To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

That's absolutely awful. I would ask myself why I was being excluded. Otherwise your DH should. It's cruel.

It's a crappy thing, I get it, it really hurts. I have 2 ideas, one would be to turn up with a friend and have a meal at the same time in the same restaurant and when they see you see what happens, if they speak and say oh its a one off go no ive know about it a while and smile or my other would be to let it go, its crappy of them but there's a poem called let them and I live by this poem now as life is too short for upset - sending big hugs

I wouldn’t be asking why I’d just be going very low contact , not helping out at all and if they ever bother to ask why , which I doubt , I would tell them . It is plain nasty behaviour .

Even if you DO ask, are they likely to be truthful? Of course not. There's no need for them to be rude or hurtful, so they won't be honest, what would that bring?

I think it's imperative your DH speaks to his mum and let her know how upset you were to find this out. The ball is then in her court to approach you and explain. If there aren't any positive moves, I would cool the relationship and develop a more positive support network.

I think you need to let your DH speak to her to ask why they are doing this and to express how hurtful their conduct is, both to you and to him.

And stop helping your MIL out.

This.

I would be hurt too. I wouldn’t care what the reason was. I would feel absolutely used.

I’d be civil and all, and wouldn’t change my behaviour with her but I wouldn’t do another favour for her as long as I lived. She’s got 3 other people she can ask instead.

I wouldn’t ask to join them and I would stop inviting them to meet up. I would be leaving their group chat and not bothering with any of them too.

They’re probably all in another chat and meeting up with their kids without you so fuck them all.

The MIL used you.

OP has suggested stuff and been ignored.

YANBU OP, very poor show!

That must hurt. But what can you do? You can’t ask to be included, and would you even want to be when they clearly don’t want you? Just because you’re in-laws, it doesn’t mean you all have to be on an equal footing. I get on ok with my sil, but not enough to want to see her socially.

I’d just keep it civil and polite between you.

For people asking did it develop while I was working - no. I've been on maternity leave for 11 months now. I go back in a month. I took a whole month of annual leave before I started my 12 months so I'll actually have 13 months in total and I stopped working exactly around the time they will have started their lunch dates.

I found out because I went into the place where they go, a lovely kid-friendly cafe attached to a park that is really popular, and a lady I know who works there casually mentioned she sees my MIL in there "every Tuesday since we first opened" and the place has only been there a year. She says she's always with the same three ladies andgushed about how nice they all are, she described them and they are 100% my three SILs.

Regarding if I'm different in any way like race - no. I'm white British like my MIL and SIL and the two wives are from other European countries, have accents and are bilingual.

Regarding who pays - I've no idea.

I'd just ask the question too OP. No need for you to be embarrassed you've been very considerate to your MiL. See what she says. This is the sort of behaviour my first MiL would do. Thankfully I've lucked out with my current MiL who I really love and who couldn't be nicer to me, including accepting my DC from my first marriage and treating them equally with her DGC.

I completely agree with this but I’d go a step further and exit the WhatsApp group and completely distance myself from them. It baffles me how they can do this to you (and their son really)

Would you have childcare options in place to attend?

I used to get left out of every occasion my MIL went on with her own dds, that was bad enough. I didn't expect to be invited every time but once or twice a year might've been nice. FIL used to tell me all about them as well, like I wanted to know!
It's really hurtful to be the only dil left out, I'd let your dh at least ask why. I really hope it's a thoughtless oversight.

Yes, leaving the group chat immediately. I'd feel like a mug. They probably don't a separate private chat.

Yes, they take their kids. It's deliberately been set up in a (very nice, very middle class) kid friendly place that has kid menus, highchairs, a play area and is attached to a park.
I actually go myself quite often, it's amazing I haven't bumped into them.

This happened to my mum when she arrived I to the family of my df. It ate away at her and I remember her blaming my dad a lot and it made for some very awkward family gatherings. I would bin the lot of them. In 20 years time when you aren’t on the care home rota, you will very relieved.

What does very middle class have to do with anything?

Just wanted to add, if the situation is as stated above, that would also explain the awkward group chat silences. I could see them not wanting to get together if they had just gotten together or had one of their daytime lunches coming up. Again, not wanting to mention it to you.

If that turns out to be the case, I'd still say they made a mistake in not telling you, as seen by how hurt you are now that you've found out (which was inevitable sooner or later anyway). But I'd definitely ask or have your husband ask. It seems to me that if they didn't like you, you'd have felt that vibe at family get-togethers.

I don't know why I said that if I'm honest, I was just trying to set the scene 😅

What do you mean "unlikely"? Surely, it's OP's decision on how to move on from this? Why leave such a passive aggressive comment?

Definitely leave the WhatsApp group .

This.
I have been singled out in this way by people who I though were close friends and it bloody hurts!