd. I'd let my DH ask but not in the 'wife is hurt' kind of way as there might be a simple reason they started doing this without you.

It’s very hurtful. I would get your DH to find out why you are being excluded, not to see if he can wangle an invite as that’s not the issue here now

Wouldn’t that make it too easy for them though. They could just say yes and then what? It would be better to choose a different cafe and only ask the Mil.

I'd absolutely be asking my DH to ask why in this instance, it's so insulting - I hope he's furious on your behalf also.

That’s very hurtful, OP. I would get your DH to enquire why you’ve been left out – not to get them to invite you as you may not want it engineered that way, but he could ask not letting on that you know.

I would be dropping them all like a hot rock. No helping and a very cool reception to each one of them at family events.

I'd be terribly hurt by this too, OP. And nor would I want to go now either - imagine being sat there knowing they didn't really want you there and are only now inviting you because your DH has shamed them into it - no way! I would want them to know I know though - eventually. As a pp suggested, I'd distance myself from anything family-related that I didn't absolutely have to go to - I'm sure MIL or one of the SILs would eventually ask your DH why you're often no longer at family gatherings and then he can tell them why. Alternatively, you could leave the WhatsApp group - that may prompt some questions from them and then you can tell them why.